The Toxic Waste Dump II

[Toxic10x]

huzzah! 500 replies!

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=bubbrubb.wmv

The guy in this news clip is ridiculously amusing- courtesy of out friends at ebw.

[Wrecking Crew]

This is for cncmomma and the other ladies :)

Apples and Grapes

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt.
Instead,they just take the rotten apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy......

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who
have already been picked!

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Freek]

The lost pages of Spider-man, the comics Marvel diden't want you to see!
HERE (http://www.kontraband.com/show/popup.asp?ID=1750&TTVAL=2)
:rofl:

[Toxic10x]

"Take that people with diabetes! ****, this is funny!"

:lol:

[Freek]

Amazone have a fascinating new book out, it's called "No PSP for the hollidays" by Sony. An amazing book and it only costs 750 dollars.
linky (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0001V5VSY/ref=pd_sbs_eb_1/103-6111686-1004644?v=glance&s=books&n=507846)
The customer reviews are hillariouse:


"In a word... Yes

In two words... Hell Yes.

I must confess that the first third of the page dragged a bit but the second third of the page really picked up and by the end I was on the edge of my seat. Will the PSP be delayed? When will it be released? There's a twist near the end but I won't give it away and ruin it for others.

Makes a great stocking stuffer."

"Definately a good read and well worth the price of admission! This gem of a find is a must for anyone with even the slightest bit of interest in delays in the world of Sony Electronics.

As a bonus it explains how Corbantis' mascot is a bunny! Five star material."

[flak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/Blaze_X/flak.jpg

[papsarmy]

Maybe we've had this one before but i like it:


She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

[landry38]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him ......................


Sum Ting Wong

[Freek]

Let's say you have an ax. The kind that you could use, in a pinch, to hack a man's head off...
And let's say that very situation comes up and for some very solid reasons you behead a man.
On the follow-through, though, the handle of the ax snaps in half in a spray of splinters.
So the next day you take it to the ax store down the block and get a new handle, fabricating a story for the guy behind the counter and explaining away the reddish dark stains as barbeque sauce.
Now, that next spring you find in your garage a creature that looks like a cross-bred badger and anaconda. A badgerconda.
And so you grab your trusty ax and chop off one of the beast's heads, but in the process the blade of the ax strikes the concrete floor and shatters.
This means another trip to McMillan & Son's Ax Mart. As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax, though, you meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year.
He's also got a new head attached and it's wearing that unique expression of "you're the man who killed me last Spring" resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life.
You brandish your ax. He takes a long look at the weapon with his squishy, rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he screams, "that's the same ax that slayed me!"
....Is he right?

<the_muss> New Game! add the word "anal" to the beginning of car names. Anal Jamboree, Anal Explorer, Anal Pulsar, Anal Prelude, Anal Adventurer, Anal Legacy, Anal Nexus, Anal Swift
<pyrophoric> lol, Anal Jazz, Anal Ram, Anal Probe
<iuqcaj> Anal Bandit, Anal Forester, Anal Laser, Anal Escort, Anal Sovereign, Anal Beetle, Anal Golf, Anal Samurai
<the_muss> Anal Eclipse, Anal Discovery, Anal Wrangler, Anal Ambassador, Anal Vanquish, Anal Vagrant, Anal Diablo
<pie> Comedy Gold... Anal Trooper
<the_muss> lol
<pyrophoric> lmao
www.bash.org just rocks so much. :rofl:

[Völkermord]

"If I can send the flower of the German nation into the hell of war without the smallest pity for the shedding of precious German blood, then surely I have the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin"

--Adolf Hitler

[Statalyzer]

Why the heck is that in the Toxic Waste Dump?

[cncmomma]

This is for cncmomma and the other ladies :)

Apples and Grapes

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt.
Instead,they just take the rotten apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy......

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who
have already been picked!

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.

:rofl: I should check this thread more often. You could all take a lesson from Wreck the Wise...the moral of today's lesson...stop eating rotten apples......BWAHAHA!...*I'm so bad it's just too good*

[Madcap_Magician]

"If I can send the flower of the German nation into the hell of war without the smallest pity for the shedding of precious German blood, then surely I have the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin"

--Adolf Hitler

A great big... W. T. F. What's this got to do with anything?

[GMP]

BEST. JOKE. EVAR.

A young woman was about to finish her first year of
college. Like so many others her age she considered
herself to be a very liberal Democrat and had grown
to be in strong favor for the distribution of all wealth
in America. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was
a rather staunch conservative and she expressed her
shame openly. One day she was challenging her father
on his beliefs, including his opposition to higher
taxes on the rich & more welfare programs. In the
middle of her heart-felt diatribe based upon the
lectures she had from her far left professors at
school, he stopped her and asked her point blank,
"How are you doing in school?" She answered rather
haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know
that it was tough to maintain. She was taking a
more difficult curriculum than many people she
knew. She had to study all the time, she never
had time to go out and party like other people
she knew. She didn't have time for a boyfriend
and didn't really have any college friends because
she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your
friend Mary?" She replied, "Mary is barely getting
by, she has a 2.0 GPA; even so, all she takes are
easy classes and she never studies." She explained
further in a burst of emotion, "But Mary is so very
popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She
goes to all the parties all the time and often
doesn't show up for classes because she is too hung over."

He then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to
the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 GPA
off your 4.0 and give it to your friend who only
has a 2.0?" He continued, "That way you will both
have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair
and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by the fathers suggestion,
angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked
really hard for mine, and Mary has done little or
nothing! She has played while I worked real hard!"

The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to
the Republican Party.

[Toxic10x]

P-W-N :lol:

[Massacure]

DAMN! Even I liked that one! :rofl:

[Ariss(DJ)]

Very cool story or joke ...and anyone can learn something or that !!!

[Madcap_Magician]

DAMN! Even I liked that one! :rofl:

DAMN! *Marks this date for future records, possibly including a marble statue.*

[Derek]

I've heard that one before, awesome :lol:

I challenge any Democrat (or equivalent) to come up with an equal joke of similar style :evil:

[GMP]

DAMN! Even I liked that one! :rofl:
I should quote this. :D

[Statalyzer]

You seriously should.

[Madcap_Magician]

I've heard that one before, awesome :lol:

I challenge any Democrat (or equivalent) to come up with an equal joke of similar style :evil:

Don't say that, one might appear.

[Anthrax]

http://www.uselessjunk.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1133

http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/cunningstunt.html

[GMP]

http://img113.exs.cx/img113/7404/hostages7je.jpg

[Toxic10x]

Holy **** GMP! I honestly have not laughed that hard at something I've seen on the net in a looooong time! That is freakin' awesome! :rofl:

[Bean]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v386/Bean/phonelinedcarpwned.jpg

For those who say "yeah I saw that" it was originally here. (http://forums.cncden.com/showthread.php?t=7764)

[Toxic10x]

:lol: Good work bean!

[Bean]

*bows* thank you, thank you, Monetary contributions also accepted :D

[meteoradreams]

Several NFL teams often have their names shortened to 3 or 4 letters and then add an s to the end of the shortened name, to become their team acronym.

For example, the Buccaneers become the Bucs. The Patriots become the Pats. The Packers become the Pack. The Vikings become the Vikes.

However, when requested for a shorter acronym for their name, the FCC and NFL denied the Tennessee Titans' request. :lol:

[KorJax]

How to confuse McDonald's workers (some of these have been done to the poor workers before :D ):

1. Say, "Er.. yes i would like a Happy Meal with a frown".

2. "Cheeseburger with-out cheese please"

3. "Would my 45 year old 3 foot tall dwarf friend be allowed to play on the playset please?"

If you happen to work at Micky D's here are 3 tips to piss/confuse your custimer off:

1. He stupidly asks for his burger rare (this actually happend :yuck:!). Give it too him frozen ;) .

2. He asks for a Triple Thick Milkshake, but he doesnt want it that thick. Fill the cup half full of water and half full of Milkshake.

3. Those ol' teenagers try and buy thier meal with drugs (this happend in my community not too long ago hehe :drunk: ). Decline, and tell them they only accept mild fourms of crack-cocaine, but the Burger King down the street is all up with all kinds of drugs ;) .

Those sucked balls lol :nuts: see if you can come up with more

[GMP]

ECKS ****ING DEE!!1 :rofl:
http://downloads.punkassfraggers.com/index.php?&direction=0&order=&directory=MP3s
Click on the "I will survive" link!

[Toxic10x]

but the Burger King down the street is all up with all kinds of drugs ;) .


