The Toxic Waste Dump II

[Toxic10x]

Well, I figured I wouldn't want a little thing like a forum crash stopping my thread, so I'm bringing it back- and now I get to make it look classy by having a roman numeral next to it :D
Once again, this is the dumping ground for all your amusing jokes, anecdotes, pics, flash vids, and whatever else probably doesnt warrant its own thread :p

I'll kick 'er off-

When a woman requested a whole roaster from the butcher, he didnt let on that the bird he presented her was the last one.
"Do you have one that's a little larger?" she asked.
"Of course," said the butcher. He took the roaster behind the counter away from view, and made a lot of noise rolling it around the ice, as if he was searching for just the right chicken. He then showed the same bird to her.
"Better," she said. "Do you have one with a little more meat on it?" He took the chicken, rolled it in the ice, and offered it up a third time.
"Great!" the woman said. " I'll take all three" :eek: :lol:

[meselfs]

http://www.somethingawful.com/jeffk/muchbettarthanpa/comic-01.gif

[Plancii]

So its back...
I think this should be stickied...
Ill contribute next time.

BTW welcome back, Tixie. :p

Edit: Here...

ODD SIGNS
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE: 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG, 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.
NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND.
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH, BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT:
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE!
I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

:D

[papsarmy]

ahhh! Great!!

Sticky! :p

[Andra]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/ghosts.html

A good one from ebaums :p

[Apache_Longbow]

A man finds a genie, who tells him he will grant one wish. The man says "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

The genie pointed his finger at the man, and he turned him into a toilet seat :D

Good to see a quality thread return. :)

[Spider786]

YuP :p



ok here's mine : (take no offence pple)

there was a fire in a high rise building there were 3 women stuck on the third floor : a brunette,red head and a blonde, then 4 guys came along with a tramoline, they said to the women :' jump off and we'll catch you', so the brunette jumped off, the guys moved away and ....., then they said to the red head quick the fire's coming closer jump, she said i don't trust you, they said don't worry we'll catch you, they didn't, so only the blonde was left, she said i don't think you'll catch me, move away and i'll jump :rolleyes:

:evil:

[Yorkie]

WooHoo its back :D will go get all my stuff that i have been storing and post it later :)

[Massacure]

There is a red head, a brunette, and a blond stuck on an island. They find a magic lamp with a genie in it. The genie gives them 3 wishes, so they split the wishes one each.

The red head goes first and asks for a boat to get off the island. A cloud of smoke goes up and there is a boat. The readhead leaves.

The brunette asks for a helicopter to get back to land. A cloud of smoke goes up and there a helicopter is, waiting for her. She leaves.

The blond says "I'm kind of lonely. I wish the other 2 came back." A cloud of smoke goes up, and they are back on the island!

[Nyerguds]

Wewt... I still got a blonde joke lying around :p

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde"....
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

:p

[Aurorae]

Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."
____________________________________________________________
What's grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.

What's even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.

_____________________________________________________________

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

________________________________________________________________
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

[MaXiMuZZZ]

I hold your hand whenever I can
Yet I feel I haven't held it enough
I kiss you every chance I get
Yet I feel I'm always short one kiss
I hug you with all of me
Yet I feel I can’t get close enough to you
I look into your eyes
Yet I feel I don’t see you enough
I float on the warmth of your heart
Yet I sink deeper into it everyday
I feel so lost in your love
Yet I know this is where I want to be


And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way.
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break,
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you

[Gee]

Theres a irish man a english man and a scotish man in a plane, for some reason, the planess engines stop and they crash land on an island. they start walking around for a while and the stotish man says "look a sign".
the sign says "cannibal island beware". so they start walking around a bit more and they see some people sitting around and decide to go over to check it out.
a whole group of cannibals just up and grabs them, they say to the 3 men,
"each of you must go out and find 10 fruits all the same and bring them back to us"
so the english man go's off and about an hour later he comes back, hes got 10 apples. the cannibals say to him "if you can shuve them all up your a.ss with out making a sound we will let you go". so he says ok, he gets to about 3 and shotus out in pain. he got eaten.
about 15 minutes later the stotish man comes back with 10 peaches, they say the same to him, so off he went and he got the 9th one and suddenly, he burst out laughing rolling around on the floor, he got eaten too,
when he gets to heaven the english man says "why did you start laughing you could of made it off that island" and he replies "i saw the irish guy walking back with 10 pineapples

[Aurorae]

EDIT: Sorry Weird double post. Delete me please :hyper:

[Aurorae]

An Englishman, an Irish man and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, you think one of them would have seen it :ashamed:

An Englishman, an Irish man and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, the Bartender says:

What the hell is this, some kinda joke?

[GILLY]

if cats always land on their feet, and toast always lands butter side down, what happens if you strap a piece of toast to the back of a cat??

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

:beer: :beer: :beer:

[Gee]

a blonde walks into a shop and says to the man behind the counter, "can i have that tv please, the man says no we dont serve blonde's in here.
she goes home and dyes her hair brown, she goes back to the shop and says can i have that tv please, she get the same answer again. she goes home and dyes it black, goes back to the shop and says can i have that tv please, she gets the same answer yet again so she says "how the he.ll do you know im blonde", the man says thats not a tv thats a microwave.
__________________________________________________________________

what do you do if an irish guy chucks a grenade at you?

pull the pin out and throw it back.
__________________________________________________________________

tony blair, david beckham, the pope and a little kid in a aeroplane, the plane comes under fire and they all have to bail but theres only 3 parachutes.
tony blair say well i have to go because im the prime minister so he grabs a parachute and off he goes, beckham say well i have to go im a profesianal footballer so he grabs one and off he goes, the pope says to the kid, you take the last chute i've had my life you go on and take it, the kids says no need beckham took my satual.

[Andra]

Gee, you try to make fun of other people's intelligence yet your posts are barely legible. I mean "took my satual", do you spell everything phonetically?

[GILLY]

3 men crash land in the sea, and swim for ages untill they find a desert island. they clamber onto the shore, but only to be caught by the natives. the cheif says to them
"you 3 may have one last wish, then we will kill you and use your skin to make canoes"
he turns to the first one, who says "ill have a brilliant dinner, with all the trimmings". it is done, and he is killed. the cheif turns to the next one, who says "id like an hour with 3 beutiful women". it is done, and he is killed. he turns to the last one, who simply says,"id like a fork"
he takes it and starts stabbing himself allover, screaming" you aint making a canoe outta me!!!"

what was the last thing that went through the flys mind as he hit the car windscreen??
his ass.....