As a burger king employee.... Yeah.... ;)



.....no, I'm just kidding :p

[Anthrax]

*Grins like a moron*

[Derek]

ECKS ****ING DEE!!1 :rofl:
http://downloads.punkassfraggers.com/index.php?&direction=0&order=&directory=MP3s
Click on the "I will survive" link!
I can't find it :\

[GMP]

Scroll down?

[ghoststalker2004]

I can't find it :\
Click on GMP's link. press ctrl+f . Type "i will survive". :)

[Statalyzer]

A missionary in the jungle is getting chased by a tiger, so he drops to his knees and prays "Lord, please make this tiger a Christian." There is a big flash from heaven, and suddenly the tiger drops to his knees and prays also: "Oh Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."

[Anthrax]

LoL!

[Statalyzer]

How do you tell the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

Listen carefully, you can hear the hormone.

[Bean]

Wow, I just got this very explicit error message the other day. Bask in its descriptiveness....
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v386/Bean/error.bmp

[Toxic10x]

way to screw things up bean :p

[Anthrax]

Thats got a lotta information to it hasnt it? ;)

And now for the 2 most classic jokes arouns:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the Hen on the other side
A Man walks into a bar. Crunch. Someone Broke His Nose.

Ok, totally not funny :scared:

[GMP]

You may have seen that funny CS pic I posted awhile ago. That was made with Garry's mod, a little somethin' that lets you play with the HL2 physics and other such things. Here are a couple I just made, they suck, but I just got the program so meh. Also note, my computer sucks, so graphics are low.

http://img203.exs.cx/img203/2515/gmconstruct00010ed.jpg (http://www.imageshack.us)
Breen gets owned

http://img203.exs.cx/img203/7554/gmconstruct00021kx.jpg (http://www.imageshack.us)
GMan literally ****s himself

http://img203.exs.cx/img203/7339/gmconstruct00033mv.jpg (http://www.imageshack.us)
Bit high strung

http://img203.exs.cx/img203/893/gmconstruct00043zo.jpg (http://www.imageshack.us)
Bored redneck from Nova Prospekt

http://img203.exs.cx/img203/3981/gmconstruct00065ss.jpg (http://www.imageshack.us)
Alyx is owned

http://img203.exs.cx/img203/4972/gmconstruct00075ie.jpg (http://www.imageshack.us)
Oh noes! GMan is pissed off!

[Wrecking Crew]

Subject: : Employment Test

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you
see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that
there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before
you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that may once have been used
as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved
your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The winning candidate had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old
friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations.
SO never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."


HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady
over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect
partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings :evil:

[meteoradreams]

[Jeff Foxworthy mode]If your goatee is shorter than your wife's, you might be a redneck.[/Jeff Foxworthy mode]

[Anthrax]

lol 55 pages? A new record!

[Shadowwolf1]

Cat Lover or Not

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm
lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned
that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to
coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy
to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition
was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and
sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take
you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that
my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived
her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the
precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I
lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know
this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the
sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact
knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there
are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on
the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there,
done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics
were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the
while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter . and not
succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made
it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it
was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[Statalyzer]

Then I must be a woman because I laughed my ass off.

[Toxic10x]

as long as you're cringing and writhing on the floor as well we'll let you get away with it stat :freek: gad... that's awful.

[Shadowwolf1]

Warning: IF you are french and/or easily offended, do not read the following joke. Or else, read it, and don't whine about it. You have been warned. kthxbye.

During the 1700s and 1800s, france and britain were constantly at war. One day, a british general was captured by the french. One of the things the general's captors asked him was, "Why do your forces wear red coats?"
To this, the general replied, "We wear these coats so that, if we are shot, you cannot tell we are bleeding, and thusly never know when we are beaten." From that day forward, all French soldiers wore brown pants.

[Freek]

http://www.sniffpetrol.com/AdGT4.jpg

[GMP]

:rofl: Good one!

[GMP]

http://img.sheezyart.com/image/19/191672.jpg

[Anthrax]

LoL, if thats the size of his arse, i dont wanna know what happens when he has the old squitzo ritzo.

[Statalyzer]

http://www.martinworks.com/hero/frterralert.jpg

[SilentScoper]

[QUOTE=Shadowwolf1]Cat Lover or Not

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable..............


This gave me a wee laughter fit !! :muahaha: :muahaha: :rofl: :rofl:

Cheerz matey, put a smile on my face for a while , thanx !! :hyper: :hyper:

[Anthrax]

http://www.martinworks.com/hero/frterralert.jpg


*Cracks Up In Laughter* :hyper:

[FK47]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/Blaze_X/butterfly.jpg

[Anthrax]

lol!!

[GMP]

A new, stuck up student came to my class bragging about how much more freedom there is in England and how Americans have no respect and don't know anything about England.

My teacher said "That's stereotypical. What makes you think I don't know anything about England?"

The student said "What's the capital of England?"

My teacher said "I don't know. But because of Americans, I know the capital isn't Berlin."

[Anthrax]

Not really funny...
I wont go into why, but it involves America only joining in after they realized they were next, and pearl harbour.

[Statalyzer]

We weren't next, Pearl Harbor didn't have much to do with Germany, and the USA was helping out the English a lot before the USA was officially in the war.

But it's a moot point since Berlin would have belonged to Moscow in a few years with or without the USA.

[aces_high]

Hey all. Fine forums you got here ;). Just registered, thought I would partake in the fun.

Here is a great link: How to Argue Effectively. (http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/Lab/3550/argue.htm)

Sorry if it's old hat.
PS. That GT4 pick is hilarious, and so true.:lol:

[Anthrax]

Yeah, but Pearl Harbour was the catalyst to get them involved in the world war. Practically every country was involved anyway.

[Derek]

ok people, this isn't the place to argue over WWII

[Anthrax]

Agreed...

Hey toxic, wanna open the Toxic Waste Dump III? ;)

[Toxic10x]

haha- you guys can make your own thread- a sort of "political waste dump" where we can argue all the issues where everyone is wrong, regardless of their stance :)

[Derek]

Hey toxic, wanna open the Toxic Waste Dump III? ;)
That can only happen when this forums crashes ;)

[Anthrax]

lol, i wasnt around for the 1st Dump :(

[Toxic10x]

well, every day we're expanding the record for "longest run w/o a crash" :p I'm sure there'll be a TWD III eventually though :dizzy:

[SirSnake]

well, every day we're expanding the record for "longest run w/o a crash" :p I'm sure there'll be a TWD III eventually though :dizzy:


it has to be!

i cant stand this long without a crash :p

[FK47]

i cant stand this long without a crash :p

:D I'm sure we could arrange something... J_t

[SirSnake]

:D I'm sure we could arrange something... J_t



im not sure how to take that but...


i feel.

slightly aroused. :wired:









































:p

[Wrecking Crew]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v237/Wreck42/Titanic.jpg

[Freek]

Army of the Squirl Zombies (http://www.threedy.com/site/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28506) :cool:

[dsi1]

:rofl: :rofl: cute little zombies :uhh: :eek:


EDIT: no crash cause i am lucky :muahaha: :muahaha: :muahaha:

[Freek]

They say you can't disproof the existance of god, I beg to differ. (http://music.ign.com/articles/596/596622p1.html) :yuck:

[Statalyzer]

Q: Why did so many Japanese companies set up corporations in Florida to sell Viagra a few years ago?

A: They heard that the Floridans had a difficult time maintaining an election.

[Shadowwolf1]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
*****

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v680/Shadowwolf1/Ebunny.bmp

[Madcap_Magician]

They say you can't disproof the existance of god, I beg to differ. (http://music.ign.com/articles/596/596622p1.html) :yuck:

Oh... oh my. God hasn't smited them down yet?

I was just getting peeved at the administration here at school, so I thought I'd share how it runs...

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was completely without substance.
And Darkness was on the face of the students.

And they spoke unto their Resident Assistants and said,
"It's a Crock of **** and it Stinketh!"

And the RAs went unto their Student Government saying,
"It's a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the Odor thereof."

And the Student Government went unto their President and sayeth,
"It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very Strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Student Body President went unto the Dean of Students and sayeth,
"It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength."

And the Dean of Students went unto the Board of Trustees and sayeth,
"It contains That which Promotes Plant Growth, and it is very Powerful."

And the Board of Trustees went unto their President and sayeth,
"It promoteth Growth, and it is Very Powerful."

And the President of the Board of Trustees went unto the President of IU and sayeth,
"This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficency of the System."

And the President of IU looked upon the Plan and saw that it was Good.
And the Plan became Policy, the Seventh Day.

[papsarmy]

After a long night of having sex with a lovely lady, the young man awakes and sees a picture of a young man next to the bed.
He asked:"Eh, that man in that picture, is he your husband?"
She laughed, kissed him on the cheek and said:"No, that's not my husband."
The young man, still worried, looked at the beautiful frame the picture is in.
He asked:"Is it your friend?"
She giggled, nibbled on his ears and said:" No, thats not my friend."
The young man tried one more:" Is he your brother then?"
The girl said:"No, that was me. Before my operations.." :evil:

[Madcap_Magician]

So a man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at work and asks "Will you have sex with me?"

"No, my husband wouldn't approve."

"OK. Well, what if I gave you $1000?"

"Well, for $1000 I guess I would. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."

So the man shows up the next afternoon, slaps $1000 on the table, and they do... whatever it was they did. In the evening, her husband comes home and says "Was my best friend here today?"

The wife gets a little nervous. "Um... y-y-yes..."

"And did he leave $1000?"

The wife is now terrified. "Um... y-y-y-yes..."

"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked to borrow $1000, and I said sure, as long as he returned it by this afternoon."

[Wrecking Crew]

This has been done before but what the hell,




Australian Tourism Website

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.
they were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a
sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me
a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Harvey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You
can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go
out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

:evil:

[Madcap_Magician]

LOL, I like those WC

[papsarmy]

Men for sale.

A brand new warehouse just opened. The only thing they are selling are men and it has 6 floors. The higher the floor, the better the men. There is just one "but".... If you move up one floor, you are not allowed to go down again unless you leave the building.

A woman walks in and sees on the 1st floor: Man for sale. Has a job.
"Mmmm, thats better then my ex-husband. He didnt work at all..."
But she is curieus what the next floor has to offer.

2nd floor: Man for sale, has a job and is good looking.
"Wow, she thinks. Thats sounds good." and she goes up again.

3rd floor: Man for sale, has a job, is good looking and likes kids.
"Wow! Thats almost too good to be true. My ex-husband wasnt really fond of kids..." but the woman goes up another floor.

4th floor: Man for sale, has a job, is good looking, likes kids and helps a lot in the household.
"WOW! This is an unbelievable warehouse! I didnt even know man like this existed!" and excited as she is, running up another floor.

5th floor: Man for sale, has a job, is good looking, likes kids, helps a lot in the household and is romantic."
"Oh my God!!!" she cried out and ran to the 6th floor where she sees:

"This is the 6th floor. You are customer 3.657.938 who visited this floor. We don't sell men here. This floor is just to proof that woman will never be satisfied."

:evil:

[Toxic10x]

a- is there an irish term for "hangover?"

b- morning.



...thank you again bash.org :lol:

[SirSnake]

i thought of this one just now, it may not be that funny, but its sure as hell true!



whats the quickest way to get the dens staff post count up?




close a thread. :p


i swear the staff post more in closed threads than in any other threads :lol:

[Toxic10x]

haha- a good point ss :)

[Spider786]

http://toccionline.kizash.com/films/1001/138/index.php

Funny as, Flash

[Toxic10x]

This (http://www.office-humour.co.uk/includes/images/items/2005/03/2794.jpg) is one of the most gloriously funny articles I've ever read.

[Statalyzer]

That idiot trying to make himself rich off a loophole got

OWNED!




Dave's marriage isn't going too well and he's thinking about an affair. He goes to his best friend for advice. "I'm considering having an affair, but I'm worried about what my wife will do if she finds out."

The guy says "Come on, dude, this is the 2000's, not the 1950s, just go ahead and tell her."

So he goes home and says, "Honey, I know things have gotten a little dull between us, and I want that to change."

"And. . . ?"

"Well, I think an affair would spice up our marriage."

"Nope. I already tried that and it didn't work."




And I found this story on another website. It's long but worth it - insane hilarity:


A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little punks. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening. In all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in miniscule, silent batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good crap, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a dump. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of turds at the exact same milisecond that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little twerps attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half-crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence in your mind over crapping, no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since a BM will not kill you, but a puke takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death.

My attention was thus diverted. I could not any longer control the sequence of events in The Move. Without my controlling powers, my ass exploded early, that very split second, in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of crap the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The muddy crap wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting down anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going to sit all the way down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the crap wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, (unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle.) There was a significant amount of crap remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the crappage was going on, the vomit was still heading steadily upward. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles?

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of noisy farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in crap that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid excrement. All while a thick layer of crap was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no @*$#!@& toilet paper!!!

What could I do but laugh? I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed. I didn't want to be standing there naked and have one of those stupid little kids walk in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony, and I intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

[papsarmy]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9
year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and
shuts
the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the
closet
with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man replies, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "Ok, how much?"
Boy: "$25"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mother's
lover
are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, the man asks, "How much?"
Boy: "$75"
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go
outside and toss the ball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that,
that
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church
and
make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession
booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The Priest says, "Don't start that **** again!"

:evil:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a

fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly

Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.



While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in

Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I

don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,"

and he leaves.



The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get

married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect

of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together

FOREVER?"



After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat

bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."



Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't

work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"



St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground.



"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.



"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest

up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a

lawyer?"
:devil:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I 'm
Catholic!"

"OK," the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

:lol:

[Wrecking Crew]

You're going to hell paps! :lol:

[papsarmy]

:d

[Shadowwolf1]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.
*****
Nursing Home Chit Chat

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
*****
A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert.
When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?''

The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.''

The man asks,''What is the gun for?''

The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''

[Statalyzer]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always produced an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction from his hind end. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that it would take enough time to get home that he could release all the ill effects before he arrived. And , after all, it was his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

As expected, he puttered all the way home, but by the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She said "Sorry I have to answer this, just don't peek and I'll be right back." and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This one would have won a blue ribbon. The windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Freek]

Why God of War rocks:

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/050501.jpg :rofl:

[dsi1]

I found this story on another website. It's long but worth it - insane hilarity:


A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little punks. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening. In all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in miniscule, silent batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good crap, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a dump. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of turds at the exact same milisecond that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little twerps attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half-crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence in your mind over crapping, no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since a BM will not kill you, but a puke takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death.

My attention was thus diverted. I could not any longer control the sequence of events in The Move. Without my controlling powers, my ass exploded early, that very split second, in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of crap the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The muddy crap wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting down anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going to sit all the way down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the crap wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, (unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle.) There was a significant amount of crap remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the crappage was going on, the vomit was still heading steadily upward. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles?

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of noisy farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in crap that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid excrement. All while a thick layer of crap was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no @*$#!@& toilet paper!!!

What could I do but laugh? I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed. I didn't want to be standing there naked and have one of those stupid little kids walk in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony, and I intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I culdnt stop laughing lol

Why God of War rocks:

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/050501.jpg


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Statalyzer]

Girls :rolleyes: (http://webspace.utexas.edu/kgv55/women.asx)

[Freek]

Mimes rule! (http://gprime.net/video.php/tornmime) :lol: Although not quite as much as Lee Evans (http://gprime.net/video.php/theleeevanstrio). :rofl:


http://snowchyld.org/images/emperorbenedict.jpg
:shifty:

[papsarmy]

lol...Press "Play ad" :D :beer:

http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?adid=18580


and one for the none-smokers, like me.. :D

http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?adid=6747

[meteoradreams]

After a long night of having sex with a lovely lady, the young man awakes and sees a picture of a young man next to the bed.
He asked:"Eh, that man in that picture, is he your husband?"
She laughed, kissed him on the cheek and said:"No, that's not my husband."
The young man, still worried, looked at the beautiful frame the picture is in.
He asked:"Is it your friend?"
She giggled, nibbled on his ears and said:" No, thats not my friend."
The young man tried one more:" Is he your brother then?"
The girl said:"No, that was me. Before my operations.." :evil:

Discrimination! I'm reporting you directly to m00!







:p

[Freek]

Rap made beatifull, Straight Outta Compton, the nice version:
http://www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompton.mp3

:lol: :cool:

[Toxic10x]

...so a dyslexic man walks into a bra....

[meteoradreams]

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[Toxic10x]

I have a buddy who's an icopter pilot over in Iraq... He used to be a helicopter pilot, but the Iraqis shot the hell out of it.

[Freek]

Everytime I read or see anything related to Japan, it just gets weirder (http://www.ukresistance.co.uk/2005/07/darth-vader-pulls-japanese-schoolgirls.html). :rockbrow:

[Wrecking Crew]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious
health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran
across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound
weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed
in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like
The way this company does business!"
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
Lost 10lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is
worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he
Has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good in years".
The next day there's a knock at the door and
when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, you're mine."