[Gee]

OK i wont post in here any more then.
and i thought thats how you spell it, thats how i saw it writen anyway

i dont even know what a fuc.king "satual" is i was told its some sort of bag.

[Andra]

It's a satchel, a seldom used old school type of bag. No need for the hostility :p

[Plancii]

Hey, Im back...


A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays. :p

[Andra]

How many penguins does it take to build a lighthouse?

None, alligators don't fly.

don't ask...:p

[Plancii]

A Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

:D :p

[SW Freak]

Decartes walks into a bar. The barman says "Do you want a beer?"
Decartes says "I think not." and dissapears.

Heisinburg(sp?) was driving really fast down the road. He gets pulled over.
Policeman:Son, do you know how fast you were going?
Heisinburg: No, but I know where I am.
If you don't get it, don't ask. Just take a course in phsics and philosophy.

There is a new rule in hevan. Only one third of all applicants can get in and only the ones who had died the worst death. These three guys show up at the pearly gates so Peter explains the rules to them.
First guy "I'd been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for a while now so I came home to my flat early and started looking around for the filthy little bugger and then I saw that he was hanging off the balcony so I stomped on his hands but he wouldn't fall. Then I smashed his fingers with a hammer. That time he fell but when he hit the ground seven stories down he wasn't dead. So I got the fridge and I dropped it on him. Then I was so ashamed of what I had done that I went back inside and shot myself."
Then the second guy came in. He hadn't heard the first guy.
Second guy: Well, I was doing my afternoon exercises on the balcony of my eight floor flat when all of a sudden I slipped and fell over the edge. Luckely I managed to grabbed onto the seventh floor balcony just in time. Then this crazy guy ran out and started stomping on my hands and smashing my fingers with a hammer until I fell. However, I somehow survived the fall. So I'm just lying there in agony when I look up and see this huge fridge falling towards me. And then I died.
The third guy walked in, oblivious to all that had been said before.
Third guy: Now, imagen this, you're hiding in a fridge...

[GILLY]

that last one was very good swfreak!! :p

SIGNS YOU ARE TOO DRUNK!

1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with your drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) You fall off the floor...
13.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
16.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
21.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.

[Plancii]

The bomb and the pilot

3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.

:D

[Yorkie]

:lol: they are good, now here's mine :D

Blonde Joke - Painting the Porch
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided
to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd
jobs as a handy woman. At the first house she came to, a man answered
the door and said to her, "Yes, I have a job for you. How would you
like to paint the porch?" 'Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. 'Well,
how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is £20 alright?"
Julie asked. 'Yes, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need
in the garage." The man went back into his house. His wife, who had
been listening, said to him: '£20! Does she know the porch goes all the
way around the house?" 'Well she must, she was standing right on it!"
her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.
'I'm all finished' she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah' Julie replied, "I even had some
paint left, so I put on two coats!" he man reached into his wallet to
pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie That's not a porch, it's a
Ferrari."


The Lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?
", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man
replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with
two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said
to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the
second man answered. "Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The
lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet
tall."


Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight
Wife: Okay. But if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on

:D

[Plancii]

The 2nd one's hilarious :lol:

The newlyweds

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.

That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!

:evil:

[Yorkie]

:lol: Very good Plancii

I have some more too :D

Mary Poppins
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him what? wait for it
A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.


Then there is the story of the Italian woman from the Bronx, eight
months pregnant,who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes
in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her
coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and
her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. "My brother is such an
idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter's name?" When
the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and
perhaps her brother wasn't quite the idiot she feared."And what is my
son's name?", she inquired. The nurse answered "Denephew".


Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an
engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were
sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the execution arrived, and
the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to
the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head
up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade-
-and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law
stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner
had to be released, so the doctor was set free. Then the chemist was
led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade-
-and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck.Well, the law stated that
if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be
released, so the chemist was set free. Finally the engineer was led up
to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" "Head up." "Blindfold or no
blindfold?" "No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope,
the engineer yelled out: "WAIT! I see what the problem is!".


Memory School
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they
have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having
problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from
his wife. At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very
good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Max
replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I
haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?"
Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with
thorns? A really pretty flower...?" "A rose?" "Yeah...that's it!" Max
turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that
memory school you sent me to?"

There were women waiting to be executed. A redhead, a brunette, and a
blonde. It was an old-fashioned execution. Of course, these women
didn't want to die, so they needed a plan. The redhead said, "I have an
idea... follow my lead." So, when it was time for the redhead's
execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a
wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Ok
then... we're set. Ready.... aim...." "TORNADO!" the she yelled out,
pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped! The brunette
and blonde saw this. So, when it was time for the brunette's execution,
the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do
you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Ok then...
we're set. Ready.... aim...." "FLOOD!" the brunette yelled out,
pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too! Now the
blonde understood this. So, when it was time for the blonde's
execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a
wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Ok
then... we're set. Ready.... aim...." "FIRE!"


:D

[Wrecking Crew]

Its good to see this thread is back. Some very good jokes to bring a smile to my face. Here is my humble contribution.



Did you ever wonder?



Did you ever stop and wonder ......





Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"





Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there ... I'm gonna eat

the next thing that comes out of its bum."





Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?





Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?





If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?





Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?





If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?





Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their groin when they ask where the bathroom is?





Why does your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?





Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? Why does Goofy wear clothes, but Pluto doesn't? They're both dogs!





What do you call male ballerinas?





Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?





If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?





If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?





If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?





If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?





Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?





Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?





Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .





Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?





Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?





Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?





Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?











A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly

dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars

for dinner.



The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give

you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"



"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.



"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.



"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get

just to stay alive."



"Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the

man asked.



"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20

years!"



"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of

food?"

the man asked.



"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man





"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm

going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."



The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for

doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."



The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like

who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.









:evil:

[SW Freak]

Yah, Wreck's back.

Anyway, two blonds were walking down the street when they find a compact mirrior. The first blond picks it up and looks at it.
"Hmm, that person looks familiar." She says.
The second blond takes it, looks at it and laughs.
"You idiot, that's me!"

Two pretzels(sp?) were walking down the street. One was asalted.