================================================

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could
get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
thought, and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and
said,"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him
By the dick. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and
your brother.


================================================


There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named
because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
Where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
Next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next
day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


And what is the moral of this story?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>
the moral is...You can't kill two birds with one stone! :evil:

[Yorkie]

:rofl: they are so going to be sent to work they were great WC you brightened my morning :D

[Tomahawk]

I decided to skip right to the last page, I guess I'm just a lazy SOB, what exactly are we talking about here?:wtf:

[Statalyzer]

I decided to skip right to the last page, I guess I'm just a lazy SOB, what exactly are we talking about here?:wtf:

:dunce:

[Wrecking Crew]

:rofl: they are so going to be sent to work they were great WC you brightened my morning :D

Thanks Yorkie. Here are instructions all real Aussie blokes need to memorise:

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD:

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the

footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only itispermissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a.When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". ie.When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed andeaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend outof jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may

ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.

If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless

supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game

(can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,exceptif she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.

For all other situations,an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than

you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"

have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guiltyis

no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever

[papsarmy]

The new German Pope is on a tour through Holland. He rides along the sea in his Popemobile when suddenly he sees a big fat man in a German footballshirt in the sea, screaming like a pig, being attacked by a big 12 foot shark.

"Stop the car" screams the Pope but at that moment a speedboat comes up with 3 men in it, wearing orange Holland footballshirts. They shoot a harpoon in the shark, hit it with peddles and when the shark is dead, they pull it aboard. After that they pull the bleeding German aboard.

"oh, my God" said the Pope, "This is wonderfull!! I have always thought that the Dutch people hated the Germans but after i have seen this.... I am delighted, i will give you all my blessings! Thank you! You made clear that good people can forgive and forget."

After his speech and blessings, the Pope drives on. The 3 Dutch guys look at eachother.
"Who was that?" said the first Dutch man.
"That was the Pope, leader of a billion katholics." said the second.

"Well, he doesnt know **** about shark-hunting. Is our bait still good or do we need a fresh German from the beach?"

:evil:

[Wrecking Crew]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.




This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.




Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of Corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.




Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth more than $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.



Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth more than $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak.


But finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"



That's when she shot him.



You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.





=======================================================================





Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt

pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.




When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"



Well, "he explained, " the restaurant’s owners hired PWC Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."




As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."



I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"


"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time

in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 7639 percent."







I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"





"Well,” he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Wow Your Ugly]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

lmfao at the second one. thats hillarious

:rofl:

[Wrecking Crew]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

lmfao at the second one. thats hillarious

:rofl:

Funnier than my new work area :eek:

[Massacure]

Barbara Bush took her little boy, George, to church. While in church little boy George said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to little boy George, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. From now on when you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to whisper'."

The following Sunday, little boy George went to church with his Father, George Senior, and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

George Senior looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

[Yorkie]

Some good advice!


DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you
like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out
at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on
you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife
from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and
wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on
their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows

:D

[Wrecking Crew]

Don't buy an expensive address book. Simply tear out all the pages from a telephone book all the people you don't know and you will be left with a free address book of people you do know.:lol:

[Toxic10x]

Some good stuff! And now for our lame joke of the day...

What do you call a soldier who is afraid to go to war?

...an Iraqnaphobic!

[Wrecking Crew]

Many women think that they already know everything, but wait, newtraining courses are now available in 2005 for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier : Where No Women Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking : Making Deposits
3. Parties : Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management : Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I : Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette ii : His Razor Is His
7. Communication Skills I : Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills ii : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills iii : Getting what you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a car Safely : A Skill You CAN Acquire
11 Telephone Skills : How To Hang Up
12. Introduction To Parking
13. Advanced Parking : Backing into a Space
14. Water Retention : Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I : Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking ii : Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking iii : How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments : Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS :Your Problem .......... Not His
20. Dancing : Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing : Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust : A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry : Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes : For Men Only
26. Getting Ready to go out : Start the day before

[Desolator12]

SIGNS YOU WORK WITH A WEREWOLF

* Still hasn't forgiven Michael J. Fox for "Teen Wolf."

* Newly installed keg of Nair in men's room.

* His Wolfman Jack impression is eerily authentic.

* Five o'clock shadow appears around 8:30 am.

* Only *guy* you know who circles several days a month in red on his desk calendar.

* Says, "Great job on the Hanrahan account!" and then humps your leg.

* Domino's guy asks, "who ordered the large Cheese and Raw Beef Special?"

* Adamantly refuses to drink Coors Light.

* In lieu of annual bonus, prefers a good scratching behind the ears.

* Suddenly sports a beard when mooned at office holiday party.

* Water cooler conversations always end with talk of "kickin' Ol' Yellar's ass."

* "Severance pay" has taken on a whole new meaning lately..

* Vending machine always out of Milk Bones.

* Your sarcastic little "Bite me!" nets you 12 stitches.

* Always calls in sick with "mange."

* Coughs up a hairball during morning staff meeting.

* Has more hair on his back than you've got on your head, and he's NOT ED ASNER!

[Statalyzer]

Wreck that was pretty funny except points 10 and 20. Men are just as bad drivers as women, only in different ways. But it is true that women in general have no parking skills and no sense of direction. As for #20, just because you can't dance worth anything, don't project it on the rest of us. :p

Anyway, three surgeons are arguing over who is the most skills. The first one brags to the other two "I had to stitch the hands back on to a man who cut them both off with a chain saw. Today he is a concert violinist."

"Well," says the second, "Not to brag, but I've done much better. Remember when the old town hall collapsed in the earthquake? One woman lost both her legs, but I reattached them and now she's running olympic marathons."

Then the third, the most experienced of the group, speaks up. "Those are both nothing. I came upon the scene once of a terrible accident, where a horse-drawn cart had been run over by a car. Nothing was left but a pair of glasses and a horse's ass. Today that man is seated in the United States Senate."

[Tomahawk]

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What in the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two hours pass . . .

Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"

[Statalyzer]

PHARMACY PICKUP LINES:

"Side effects may include: infatuation, lower inhibitions, and an awesome breakfast tomorrow morning."
"Directions: apply me to sensative area."
"Must be taken orally."
"Even Pepcid AC can't stop my heart from burning for you."
"I have your suppository right here."
"Take twice daily, or as desired."
"If contact occurs, strip down and rinse off immediately."

[tagbert]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of Corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth more than $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth more than $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak.


But finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

So two million dollars of deposits from sex, at 20$ per session. This man has had sex 100 000 times with his wife (not counting all his 'other' business J_t) over thirty years. At 365 days in a year this is 100 000 sexual encounters with his wife in 10950 days. Which works itself out to 9.13 sexual encounters per day. Assuming he sleeps an average of six hours per day, that's one sexual encounter every 2 hours. In short, he may have lost his job, and he may have been shot, but I'll be damned if he didn't die a happy man :p

[Statalyzer]

So two million dollars of deposits from sex, at 20$ per session. This man has had sex 100 000 times with his wife

Wrong.

[tagbert]

Wrong.

My calculator says 2 000 000 / 20 = 100 000

?:(

[Wrecking Crew]

I think you guys have forgotten about bank interest rates and compound interest.
You have also forgotten about a sense of humour. Shame really, try sex someday, it's good therapy. :evil:

[tagbert]

Do you even get that anymore WC? :p

[Wrecking Crew]

I'm always getting therapy :evil:

[Statalyzer]

My calculator says 2 000 000 / 20 = 100 000

The joke says deposits and interest.

EDIT: and savings and investments.

[Shadowwolf1]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific. The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', when you ask whats' the matter and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

[Tomahawk]

For all our English pals out there -

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH:
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse Yanks with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union Jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. Puts you in with a chance of bedding Joan Collins
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh,
11. Or Scottish

:p

[Jordan]

The top 10 reasons to dumpster dive. 1. You get to overcome Claustrophobia 2. You get to get dirty 3. You can eat anything you want inside 4. You can impress friends with your non-caring personality 5. You can read the Word of the People after your dive. 6. You can find interesting stuff 7. Doses of dirtiness can counter clean-freaks 8. If you soil yourself, noone will notice 9. Happiness can be found anywhere, and people might not check there yet 10. You can make people pass out with old stinky cheese 11. Then, you can take the victim's stuff

[Wrecking Crew]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just like the chocolate around them."

[Shadowwolf1]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the best rack. :p

[Statalyzer]

There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.

The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"


What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full.

Why did the man steal the pen?
He had an inkling.

What did the Momma Buffalo say to her child as he left for school?
"Bison!"

What did the tie say to the hat?
"I'll just hang around, you go on ahead."

Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
He was looking for a Czech mate.