Murphy's combat laws(Courtisey of the half life: opposing force manual)
1.You are not a supeman.
2.If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
3.Don't look conspicuous-it draws fire.
4.When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
6.Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
7.If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
8.Now plan survives the first contact intact.
9.All 5 second fuses burn down in 3 seconds.
10.try to look unimpotant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
11.If you are forward of your position , the artillary will fall short.
12.The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
13.The important things are always simple.
14.The simple things are always hard.
15.The easy way is always mined.
16.If you are short of everything except for enemy, you are in combat.
17.When you have secured the area don't forget to tell the enemy.
18.Incoming fire has the right of war.
19.Freindly fire isn't.
20.If the enemy is in range-SO ARE YOU!
21.No combat ready unit has every passed inspection.
22.Things that must be together to work usualy can't be shipped together.
23.Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperatly.
24.Anything you do can get you shot-including doing nothing.
25.Tracers work both way.
26.The only thing more accurat than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
27.Make it though for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
28.If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you'll have more than you fair share of objectives to take.
29.When both side are cinvinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
30.Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of amateurs.
31.Never trust a grunt.(I added this one.)
32.Murphy was a grunt.

[Plancii]

Teh Fadda ia back...hola...WC...


The king's daughter

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?

















They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?) :p

[Yorkie]

:lol: copied/pasted and sent on to work :D

:hyper: ok calm now, they were all quality and welcome back to the dump Wreck :)

ok now for my offerings for today

Little Johnny

little Johnny was in his kindergarten class when the teacher asked the children what there fathers did for living. all the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men."

the teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little aside to ask him "is that really true about your father working in a gay strip club?"

"no " said Johnny, "he really plays test cricket for England but I was too embarrassed to say."





Two men were downtown in a small Oklahoma town one Saturday morning, and as they were walking along, one of them asked the other, " Joe, do you see that old Indian coming towards us?

Joe said, "yes, I see him."

His friend said, "That old Indian has the best memory in the world, he never forgets anything."

Joe said, Aw, I don't believe that."

His friend told him, "when he gets up to us, ask him what he had for breakfast last Wednesday."

so when the old Indian got near them on the sidewalk, and Joe asked, " Hey old man, what did you have for your breakfast last Wednesday?"

The old Indian immediately said, "eggs."

Joe's friend said "see what I mean? he never forgets anything."

Joe said, "aw heck, that doesn't prove anything. he probably has eggs every morning for breakfast."

A couple of weeks later, Joes company transferred him to another state, and he did not get back for 15 years. then, he was transferred back to his home town. A couple of days after he got back, he was downtown and who should he see walking towards him, but the old Indian. the old Indian still looked the same as he did 15 years ago when Joe last saw him.

Joe remembered what his friend had said about the old Indian never forgetting anything, so when the old Indian got close to him, Joe threw up his hand in the typical Indian greeting and said, "how, chief."

the Indian looked at Joe and said, "scrambled."


How many can you see?
This is a test. But a fun test! be honest people, don't cheat. this is cool!!

READ this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again. Then see below...

Answer below (scroll down) ...
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
:clear:
ANSWER
There are six F's in the sentence.

One of average intelligence finds three of them.
If you spotted four, you're above average.
If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The human brain
tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".


:D

[SW Freak]

Looking around in a store the other day and I saw a bunch of t-shirts for men with various things written on them. Here are a few of them.

Dry skin? Great legs!
Free hand lotion When do they open?
||
\/
(Pump here)
/\
||
The man
The legend
||
\/
My idea of a balanced diet is a BEER
in each hand. It's not a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a sex machine!

BTW, has anyone here heard of red vs. blue? It is so funny, IMNSHO. You can get them at www.redvsblue.com. Then go to the Blood Gulch chronicles section. Get the trailer first. If you think that's funny watch the rest. They are all down with in Halo on the Xbox. You should watch it.

[Toxic10x]

gee yorkie, that thing w/ the "F's" is crazy- i normally just go through those things pretty fast, but this time i went through it very carefully, convinced that I'd catch everything, and alas! I failed w/ flying colors! crazyness i say! :dizzy:

[Andra]

Dammit, I had to read it three times before I saw the 6th, got 5 first time through o.0

[Plancii]

lol@Andra...the genius failed Yorkie's test this time... :D





At least im average, i got 3. /slaps self.


Edit: Heres...

Teh Army's Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,

"What's the camel for?".

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.

:D

[Dark_Knite]

You've probably all seen this before, but anyway look at the sig

[Andra]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking
Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

:D

[Yorkie]

gee yorkie, that thing w/ the "F's" is crazy- i normally just go through those things pretty fast, but this time i went through it very carefully, convinced that I'd catch everything, and alas! I failed w/ flying colors! crazyness i say! :dizzy:

:D I did the same, i went through it really slowly and still falied only saw 3 :lol:

Well done Andra for spotting 5, I will have to go find some more teasers :D

THE THREE BEARS

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you two idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first; it was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house; it was Momma Bear who made the coffee; it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away; it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper; it was Momma Bear who set the damn table; it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to finally drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

[Toxic10x]

..nothing worse than the wrath of an angry momma bear :scared:


-woah, new smiley- ":dismay:" Wait a minute! Mr. Beer drinkin smiley is gone! :( ....er, wait, he's just not on the list anymore for some reason... well, whatever :beer:

[SW Freak]

The oldest streaker in New York(80) was thinking of retiring but he decided to stick it out for another year.

One day this guy's home got raided by the police, who immediatly checked his shed, clearing everything out of the way in their search for drugs. They found none and left. Then the guy rang his friend and said "Right, the sheds all tidyed up now." And his friend replied "Great, now it's your turn. I need the lawn mowed."

[Alucard]

This one is for everyone, espacially for Lion. :rofl: :D


How do the man is planning the mariage?
http://www.humour.com/affiche/mariage_avant.jpg

...but there is teh reality..

http://www.humour.com/affiche/apres_mariage.jpg

[Plancii]

BILL GATES GOES TO HEAVEN

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

[Chuckie]

How many Internet Forum Posters (pick a forum... any forum...) does it take
to change a light bulb?:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb."
6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct.
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum.
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique
and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
40 posters who don't believe in light bulbs at all and instead post links to
pseudo-scientific sites that claim alternate theories of light production.
12 to point out that there is no right to light in the US Constitution.
4 to post that all the tech support for changing light bulbs is being
outsourced to India.
1 post showing a picture of a light bulb and a picture of someone who
resembles a light bulb.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's.
1 poster that has converted all his light bulbs to florescents, so he very
rarely has to change them.
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ."
13 to tell you candles should be in all well-prepared households in the
event of a lightbulb burnout.
5 postings that say they do not use light bulbs...only candles.
1 to mention the "lite" bulb is made of low-fat cheese.
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs."
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again.

[Artificial Idiot]

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either, because I fall
much faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.


My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine/feline
attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is to kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' butts. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following
message on our front door: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About My Pets:

1. They live here. You don't!

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends, and don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about buying the latest fashions, won't wear your clothes, will never need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant...you can sell the
results.

[Freek]

http://www.egmmag.com/article2/1,4364,1338730,00.asp

:lol:

[Yorkie]

Love At First Sight

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. ''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''

''No, she replied.....You just happened to catch my eye!''

:D

[SW Freak]

A sinner's soul.
Black as night,
Dark as fear,
Rife with chaos,
Punisment is near.

We are only what we are and we should not try to be that which we aren't.

When you know true love, you know true life.

Fear. Spreading it's silent evil through the world. Fear. Holding us captive in our minds. Fear. Making us prisoners of ourselves. Once we can escape our fears we will truly be free.

To see the world as it should be is the same as looking at the world through closed eyes.

Why?
Why do we torture the world?
Why do we wound the Earth?
Why do we sear the sky and poison the waters?
Why?

Sorry. I'm feeling serious tonight.

[Freek]

Game Scene Investigations (http://www.gamespy.com/fargo/november03/gsi/index.shtml)

I bet you've killed allot of people in games, but how do you think the police deal with that? Takes a special touch to deal with videogame murder. ;)


The fine art of digital photo retouching, http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/digital.html , be warned though some of those "before and after" shots are horrific. :lol:

[Plancii]

THE GEOTHERMICS OF HELL

Who says religion and science aren't compatible???

The following is an actual question posed on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.

[Toxic10x]

That's true genius- he earned that "A" :) Btw Freek, your link to the article about those kids playing old games is great :D

[Chuckie]

This is a true story.....or so I've been told....

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of airplanes, military jets, and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's
backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists
for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

[Chuckie]

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."
____________________________________
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
____________________________________
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
____________________________________
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
____________________________________
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
____________________________________
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
____________________________________
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."
____________________________________
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."
____________________________________
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
____________________________________
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."
____________________________________
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
____________________________________
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach,
I don't know and I don't care.'"
____________________________________
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."
____________________________________
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[Chuckie]

While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding
along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' good."

Indian is shocked...

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian has a look of total
disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?"

Horse: "Good."

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" indicating the Indian again.

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain." Indian
stares in utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep is liar."

[landry38]

a 13 year old girl recently had a baby in New York. The story touched Bill Clinton so much that he organized a press confrence in which he said one line: "I did not have sexual relations witht that woman!"

[Plancii]

LMAO@Chuckie and Landry..

Condom Emergency

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one." :p

[MaXiMuZZZ]

LOL@landry!

Max Payne: "you come to amidst the wreckage of your own making. do you stay there, eyes squeezed shut, afraid to move, bleeding to death? or do you crawl out, help your loved ones, make sure the fire doesn´t spread, trying to fix it?"

[Plancii]

The mind is a terrible thing to waste

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
:p

[Massacure]

Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."







Genie and the Taliban
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

[Plancii]

First Date

I had been talking to a girl on one of those online dating sites for a few weeks, and we decided to meet for the first time one day for lunch. We were eating a popular noodle bowl place, and being the first time we've met in person, I was a little nervous.

I took a big bite of noodles with a chunk of chicken, chewed quickly, and swallowed... a little too quick. I felt the piece of chicken sloooowly creep down my throat and then just stopped. I could still breathe, but I felt a massive piece of chicken lodged in my throat, about halfway down.

I started gagging, naturally, but nothing would come up. I took a drink of my coke to try and wash it down, but I soon realized that nothing would go down, either. I was spewing mucous and chunks of noodle all over the place, still gagging and convulsing the whole time. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, and tried unsuccessfully to heave the chicken out of my throat.

I couldn't eat or drink anything, because my throat was completely clogged. I went back to the table and this poor girl was just sitting there staring at me with a kinda disgusted look on her face. Thank goodness I could breathe still, but my throat was in a lot of pain and constantly contracting, trying to get the chicken to go either up or down.

After a few more minutes, I just got up and left, got in my car, and went straight to the Emergency Room. I ended up sitting in the hospital for 6 hours with a piece of chicken in my throat. Finally, they shoved a scope down my throat and pushed it into my stomach.

Needless to say, I never saw or spoke to the girl again. I was so embarrassed. :p

[Ash]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is:


Who was the survivor?


Scroll down for the answer...





The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.


Men keep'a scrollin'...





So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen, either.

[landry38]

teh real joke thread.

accept no imitations!!! :p

[Freek]

Pica Towers (http://www.studioaka.co.uk/picas/frame1.html)

Really funny stuff, but it does require a sick sense of humor to be enjoyable. :evil:

[Massacure]

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

:D

[Plancii]

THE SUSPICIOUS ARAB

Yesterday I was on the Underground travelling on the District line.
A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful to me and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of banknotes. He offered me a reward, but I refused.
So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness, Sir, but I will try to leave you with a word of advice. Stay away from Aberdeen Steak Houses."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" I whispered.
"No." he whispered back "The food is **** and the dessert selection extremely limited."
:p

[Yorkie]

Deffinitions :D

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all the channels every 5 minutes.

and lastly of course a joke :)

A woman whose hubby works in Saudi finds out that he's having an affair. she sends him his monthly recording of corrie and his favourite home made biscuits. He invites his mates round and they all settle for a night of corrie and his wife's delicious biccies. halfway though the tape (when all the biscuits are finished!) it cuts to a home video of the guy's wife giving his best friend a blow job. she then spits out into a bowl of biscuit dough and says " hoped you liked your biscuits darling!'

[Statalyzer]

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height."

Actually it was Casey Stengel (NY Yankees manager I believe) who said that.