What time is bedtime at michael jackson's house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

McDonald's is introducing the new Michael Jackson burger: a piece of 45-year-old meat between eight-year-old buns.

What do you get when you cross a porcupine and a snail?
A slow poke.

Buddha goes to a burger join and and says "Make me one with everything!" Then he gives the guy at the register $20 bill and the guy just takes it and doesn't give him change. "What about my change?" "Change must come from within."

[Wrecking Crew]

Seamless Unity
Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His dad sighs and
replies, Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway.
Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too
late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later, your mom sent me an
instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of
unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting file which had
implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up
appeared and said: You've Got Male"

[Derek]

Seamless Unity
Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His dad sighs and
replies, Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway.
Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too
late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later, your mom sent me an
instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of
unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting file which had
implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up
appeared and said: You've Got Male"

:rofl:

Keep it up WC, this is the only reasons we still feed you :p

[Wrecking Crew]

An Anglican Priest was seated next to a Queenslander
on a flight to Canberra.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Queenslander asked for a Bundy Rum and Coke,
which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Priest if he would
like a drink.
He replied in disgust: "I'd rather be savagely raped by
a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Queenslander then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said "Me, too - I didn't know we had a choice."

[Derek]

For Wrecking Crew, courtesy of eBaum's:

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Tomahawk]

Might wanna start saving those Pampers cupons WC. :evil:

Two adventurers were exploring the wide open prairie with the thought that if they found a good building site they would homestead. Nearby they saw two animals chasing each other and playing happily in the tall grass. "Did you ever see such scruffy looking beasts?" said one man. "No!" his friend replied. "They are really moth-eaten, aren't they!" Whereupon the antelope turned to the deer and said, "I do believe I've just heard a discouraging word!"

[Wrecking Crew]

Subject: Joke: experience vs technology



The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd,
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Telstra mobile phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young
man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds
of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd
and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says
to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd.
You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for
an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know
crap about my business."

"Now give me back my dog!"

========================================================

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you
now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

[Wrecking Crew]

Subject: VERY PUNNY

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much,but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn' find any.
12 A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron,"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make the laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Wrecking Crew]

Subject: Fwd: Food for thought

Can't eat beef ... mad cow
Can't eat chicken ... bird flu
Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella
Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies
Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmm,

I believe that leaves Chocolate!

Remember - - - "STRESSED"
spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"

[cncmomma]

For da big kitty...:lol:

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/cncmomma/kittysniper.jpg

[Statalyzer]

The trouble with Canda is that they could have gotten US technology, British culture, and French cuisine, and instead they got French technology, US culture, and British cuisine.

[meteoradreams]

http://mfile.akamai.com/5028/wma/bobntom.download.akamai.com/5028/clips/cotw/mr_obvious_costume.asx

They played this yesterday on the Bob and Tom show. It really is hilarious, and you have to hear it to really appreciate it. It is pure riotous comedic gold :D

[Fulcrum]

I've heard that show before - they had a Mr. Obvious bit they used where the caller thought he had a bear in his cellar... and he did!

[meteoradreams]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "****."

[Tomahawk]

Differences between Indy and NASCAR

Indy cars look like rocket ships.
Stock cars look like the one you wrecked last week.

When Indy cars bump a wall, they explode.
Stock cars slam against each other, bounce off a concrete fence, do a double-back flip and keep going.

When an Indy car race is over, drivers shake hands.
When a stock car race is over, drivers shake their fists.

The average Indy car driver looks like James Bond.
The average stock car driver looks like Indiana Jones.

Indy car fans know the party's over when the pate' runs out.
Stock car fans know the party's over when the police arrive.

Indy car drivers are named Mario.
Stock car drivers are named Fireball.

Indy car writers like to pop a cork, sit around and discuss the new Penske chassis.
Stock car writers like to pop a top, sit around and discuss Brooke's chassis.

Indy cars are assembled by a team of Swiss and German scientists in a top secret laboratory in Geneva.
Stock cars are built in the back of Gomer's garage by men named Waddel, Junior, and Banjo.


A little boy ran away from home and a cop saw him and said "Hey little boy, what are you doing?" The little boy replied "I'm running away from home." The cop asked him "Why are you doing that?" The little boy replied "Because my dad beats me." The cops says "Oh, well get in the car and I will take you to your mother's." And the little boy says "No, no! She beats me too!" The cop says "Do you have an uncle?" "Yes but he beats me too", replied the little boy. And the cop says "Get in the car and I'll take you to your grandmother's then." The little boy says "No, no, no! My grandmother beats me also." The cop says "Well little boy, is there anywhere I can take you where nobody will beat you?" And the little boys says "Take me to live with Dale Earnhardt Jr.? Because he can't beat anybody."

[Toxic10x]

I'm working on becoming ambidextrous...


...I'm about half way there.




made that one up myself :p I'll be here all weekend folks!

[Derek]

I'm working on becoming ambidextrous...


...I'm about half way there.




made that one up myself :p I'll be here all weekend folks!
I think I completely missed it :p

[Tomahawk]

:p
I think I completely missed it :p

Me too.

I don't have ADD, ohh look a chicken!

[Statalyzer]

A policeman walks into the station with a prisoner in tow. The guy has a small desk strapped to his back, carries a bunch of files under one arm and a water cooler under the other, and has a computer monitor for a hat.

"What's he charged with?" says the police chief.

"Impersonating an office, sir."

[meteoradreams]

If girls with big breasts work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work?





























IHOP.

[Wrecking Crew]

During a visit to a Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criterion was which defined whether
or not a patent should be institutionalized.
"Well" said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient & ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"


A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her
sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but
I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $5,000 a
month living expenses."

[Derek]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her
sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but
I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $5,000 a
month living expenses."


So this is how you make your living :chin:

[Wrecking Crew]

Damn, I'm busted.
pssst..wanna buy a pharmacist shop?...real cheap and all stock included, no staff!

[Wrecking Crew]

A local Salvation Army office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken Salvation Army rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Wrecking Crew]

Subject: Heart Surgeon's funeral
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.

At his funeral, his Coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart
made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon; and everyone said their good-byes,
The large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart
closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are
you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
gynaecologist"...

Too which the other guy said: "OMG, I'm a proctologist"

:evil:

[Wrecking Crew]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

"124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS" What the hell did
you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that
twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki"

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's ******ed, you might as well go fishing."

[Wrecking Crew]

I love my job I love the pay
I love it more and more each day
I love my boss he is the best
I love his boss and all the rest

I love my office and its location
I hate to go on vacation
I love my furniture, drab and grey
And piles of paper that grow each day

I think my job is really swell
There’s nothing else I love so well
I love to work among my peers
I love their leers, jeers and sneers

I love my computer and it’s software
I hug it often though it won’t care
I love each program and every file
I’d love them more if they worked awhile

I’m happy to be here, I am, I am
I’m the happiest slave of the firm I am
I love this work, I love these chores
I love the meetings with deadly bores

I love my job – I’ll say it again
I even love those friendly men
Those friendly men who’ve come today
In clean white coats to take me away.

:doped: :wave: :doped:

[MaXiMuZZZ]

'THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH' one is great. :p

[Wrecking Crew]

Genuine complaints received by local councils:

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. ...

and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. ...

it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. ...

and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen ...

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

[Statalyzer]

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are all lost out in the middle of nowhere when they come upon a farmhouse. They knock on the door and the farmer answers and they ask if they can spend the night inside of wandering out in the cold. He says "Sure, but I've only got two extra beds and you'll freeze sleeping on the floor, so someone will have to sleep in the barn. It don't smell too good but there's some old saddle blankets that can keep you warm."

The Rabbi volunteers to let his friends have the house and goes over the barn. Soon afterward there's a knock at the door of the house. The farmer opens it and the Rabbi is back. "I'm sorry but there is a pig in that barn, which is not a Kosher animal and unclean to us. I can't spend the night in the same room as a pig." The Hindu says "It's alright, sleep in here and I'll take the barn."


Soon afterward there is another knock at the house door. The Hindu is back. He says "There's a cow in that barn, it's a sacred animal to us. I cannot spend the night in the same room as the cow." So the lawyer says he'll take the barn and the other two can have the house beds.

A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door. The farmer opens it and sees the pig and the cow standing outside the house.

[SirSnake]

this is a bit random.


but google image search "jesus". at the moment, the first picture on the second page is a guy i know at a uni in london.

its bloody odd, but very funny.

[Wrecking Crew]

LETTERS 'DEAR ABBY' ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking up Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

[Wrecking Crew]

Some of these have been around for a long time but I can't be assed to cut them.