----------------------------------------------------------
A 75 year old man in Arkansas gets married to his 25 year old grandniece (because that's the kind of marriages that take place in that state). He's very excited at the prospect of finally becoming a father, but his doctor tells him there isn't a chance at his age. But a few months later he's back in the office for a check up and says "Doc, you was wrong. My wife she's gonna have a baby!
"Let me tell you a story" the doctor says "A forgetful man went out to go big-game hunting, but brought along an umbrella instead of a gun. A lion charged, and he pointed his umbrella, fired, and killed the lion on the spot."
"That's impossible," said the old man "Somebody else shot from the side!"
"Exactly."

----------------------------------------------------------
Three guys with elephantitis (sp) are arguing over whose you-know-what is the longest. So they all go out to an old park, which is now empty since its being torn down, and sit down on an old rusty bench. One of them volunteers to go first and pulls down his pants and it rolls out halfway across the field. The second guys does the same and it rolls all the way almost to the edge of the park. The third one says "Alright, mine's really long, so you guys have to promise not to laugh." They promise, and his goes past the park perimeter and rolls across the nearby street. The other two start laughing hysterically and the guy says "You promised not to laugh at how long mine is!"
"We aren't laughing at that." says the first through his giggling.
"Yeah," says the second, pointing to the street "steamroller."

----------------------------------------------------------
A guys finds a bottle and rubs it and a genie appears. The man asks if he gets three wishes. "Nope, only one" says the genie.
"Alright then," says the man, "How about a bridge so I can drive from California to Hawaii and back instead of having to..."
"Woah! Hold on a second!" interrupts the genie "Do you realize how difficult that is? All the enormous concrete supports, all strong enough to survive earthquakes. All the rerouting of ocean vessels around the bridge. Well, we could make it high off the ground, but it would still take enormous amounts of electricity to power all the lights it would take to keep it lit up at night so ships wouldn't crash into it, and..."
"In that case," the man says "How about just make me able to understand what women are feeling, what they really want."
"Hmmm...how many lanes did you want that bridge to be?"

----------------------------------------------------------
A man finds a genie bottle, summons the genie, and says "I want a job that no man has succeeded at, or even been able to make a decent attempt at!"
"Poof," says the genie, "you're a housewife."

----------------------------------------------------------
A Texan, a Mexican, and an Oklahoman are running from the police through the mountains when they come to an cliff with a river far below - dead end. They see a sign warning people that the cliff is magical and will transform people into whatever they wish if they jump. They can hear the police coming and the Mexican says "I'll do anything to avoid being caught" and jumps off and yells "Fish", so he turns into a fish, lands in the river, and swims away. The Texan thinks that's a good idea, so he jumps off and shouts "Eagle", so he turns into an eagle and flys away. The Oklahoman is trying to decide if turning into something different is worth it, when the police come up beind him "Put your hands up!" they tell him. It startles him and he trips off the cliff and screams "Oh $h1t".

[Yorkie]

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but, please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked,
"You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,


"You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed
anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

:D

[SW Freak]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, the only hard part is getting them into the ligth bulb in the first place.

Evil soldier #347: Don't you ever smile. This is so awkward. How about if I tell a joke. How many elves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Plum: You do realise that I'm an elf, don't you?
Evil soldier #347: Okay, just got a lot more awkward.
(From a really old strip from RPGworld, a really funny web comic in my opinion. It's at www.rpgworldcomic.com)

[Freek]

When the boundries between game and real life cave in (http://www.gaming-age.com/cgi-bin/specials/special.pl?spec=xboxliveday&pagenum=1)

:lol:

[Plancii]

THE PARATROOPER

A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved." The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him. He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.
:p

[Spider786]

:rofl: gr8 one mass :rofl: (if u j00bs dono wa im on about goback a bit)

[Ash]

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, ''What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!''

The guy answers, ''My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.''

''Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here.''

[Freek]

When movies and games go medievil (http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1817)
:lol:

[Plancii]

VALUABLE LESSONS FROM OUR PARENTS

All the things my mother taught me:
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
FLEXIBILITY - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!"

What my father taught me:
LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."
OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

[Andra]

Warning: May offend some n00bs :p




What's the best thing about sex with twenty seven year olds?

There's twenty of them.

[Toxic10x]

hehe, that one's probably best spoken andra :p

[Wrecking Crew]

A mother and her son were flying QANTAS from Perth to Sydney. The son, who
had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said "Yes she did".
"Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you..."





A man boards a plane and takes his seat. He glances up and sees the most gorgeous woman boarding the aircraft. He soon realizes that she is heading straight towards him. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him as lo and behold the woman takes the seat right next to him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

"Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago", she states.

What!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!. Struggling to remain outwardly cool, he asks, "And what is your role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says, "I use my experiences to debunk the popular myths about sex"

"Really?", he says, swallowing hard, "and what myths are those?

" Well, one popular myth is that African Americans are the most well endowed, when in fact it is the Native American. Another is that French men are considered the best lovers, when in fact it is Greek
men who are the best in bed". Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says, " here's me talking about sex and I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", says the man, extending his hand, "Tonto Papadopoulos".





Useful tips for telling if you're too drunk at a party!


You lose arguments with objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your Job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.


Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

You sincerely believe alcohol to be the 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now that's a drinking problem!


You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You fall off the floor...


Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think Three Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, and Alcohol.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That pink elephant followed you home again.

You're as jober as a sudge.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

and last but not least...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops! :evil:
--------------------------------------------------------

[Freek]

The Story of Thanksgiving (for Gamers)

Our story starts in Europe, where they make all the fast cars depicted in Project Gotham. There, a group of people known as "The Puritans" lived -- they were very much like a clan or an EverQuest guild, with the key distinction that they voluntarily didn't have sex. Sadly, in Europe, the Puritans couldn't practice their religion without getting walloped. It was a lot like trying to play a serious game on a server full of teamkillers.

So they renamed themselves to the politically correct "Pilgrims" and all boarded a ship called the Mayflower, named after the delicious bread. They traveled across the Atlantic ocean in a long, arduous journey that lasted longer than it takes the players in an eight-way game of WarCraft III to ready up.

Several things brought them to New England, aside from the easy-to-remember name and the promise of good clam chowder. You see, in Europe, all of the witches had already been throttled, but in America (or as it was then called, "Graceland,") the place was crawling with witches. It was like an episode of Buffy waiting to explode.

In 1621, they finally landed in what would become known as the East Siiiiiide. Sadly, during the journey the Pilgrims had run out of food due to the disastrous decision to bring along John Madden.

http://www.gamespy.com/fargo/november03/thanksgiving/pilgrims.jpg
The Pilgrims hoped the move would lower their pings.

Fortunately, they were aided by the Native Americans, who in return for their noble aid later became a Kansas City football team. For the Natives, it was a lot like twinking up some clueless newbs in an online RPG. Unfortunately, it was a lot like twinking a newb and then two weeks later you log in to find that he's been playing 24 hours a day and now has an uber-character who takes all your lewt. And puts you in Oklahoma. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The Pilgrims, together with John Wayne, had a great feast and began the time-honored American tradition of stuffing yourself until something ruptures, then feeling bad about yourself because of the celebrities on TV, and finally spending a lot of money on a book about the Atkins diet.

Then they divided up into groups of four to play EA Sports Madden Football 1621, which is similar to the Madden football of today except instead of being a video game it involved eating ham.

http://www.gamespy.com/fargo/november03/thanksgiving/

It all makes sense now.

[Plancii]

Tonto Papadoupoulos...damn funny :D

The old man is on its feet again...WB

[Freek]

Why the casual gamer needs to be educated:
http://www.gaming-age.com/cgi-bin/specials/special.pl?spec=spiketv&pagenum=1


Or perhaps killed? Along with the media covering games :rolleyes:
Killing is good, right? Pff, and they say games make you violent.

[Toxic10x]

good finds freek ;)

Kinda dissapointing about the awards show- i was kinda looking forward to it (tho I didn't really expect much).

[Andra]

http://rosemary.mwc.edu/~cdrye3wh/hw2002.jpg

http://rosemary.mwc.edu/~cdrye3wh/2003.jpg

DBZ Sucks (http://starterupsteve.servepics.com:60000/swf/dbz.html)

[Massacure]

Asleep at Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.




Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."




Jackass

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news

[Toxic10x]

That jackass one is one of my all time favorites :lol:

[Statalyzer]

That reminds me...

In the days before the US invaded Iraq, Saddam realizes that if he pretends to show concern for the people of his country, it might soften public opinion of him in America. So, when his limousine runs over a donkey wandering across the road, he sends his driver to go apologize for killing the animal. His driver comes back a few minutes later loaded with bread, almonds, pistachios, all kinds of food and gifts. "What did they reward you for?" asked Saddam. "I dunno", shrugged the driver, "All I said was 'I'm Saddam Hussein's driver, and I've just killed the jackass' and they celebrated and gave me all this stuff."

[Freek]

The good, the bad, the ugly and the downright scary!

http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/


Warning can cause nightmares!

[Wrecking Crew]

A certain member here, (not me :D ), received an e-mail response after shopping on line at www.nookyshop.com (http://www.nookyshop.com).

"Dear sir, thank you for your order and your obvious interest in our line of products. We regret that the large red vibrator you chose is not available for sale. Its our fire extinquisher! Please choose another item and re-order."

:evil:

[wthigon]

i found this yesterday while looking for poems. :hyper:

it cool im my opinion no one get offended ok.



My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.

I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame.

All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow.....

- unknown

[Freek]

A certain member here, (not me :D ), received an e-mail response after shopping on line at www.nookyshop.com (http://www.nookyshop.com).

"Dear sir, thank you for your order and your obvious interest in our line of products. We regret that the large red vibrator you chose is not available for sale. Its our fire extinquisher! Please choose another item and re-order."

:evil:
Moderators linking to explicite websites? Geuse you've got to ban yourself now! :p

good finds freek ;)

Kinda dissapointing about the awards show- i was kinda looking forward to it (tho I didn't really expect much).
http://www.gaming-age.com/cgi-bin/specials/special.pl?spec=spiketv2&pagenum=1


Thankfully I live on the other side of the big blue thingy and was spared this particluar form of "chinese TV torture".

Although on dutch TV a few weeks ago "Vara Laat" (talkshow) had the winners of World Cyber Games as their geust. These guys won Gold in the UT2K3 tournament but the host choose to use the opertunity to make insulting comments and generaly stupid remarks about gaming in general.
Go media!
But the collumn that was written in reply in a game magazine was verry funny.

[Toxic10x]

yeah, once I found out David Spade was hosting it I pretty much gave up hope anyway :p

[Statalyzer]

A woman locks her keys in the car and so she calls her husband at work since he has a spare key. Nobody answers so she leaves a message and tells him she'll be in the store next door shopping if he can come by when he gets the message. After a while she gets impatient so in frustation she walks back outside to yank on the door. To her surprise, it opens right up. She doesn't want her husband to show up and find out the door was unlocked all the while, so she locks the door again and shuts it so he won't find out. Walking back into the store, she meets the mananger. "Ah, there you are," he says "Your husband came by a few minutes ago and told me to tell you he's unlocked the door."

[SW Freak]

Three guys arrived in heaven and saint Peter said to them "You can come into heaven but if you step on any ducks then we're going to tie you to an ugly woman." So the three guys were okay with this. So they went in and the place was full of ducks. So within the first six months the first two guys had been strung to ugly women. After a year the third guy was still free. So saint Peter comes up to him and says "Since you didn't step on any ducks we're going to tie you to a beutiful woman." So they do. Then the woman starts grumbling. "What's wrong?" He asked "I stepped on one of those damn ducks!" She replied.

[Freek]

OWNED (http://www.little-gamers.com/index.php?strip_id=733)

[Gravis856]

Just putting my stuff in here. If ya can't beat 'em, join them.:D

More of a habit not to post in the TWD, I guess. No disrespect meant.

Best-ever resignation letter (an actual letter sent by a fed-up U.S.
employee)

Letter of Resignation
Date: Tue, 7 May 2002 14:15:27 -0400
Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a
world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that
everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a
full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I
know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on
my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never screw with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXXX

[Gravis856]

Dear Terri:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says ... "There's no one like you, Terri." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body - boobs you wouldn't believe and a behind like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch getting a hellacious barney by this co-ed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else - some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Second Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of "lasagna." She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she really meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're making hot love in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean?

What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me.


But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you.

Because I love you, God help me but I do, please say yes.

Love,
Scott

[Gravis856]

Well, since Geo*****ies won't work when you directly link the images, you'll have to copy/paste these.

(Yes, yes...so much work :p )

http://www.geocities.com/gravis856/santa1.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/gravis856/santa2.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/gravis856/santa3.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/gravis856/santa4.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/gravis856/santa5.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/gravis856/santa6.jpg

Best read out loud with a dirty old man voiceover for Santa. I am so going to hell...:lol:

[Gravis856]

Jailbait (http://www.zipperfish.com/free/quiz/likejailbait.html)

AIM Convos (http://forums.cncden.com/showthread.php?t=173)

[Plancii]

Out of the Mouth of Babes.