---------
Q: What's the difference between the Collingwood footy team and an
arsonist?
A: The arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches!
---------
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
---------
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
---------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."
---------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
---------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like 'Tom Jones Syndrome' to me." "Really? Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."
---------
Two cows are talking in a field.
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you."
"It's true, no bull!"
---------
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
---------
Déja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
---------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
---------
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!!"
"Of course you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
---------
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
---------
Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A. A fsh.
---------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
---------
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked. "Because I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
---------
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He tells her, "They're twins!
Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
---------
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail. With his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath.
This, of course, made him ...(oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
---------
And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh.
Of course, no pun in ten did!

[Statalyzer]

I think all of those have been posted on this thread already, a lot of them recently. :lol:

[Fleetatks]

the best song ever: http://funnyjunk.com/pages/banana.htm

[Derek]

Older than dirt :|

[Fleetatks]

up to the minute weather forcasts in nebraska:

[Wrecking Crew]

Subject: Love, Lust, Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.
Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.
Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.
Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.
Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is you're only thought.
Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.
Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

[Wrecking Crew]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount SinaiHospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me ****

[Statalyzer]

A priest dies and goes to heaven and meets Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says that he has earned a beautiful home for all eternity, a lovely, comfortable cottage in the middle of grassy field surrounded by rolling hills with scattered shrubbery, with perfect weather forever. He's happy with the arrangment until he sees a taxi driver behind him in line get an enormous, ornate mansion.

The priest storms back to protest "I've served the Lord faithfully for many years and dedicated my entire life to his service, how you can him 100x the home you give to me?!?!"

Saint Peter answers him. "It's simple. Here in heaven, what we care about is results! When you preached, people slept; when he drove, people prayed!"

[Yorkie]

These have probably been posted before but when I come back I always post something in here so here goes :D

The difference between men and women

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw ina $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

:D

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you "


"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.


"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

> She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?


"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

:D

p.s read a few of the more recent ones of yours wc and :lol:

[Wrecking Crew]

Nice to see you back Yorkie. Don't stay away for so long again or I'll come looking for you :evil:

[Wow Your Ugly]

What do you call a seagull that flys over a bay?

A baygull. :shifty:

[meteoradreams]

A woman in the grocery store is fed up with the way things are run in it, so she takes the matter directly to the manager, who is typically on a short fuse. Finally he can't take anymore so he asks a simple question, noticing her children around her.

Manager: Ma'am, are your boys adopted?

Customer: No, they're mine, I carried them to term myself.

Manager: Well, are they twins?

Customer: No, you idiot, one's nine years old and the other is one. Why do you ask?

Manager: Because I find it very hard to believe that you got laid twice.

[Wrecking Crew]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my Business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my Car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, She prays. My God, why have You forsaken me?
I've lost my business, My house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have
always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...


"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

[Wrecking Crew]

THE ETERNAL VIRGIN
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a
virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly
approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order
when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened
to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final"
arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she
wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal
clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it
became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much
too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and
hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request,
considering the very limited space available on the small piece of
stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he
thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly
engraved,
and it read as follows:


















"RETURNED UNOPENED"

[MaXiMuZZZ]

After hearing numerous news reports with comments like: "We don't know if Osama is really still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded message: 370HSSV - 0773H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her aides were baffled too, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down".

[Wrecking Crew]

These may have been posted before, but they are worth a second reading.


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.
She looks into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He
Looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
Kitchen

And yells . . .
"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this
with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy
Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the
coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night, and put everything away, it was M! ummy Bear who went out in
the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear
Who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat
out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and
food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry
bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy
presence, listen carefully, cause I will say this only once ...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F######G PORRIDGE YET !!!"



One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[VO]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Canadian Club whisky and women with big tits."

[DJM]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Pilot you racist bastard!

[Shadowwolf1]

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[Wrecking Crew]

It's hard to believe people like this exist. Some of them are
determined not to be helped. They must have been born & raised in a
deep mineshaft and only brought out for these shows!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were
written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins
with G, > revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state
funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by
the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't
hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? - F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle
with wings
16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30) Something red? - My sweater

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the
world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in
Spain.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera.
True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an
American TV show, so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel
last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

And there you have it folks, proof positive that the DGNF members are smarter than the average bear. :evil:

[Chuckie]

Dunno know if this has been done before so here goes.......
Subject: Actual Court Transcripts.. tooo funny!
> These are from a book called Disorder in the
> American Courts, and
> are things
> people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now
> published
> by court reporters that had the torment of
> staying calm while these
> exchanges were actually taking place.
_________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
> the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
> your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
> memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
> example of something you
> forgot?
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living
> with you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
> remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
> said to you that
> morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever
> been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
> person dies in his
> sleep,
> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year-old,
> how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
> taken?
> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the
> baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh....
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
> terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
> beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
> work.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
> have you performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
> people.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
> What school did you
> go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
> examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
> wondering why I was doing an
> autopsy on him!
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
> sample?
> WITNESS: Huh?
>
>
__________________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
> autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
> patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
> desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
> alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
> been alive and
> practicing law.

[DJM]

OMG I just got banned from B&Q!

I was in the garden section and some dude in an orange bib came up to me and asked if I wanted decking...

So I got the first punch in.

[Wesforce]

I DON'T KNOW WHICH DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!



HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q:Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.




Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

[DJM]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the
mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts
are too small. Instead of characteristically telling
her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up
with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day
take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your
breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetchs a piece of toilet
paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing
it between her breasts. How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

She stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my
breasts larger over years?"

Without missing a beat he says,


"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

[Desolator12]

(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it is the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he would be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he has done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way, pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it is too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.



What were you people thinking?
You are all nasty thinkers.
I know what you were thinking!

[Shadowcrawler45]

I got a good one. My friend told me this:
So Osama BinLaden, A Canadian farmer and a US Marine are in a room. There's a magic lamp in the middle so they all rub it. A genie comes out and gives them three wishes (or one wish each).
Farmer: I want the land of Canada to be forever fetile. So his wish is granted.
Osama: I want an impenitrable wall around my house to keep infediles out. So his wish is granted.
Us Marine: Those walls are really impenitrable?
Genie: Yes. Nothing gets in or out.
US Marine: Fill it with water...:muahaha: :muahaha: :muahaha: :muahaha: :muahaha: :muahaha: :muahaha: :muahaha:

[Derek]

I heard this joke four years ago (give or take a few months) except replace "Forever fertile" with "Forever peaceful", Osama's house with Afghanistan and US Marine with George Bush.

[Shadowcrawler45]

I heard this joke four years ago (give or take a few months) except replace "Forever fertile" with "Forever peaceful", Osama's house with Afghanistan and US Marine with George Bush. Yeah but I said his house cuz I mdont want to be prejudice to EVERY person in the mid-east.

[Fleetatks]

I DON'T KNOW WHICH DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

ahhhh your talking about my doctor, Dr. Pepper i like him too...


:D nice jokes there

[cncmomma]

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/cncmomma/lol.jpg

[ImageKlonoa]

clicky (http://forums.radiocontrolzone.com/showpost.php?p=1982549&postcount=1)

you probably wont get it at first read, its one of those things that are unintentionally funny.

[Derek]

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/cncmomma/lol.jpg
I've actually seen that pciture before in real life :p

clicky (http://forums.radiocontrolzone.com/showpost.php?p=1982549&postcount=1)

you probably wont get it at first read, its one of those things that are unintentionally funny.
Wow, he fell for it not once, but twice, doesn't this guy know how to say "No, I won't give you a ****ing ride" :|

[ImageKlonoa]

fell for it a total of 6 times, going on 7. But if hes getting oral everytime his wallet gets stolen, I can start to see why. :p

[Wrecking Crew]

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of
stud bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her
husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that
said,"
this bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from
him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign
saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really
excited and said, "That's once a day, you could REALLY learn
something from this one."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was
with the same cow every time."

(The husband's condition has been downgraded from critical to stable.
He should be able to eat soft foods in a week, and is expected to
make a full recovery.)

[Yorkie]

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, my arse is hurting, can you check it out."

So the doctor makes the man drop his trousers and boxers, and the doctor has a look. He sticks his hand in there, and pulls out a £10 note.

"How this get in here?" Asks the doctor.

"I don't know. Have a look to see if there is more" says the man.

So the doctor has another look, and pulls out another £10. He keeps this up, and eventually has a pile of £1990. "Does this explain anything?" Asks the doctor.

"Well I was not feeling too grand."

:D

1) Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2) A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3) Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5) A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: >>"A beer please, and one for the road."

6) Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7) "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8) Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9) An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10) Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12) A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13) I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15) Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

16) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

17) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

18) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19) Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

20) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

21) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

22) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

23) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

:D

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering
aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,

when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is
sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the
next sand dune,

and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded
with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's
fried bacon,

back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable
kind! of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the
desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell
of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 metres,

Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden,

a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his
tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend
that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon
tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

..

..

..

..

..

Ees

..

..

..

..

..

..

"Ees, a Ham Bush"

:lol:

fell for it a total of 6 times, going on 7. But if hes getting oral everytime his wallet gets stolen, I can start to see why. :p

He probably made sure he picked up some really cheap crappy wallets and stuffed em with paper :lol:

[Wrecking Crew]

Yorkie, you made my day with the last one. It made up for all the previous old jokes. :lol: Great to see you are still with us.

[Yorkie]

yeah sorry if some were really old but I was just clearing out my email and thought where better to post em before deleting but here :D

On hols for 2 weeks from work so have a bit of time on my hands :)

[Wesforce]

Think of this when sending those poor little unarmed buggers off to their doom!

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[Statalyzer]

It's all true except the last one. Engineers don't like "features", in general, but the marketing department and the programmers love them. "Why can't they play at night?" sounds like something I'd say. :uhh:

Anyway, that all reminds me of how four surgeons are discussing their work together over lunch. The first one mentions how he loves operating on librarians, because you open them up and everything is catalogued and alphabetized. The second says "Accountants are easiest to operate on because everything is numbered." "No," says the third, "Engineers are easiest. They always understand if you add some extra parts or have a few left over at the end." Then the last one, the most experienced of the group, chimes in. "You're all wrong. Nobody is better to operate on than lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and buttocks are interchangeable."

[Mr.BillCollector]

^^^^ Look it, the mean guy made a funny. Not a bad joke stat, pretty clever indeed. I despise lawyers, especially when they cant clear my trouble up...or dont even return my calls. Bastards.

[Wrecking Crew]

Yeah, yeah, I know Chuck Norris jokes are boring, but here's some more to make you sleep:

Vital facts about the Norris...

· When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

· Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Chuck Norris".

· If you wake up in the morning, it is because Chuck Norris spared your life.

· Chuck Norris won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove
to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands
are gay.

· Every day is the longest day of Chuck Norris's life. For terrorists, the shortest.

· What colour is Chuck Norris's blood? Trick question. Chuck Norris does not bleed.

· Chuck Norris once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

· When Chuck stares into the sun, the sun flinches.


· If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says its beef. Then it's beef.

· Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Chuck Norris does not feel like carrying you.

· James Bond has a license to kill. Chuck Norris does not need any licenses.

· Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

· Chuck Norris once double teamed a girl.. by himself.


· 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Chuck Norris. Sounds like a fair fight.

· Chuck Norris was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Chuck Norris.

· Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

· When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Chuck Norris hates lemonade.

· Chuck Norris doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

· Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.


· You can lead a horse to water. Chuck Norris can make him drink.


· Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

· Chuck Norris once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

· When you open a can of whip-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.


· Simon Says should be renamed to Chuck Norris Says because if Chuck Norris says something then you better do it.

· Killing Chuck Norris doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

· Chuck Norris would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.

· Chuck Norris does the Sunday Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.

· When Google can't find something, it asks Chuck Norris for help.


· In 96 hours, Chuck Norris has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

· There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Chuck Norris way. It's basically the right way, but faster and with more deaths.

· Why did the terrorist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Chuck Norris could get him.

· When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.


· Chuck Norris once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."

· In kindergarten, Chuck Norris killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

· Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

· When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

· Chuck Norris can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key.

· Chuck Norris got Hellen Keller to talk.


· People with amnesia still remember Chuck Norris.

BTW, I hate Chuck Norris! :moonie:

[GunsnArmor]

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


I find that last sentence offencive.

[Statalyzer]

Chuck Norris is so strong, he can even pick up your momma.

Chuck Norris is so fast he used to be black, but outran his melanin.

Chuck Norris is so fast his girlfriend thinks she's still a virgin.

[GunsnArmor]

Chuck Norris goes to Virgin Island and turns it into Island.

[meteoradreams]

If your wife's sideburns are bigger than Elvis's, you might be a redneck.

If your billiard ball set features a black 3 ball and a red 8 ball, you might be a redneck. (Anyone with understanding of NASCAR would get that)

If your idea of a long distance relationship is your first cousin, you might be a redneck.

[GunsnArmor]

An airplane from Tennessee is headed for Michigan. The airplane loses an engine and the captain goes over the speakers and says "Um, we lost an engine, but don't worry. We still have three engines working perfectly fine. There will just be a ten minute delay".

Ten minutes later they lose a second engine. The captain goes over the speakers and says "Well we lost another engine, but don't worry, this has happened plenty of times, I'm sure. We still have two very nice engines left, and were only going to have a 25 minute delay".

25 minutes later they lose a third engine. The captan goes over the speakers and says "Well folks, we lost another engine, but we will make it, we still have an engine left. Theres just going to be an hour delay". The passengers start to get nervouse, but one passenger starts cursing and kicking the seat in front of him. The guy next to him says "Why are you so pissed off?". Then the guy stops kicking the seat and says "If we lose this last engine were going to be up here forever!"

[Daishi]

http://www.tallyhall.com/video.php?v...30.mov#theater

Hell yes I want a banana.

[Derek]

Q: What did one math book say to the other?

A: Don't bother me-I've got my own problems.

Moral: Never get jokes from a math worksheet :|

[Wrecking Crew]

Read through these Children's Science Exam answers. These are real answers given by children:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink, because it
removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there
is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get
intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood, and looks forward
to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull, instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs; and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[Daishi]

For the love of God, and all that is holy,

http://www.zippyvideos.com/7803965641895236/rejected/

[Statalyzer]

These are real answers given by children:

Some could be real, but most of those almost have to be fabricated.

[meteoradreams]

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Arnold Schwarzaneggear all went to heaven at the same time. God (who was sitting in his Holy Chair) said only one of them could go into heaven. God said they had to explain why they should be able to get in.
Arnold said,
"Because I am muscular and I have bulging biceps."
Vin Deisel said,
"Because I'm bald and tough and stuff."

Chuck Norris turned to God and said
"GET OFF MY CHAIR, BITCH!"

God ran away. At that moment that God was gone, Saddam Hussein was born.

[meteoradreams]

This morning I took two Ex Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't keep off the crapper, but at least I feel good about it.

[sargent242]

True: an accused vending machine theif payed all of his bail in quarters
Also True:Some criminals have used the folowing items to try and rob places:an index finger, an egg, abowling ball, awedge of cheese, an artificail leg, a 21 lb turkey, a hot fudge sundae, a bannana, a frozen suasage, a lit ciggarete, a one and a have lb chihuahua, an insect, a snake, and a toilet seat:lol::lol::lol:

Edit: 3 smillies is enough. Don't exceed them again please. ~ Wrecking Crew

[Wrecking Crew]

My son works for an earthmoving contractor in a country town. On the back of their business card the following advice appears:
==========================================================
WE DO NOT

Tame Tigers, Castrate Crocodiles
Empty Bars, Organise Orgies
Convert Virgins, Swat Flies

BUT WE DO A BLOODY GOOD JOB!

:evil:

[Wesforce]

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy,

"You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but. You never really did anything bad either, though. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that youve done in your life, I will let you in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and about 50 of 'em were about to start torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire Iron. Then I turned around and yelled at the rest of them, Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter is mightily impressed "Really? he says, When did this happen?"

The man glumly replies, About two minutes ago."

[Shadowwolf1]

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he
was still there.

[Wesforce]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each organization has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit. They make no apologies, the rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out an hour later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[Daishi]

Ways to know if you drink too much coffee...

-You answer the door before people knock.
-Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
-The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.
-You ski uphill.
-You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
-You speed walk in your sleep.
-You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
-You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
-When you open your dish cabinet, and there is only mugs.
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
-You lick your coffeepot clean.
-You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
-You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-Your coffee cake, must have coffee in it.
-You chew on other people's fingernails.
-Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
-You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
-The only gift you get for Valentines Day you get chocolate covered beans.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-All your kids are named "Joe".
-Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
-You don't sweat, you percolate.
-You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
-You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
-You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you
realize it's not plugged in.
-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
-Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
-Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.
-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
-People get dizzy just watching you.
-You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
-The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
-Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
-You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test
their batteries in your ears.
-Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
-Instant coffee takes too long.
-When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good
to the last drop."
-You want to be cremated just so you can spend the res
of eternity in a coffee can.
-You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next
life.
-Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
-Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
-You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
-You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the
coffee.
-You're offended when people use the word "brew" to
mean beer.
-You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
-You get drunk just so you can sober up.
-You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
-Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee
mug.
-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
-You can jump to the moon.
-You short out motion detectors.
-You have a conniption over spilled milk.
-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
-You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
-You don't tan, you roast.
-You don't get mad, you get steamed.
-Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before,
coffee during and coffee after.
-Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass
-of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
-You can't even remember your second cup.
-You help your dog chase its tail.
-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
-Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
-You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
-You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides
Resuscitation."
-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an
I.V. hookup

--------

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter

[Wesforce]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, frantically, she shoves her lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."