One day a six-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked the little boy:

TEACHER: "Tommy do you see the tree outside?"

TOMMY: " Yes."

TEACHER: "Tommy, do you see the grass outside? "

TOMMY: " Yes ."

TEACHER: " Go outside and look up, and see if you can see the sky."

TOMMY: " Okay." (He returned a few minutes later) " Yes, I saw the Sky. "

TEACHER: " Did you see God?"

TOMMY: "No."

TEACHER: " That's my point. We can't see God because He isn't there, he doesn't exist. "

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: " Tommy, do you see the tree outside? "

TOMMY: " Yes. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Tommy, do you see the grass outside? "

TOMMY: " Yessssss (getting tired of the same questions by this time)."

LITTLE GIRL: " Did you see the sky?"

TOMMY: "Yessssss. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Do you see the teacher?"

TOMMY: " Yes."

LITTLE GIRL: " Do you see her brain? "

TOMMY: " No. "

LITTLE GIRL: " Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!"



FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT 2 Corinthians 5:7

- Author Unknown.

[Wrecking Crew]

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,

a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)



Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)



Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)



A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)



At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)



Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)





ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT LONDON TUBE DRIVERS HAVE MADE:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".



"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."



"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on wall.....'".





"We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".



"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."



During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".



"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."



"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."



"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."



"We can't move off because some idiot has their ****ing hand stuck in the door"



"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"





"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways"



"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

:evil:

[Freek]

Gamers are a bunch of violent, psycopathic, homocidal monsters (http://www.komo4news.com/stories/28679.htm) obviously games need to be banned and these so called "humans" need seriouse amounts of psyciatric help.

[Toxic10x]

god bless yee, Penny Arcade! **salutes**

[Wrecking Crew]

Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I
go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak
up the stairs, and I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed
and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her
on the arse and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like she's
sound asleep.



A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! "
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.

:evil:

[Wrecking Crew]

There was this fellow who worked for Australia Post
whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a
shaky handwriting to God.

He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what
it's all about." So he opened it and read,

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very
small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It
had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had
until my next pension cheque.

Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to
and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing
the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into
his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96
dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow
thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came
another letter from the old lady to God. All the
workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
“Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you
did for me?

Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I
told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way,
there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been
those thieving bastards at Australia Post."

...and
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),
Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics
(and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and! reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

:evil:

[Toxic10x]

Hmm, I think I'll relate an amusing story-
There is an infamous chemistry teacher at my school named Dr. Rankle. She was notoriously mean to one kid (kaleyan) and would send him to the office for literally just about anything- tying his shoes at teh wrong time, leaning too far back in his chair- it was absurd. So naturally, one day when his cell phone rings in class, she chews him out about it for about 10 minutes, talking about how it's such a rude disruption of the lesson, and she finally finishes,
"Kaleyan, go to the office!"
No sooner do the words escape her lips, than a ringing is heard from her bag. She reaches in, pulls out her cell phone, looks at it, and says, "excuse me, i have to take this." :lol:

oh, much laughter insued. :D

--btw- go to fanfiction and read my new story!--

[Freek]

And they are comming for YOU next! (http://www.theembassyvfx.com/nike_movie.html)

[Statalyzer]

Jack was planning his wedding and the minister asks him if he'd like a traditional or modern service. He says he'd like the modern ceremony. Everything went fine until the day of the wedding when it was raining like crazy and there was mud all around the church. Jack had an umbrella, but had to roll up his pants legs a couple of times to keep his pants from getting soaked by the puddles he was forced to step through. He forgot to roll them back down, so they were still rolled up when he and his bride-to-be and the minister met at the front of the stage. "Pull down your pants." the minister whispered to Jack. "Uh, I've changed my mind" Jack whispered back, "I think I'll go with the traditional ceremony instead."

[Yorkie]

A New Twist on an Old Tradition
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:D

Santa is a Girl!
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could
possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always
seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and
mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet
under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of
all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid
wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even
if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow
and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a
bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men
would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with
all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to
allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything
remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men aren't interested in
stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho
thing would seriously harm their macho image.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a
politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals
could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a
chance.


:D

[Plancii]

Christmas Story

"Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those as*h*les from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little ****s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of you yoyo's--No request for them! ,
They want computers and robots . . . they think--I'm IBM !
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimney's and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year, now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!

[Author Unknown]

[SW Freak]

The night Santa went crazy

By Weid Al Yankovic.

Down in the workshop,
All the elves were making toys,
For the good gentle girls,
And the good gentle boys,
When the boss busted in,
Nearly scared them half to death,
And a rifle in his hand,
And cheap whiskey on his breath,
From his beard to his boots he was covered in ammo,
Like a big, fat, drunk, disgruntled yuletide Rabmo,
And he smiled and he said,
With a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all,
Now you're all gonna' die!"

The night Santa went crazy,
The night St.Nick went insane,
Realised he'd been getting the raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.

Well the workhouse is gone now,
He decided to bomb it,
Everywhere you'll find pieces,
of Cupid and Comet,
And he tied up his helpers,
And he held the elves hostage,
And he ground up old Roudolph,
Into reindeer sausages,
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German looger(sp?),
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krugar,
And he took up a flame thrower,
And he barbicued Blitzen,
And he took a big bite and said,
"It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy,
The night Chris Chringle went nuts,
Now you can't hardly walk around the north pole,
Without stepping in reindeer guts.

There's the national guard and the FBI,
There's a van from the Eye-witness news,
And helicopters circlein' round the in sky,
And the bullets are flyin',
The body count's risin',
And everyone's diein',
And oh, oh Santa why?,
My, my, my, my, my, my, my,
Used to be such a jolly guy.

West Virginia, now Santa's doin' time,
In a federal prison,
For his infamous crime,
Hey little friend, now,
Don't you cry no more tears,
He'll be out for good behavious,
In seven hundred more years,
But now Vixen's in terapy,
And Doner's still nervous,
And the elves all got jobs workin' for the postal service,
And they say Mrs. Clause is on the phone every night,
With a lawer, negotiating the movie rights.
They're talkin' about,

The night Santa went crazy,
The night St.Nicholas flipped,
Broke his back for some milk and cookies,
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting jipped.