A couple weeks later, the incident repeats itself. The lover finds himself back in the closet with the little boy.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, sighs and asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1, 000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

[Wrecking Crew]

BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bull****.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

**** 'em!!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't ****ing care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.
Billy Connolly

P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then **** off

[Derek]

Found this on Wikipedia:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/57/Shuttle_lightspeed.jpg
"Shuttle travelling nearly 18 times speed of light"

NASA's been keeping some technology secret... :p

[Daishi]

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. :eek: Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cellphone and blurts, "My best friend just dropped dead! What should I do?!"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, lets make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe returns to the phone.
"Okay," he says nervously. "What do I do next?"

------------------

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk :drunk: led the way to the bedroom. where there was a big brass gong on one wall.

-What's the gong for?
-It's not a gong. Its a talking clock.
-A talking clock? How's it work?
-Watch this.

The drunk took a hammer and gave the gong an ear-shatttering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk, its 3:00 in the morning!"

----------------

A pair of cows were talking in the field. :wiggle:

-Have you heard about that mad cow disease that's going around?
-Yeah... it makes me glad I'm a penguin.

[Desolator12]

Rules for the Non Military
--------------------------------
Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem---kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest---kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an Air Force membe r, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake---and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her---of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief (CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked!

9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me---stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore, could kick your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me---if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!

11. 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt' (Army), 'Squid' (Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. That could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked."

13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS

14. If anyone else ask me if what I did "Over There!" was necessary- I will kick their ass!

[Statalyzer]

Why did you post that in the Toxic Waste Dump????

[Desolator12]

Why did you post that in the Toxic Waste Dump????
Because it's funny. It's also serious. Hence, my porblem.

[Statalyzer]

It didn't seem to me like it was supposed to be funny.

:clear:

Anyway, it was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As he took the stage, he announced, "I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep you eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor. As it broke into thousands of tiny pieces, Claude said "OH, ****!"

It took three weeks to clean up the theater..

[Wrecking Crew]

This letter from a new American army recruit to Mum and Dad back home in Eromanga, a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm. Tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone.I woz a bit slow in settling down at first, because yadon't hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, coz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack. Nothing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon,and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a route march. Geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.

I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year. All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target and its a piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.

Sometimes you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoons got and I've only been
beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers, he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringing wet. But I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.I can't complain about the Army. Tell the boys to get
in quick before word gets around how bloody good it
is.


Your loving daughter,
Sharon



:lol:

[Daishi]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

:lol:

[GunsnArmor]

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'

How many men does it take to open a can of bear? None. It should be open when the woman gives it to you.

Q: What does it mean when your wife serves you breakfast in bed? A: You made her chain too long!

[wargrudge]

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back,
flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from
burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set
about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest
fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a
diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters,
seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and
then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the
fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the
handlebars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the
motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the
crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio
door.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived
on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to
the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance
arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife
uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was
treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became
despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the
toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped
it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was
in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She
ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers
had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of
his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same
paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband onto the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the
wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down
the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STILL HAVING A BAD DAY?

Just remember, it could be worse.....

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $8,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer
whale ate them both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in
order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her
mentally retarded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically
with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him
with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking
his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to
his Walkman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of
them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
hapless protesters to death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally.......

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another version:

Deep thoughts....by Jack Handey


The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

You're not.

He has a date coming over today.

But you have the only ass.

Feel better now?


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another one:

Are ya havin' a Bad Day????

Well, then, consider this...............................

In a hospital ' s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in
the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all
of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to
see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy
objects to ward off the evil spirits.


Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

[Daishi]

Capital jokes, WG. :rofl:

[Statalyzer]

STILL HAVING A BAD DAY?

Just remember, it could be worse.....

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $8,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer
whale ate them both.

Priceless.

[Derek]

I was just on Youtube when I got an error message:

500 Internal Server Error
Sorry, something went wrong.

A team of highly trained monkeys has been dispatched to deal with this situation. In any case, please report this incident to customer service.


Best error message I've ever seen. :lol:

[wargrudge]

That error's been popping up all day. :(

[Massacure]

BUSH GOES TO HELL

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

I don't know what to do, said the devil. "You are on my list but I dont have a vacant room for you. There are no vacancies, but you definitely have to stay. This is what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'm going to let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who you want to replace." George thought that sounded pretty darn good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room. There was Richard Nixon and a large swimming pool. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said, I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room and opened the door. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. Tony was just swinging that sledgehammer, smashing rocks, again and again and again. "No! said George. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day!" he explained.

So the devil opened the door to the third room And there was Bill Clinton, lying naked on the floor on his back, his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked wide apart, spread-eagle. And there was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she did best, over and over and over.George gazed in disbelief, and finally said with a smirk, "Yeah, I can handle this!"

The devil smiled and called out, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

:rofl:

[dimitriat]

Call of duty what u didn't see
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAkuxb6-gS8

[kwark]

3 boys are at a pharmacy:
1st boy steps to the counter and asks: "I eehhm.... I need a condom..." the girl behind the counter asks: "don't need to be shy, what size are you?" The boys head turns read and asks: "s..s...size? I don't know, this is my first time.." In wich the girl reacts: "don't worry just left me see it" The does what she asked and opens his pants, the girl rubs it a few times and calls to the back: "one pack of size 34!", The boy pays and leaves.
The 2nd boy has the same story, so opens his pants, she rubs it and calls to the back: "one pack of size 37!"The boy pays and leaves.
The 3d again needs condoms, opens his pants she rubs it a few times and calls to the back: "One towel"



A boy walks into a pharmacist store, waits his turn, and asks to the pharmacist: "I have a girlfriend and tonight I'm going to eat over and meet her parents for the first time, but I'm feeling lucky so I'd need a condom." The pharmsist goes to the back, helps the boy out and the boy walks away.... At the door the boy turns around and says to the pharmasist: "I've heard My girlfriend has a sister, and since I'm feeling so lucky I might need a 2nd one" Again the pharmacist gives him what he needs and the boy walks to the door. At the door he again turns around and says: "Ive also heard my girlfriends mother is in her 40's but still hot, and I'm feeling very lucky, so I even might need a 3d one. The boy is helped and he leaves the store. That evening the boy has dinner, but is extremely quiet and his girlfriend asks him: why are you so quiet, you're usually not like this" In wich the boy answers: "you at least could of told me you father was a pharmacist"
:evil:

[Yorkie]

Since I always post a joke when I return I guess now shouldn't be any different so here goes, probably already heard em since this thread is HUGE but anyway

The Best Dog Story

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Tescos and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?)... (here's your sign)...On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled
with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why I ended up in the hospital. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.


A man was not really happy about his manhood...
it was actually too long.......50cm long.
He did not know what to do and went to a witch to ask for advice.
The witch thought for a long time before she said:

"Walk into the forest and you will meet a frog.
Ask the frog if it wants marry you.
If it says "no" your manhood will shrink by 10cm,
but if it says "yes" it will grow 10cm so the risk is yours."

The man thought about this for a while but decided it was worth the risk.
He walked into the forest, found the frog and asked it:
"Will you marry me little frog?"
"No", said the frog.

The man ran home and measured his manhood.
Happily he found that it had shrunk down to 40cm.
The man was so excited about the results,
that he ran back into the forest and asked the frog again.
"Will you marry me little frog?"
"No", said the frog.

The man ran home and measured his manhood.
Again he found that it had shrunk 10cm down to 30cm.

The man was thinking, "hmmm 20cm, now that would be the perfect size"
and ran back into the forest.
He met the frog again and asked him again
"Will you marry me little frog?"
The frog answered him:
"Goodness, what is wrong with you?
I already told you:
NO!
NO!

NO!

:wave: :evil:


A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

One of the bank's employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. while you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 ?"

The Chinese man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


:D

[Nilsog]

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back,
flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from
burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set
about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest
fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a
diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters,
seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and
then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the
fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.

This is an urban legend, not true.

[wthigon]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit...third gay rooster I bought this month."