Oh-oh

The night Santa went crazy,
The night St.Nick went insane,
Realised he'd been gettin' the raw deal,
Something finaly must've snapped in his brain.

Oh-oh

Somethin' finaly must've snapped in his brain,
Tell ya, somethin' finaly must've snapped... in his brain.

I love that song.

[Spider786]

UH i always read this thread but i never have a reason good enuogh to post, so i wanna know where do we get all these jokes from?

[SW Freak]

Make them up, hear them from someone, steal them. Anywhere really.

[Spider786]

uh. anywebsites?

[MaXiMuZZZ]

The Following scene took place on a flight of the British Airways Company between johannesburg and London:

a white woman, of approximately fifty years, sat next to a black male. Obviously disturbed, she calls the air-hostess:
What is your problem, Madam? ask the hostess. don´t you see it!? the lady answers. You placed me next to a black. I can´t stay aside one of these reluctant beings. Give me one another seat.
Please, calm down, answers the hostess. Almost all the places of this flight are taken. I will see whether there is a place available.
the hostess goes away and returns a few minutes later:
Madam, just as I thought, there aren´t any chairs left in the economic class. I have spoken with the commander and he confirmed me that there are no more places in executive class. However, we still have a place in first class.
Before the lady can open her mouth, the hostess of air continues: It is completely unusual in our company to allow a person with a ticket for the economic class to sit in first class. But, considering the circumstances, the commander finds that it would be scandalous to oblige somebody to sit besides a person who is that unpleasant.
And then adressing the Black male, the hostess says to him:
So, Sir, if you wish, take your hand luggage, because a seat in first class awaits you.
And all the passengers around, shocked by the scene, laughed and clapped in their hands...

isn´t that nice? :)

[Aurorae]

thats great :p

[Ash]

uh. anywebsites?

teh intarweb has google yuo knows!!!!11

[SW Freak]

Hey, Maxi, is that a true story? More power to the hostess if it is.

[Freek]

OK hold on their Mr Ubisoft, just cuz you had some smash hits this year resulting no doubt in stellar sales figures doesn't mean you have to start acting like EA (http://www.gaming-age.com/cgi-bin/specials/special.pl?spec=ubitarget&pagenum=1).
Pissing off your loyal customers who spend their hard earned cash on your games is not a good way to increase sales.
Woops, I was being logical again, forgot we we're talking about stopping piracy.
WE MUST DESTOY THEM ALL! FOR THE GOOD OF SOCIETY! SEND IN THE CLERKS!

[sverkuijlen2000]

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."
[albert einstein]

"Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!"
[Steven Wright]

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
[Carl Zwanzig]

"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
[Spike Milligan]

"Treat a person as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat him as he could be, and he will become what he should be."
[Jimmy Johnson]

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" :evil:
[Steven Wright]

[MaXiMuZZZ]

i dunno if it´s a real story... but i really like it!

[Freek]

"We're confident that DNF will be one of the greatest, if not the greatest, game of 1998. And this confidence is not misplaced." - Scott Miller, Duke Nukem Producer, 1997

"Duke Nukem Forever is a 1999 game and we think that timeframe matches very well with what we have planned for the game." - George Broussard, Project Director, 1998

"Trust us, Duke Nukem Forever will rock when it comes out next year." - George Broussard, 1999

"When it's done in 2001." - 2000 3DRealms Christmas card

"DNF will come out before Unreal 2." - George Broussard, 2001

"If DNF is not out in 2001, something's very wrong." - George Broussard, 2001

"DNF will come out before Doom 3." - George Broussard, 2002


And the latest anoucement?
Wait for it.....





2005

:rofl: :rofl:

[MaXiMuZZZ]

LOL that´s... STUPID

[MaXiMuZZZ]

a blondy is at home, when it starts raining and storming, a lot of rain is coming down, thunder, really bad weather... why does she sticks her head out of the window every time it's nasty weather?







--> to be on the photo =-)

[Toxic10x]

This is just the kind of stupid crap we need :)

http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm

[Plancii]

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign!
***
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.

[Statalyzer]

I don't know about your second story, but this one --->

"A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign!"

really happened! Jay Leno had it on "Headlines".

[Gravis856]

http://www.trackpads.net/personal/irisheku/godscreatures.jpg

[Massacure]

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18 ) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

:p

[Freek]

Things that are cool

Item one:

High detail scale models of Gundam robots:

http://www.hlj.com/scripts/hljpage.cgi?ban916409

or how about a fully transformable Veritch Fighter?

http://www.hlj.com/scripts/hljpage.cgi?ymt00024

I want one :D

[Statalyzer]

Can a reindeer really only run 15 mph? I would think reindeer would be faster than people. And the earth rotates from west to east. I always remember it like this: "Los Angeles chases New York" cuz that's the way the world goes 'round.

[Age Is Cruiser]

An Englishman, an Irish man and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, you think one of them would have seen it :ashamed:

That must be a descendant of the classic:



















Yuri walked into a bar and fell over.

[Toxic10x]

w00t! classic :D


howdy AIC ;)

[Freek]

People, this is insane. This is 10,000 times worse than the worst thing anybody thinks Michael Jackson ever did to a little boy - or than any lie the feds think Martha Stewart ever told them, or any line in any song that Bruce Springsteen ever sang that rankled a cop in the Meadowlands.

And trust me when I tell you, Mr. Mayor, what Take-Two Interactive is blowing into your face every day is a whole lot worse than second-hand cigarette smoke.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/12292003/business/14640.htm


Yes people, we've gone from just being bad to being the root of all evil and Take Two is the Devil, brainwashing us all. :rofl: :rofl: :lol:
Makes you all warm and tingle inside doesn't it? :D

[Age Is Cruiser]

w00t! classic :D


howdy AIC ;)

I wasn't sure whether that had been posted or not, so I went ahead and replied. :)

[Dr. Thrax]

that was funny...

[Toxic10x]

I wasn't sure whether that had been posted or not, so I went ahead and replied.
It's always a good time for a "Yuri walks in to a bar" reference :D

[Age Is Cruiser]

It's always a good time for a "Yuri walks in to a bar" reference :D

:) Here's one...




There were two women traveling to Las Vegas, the
plane had mean turbulence and bad weather. The
captain announced to everyone to get into the
crash position, head between the knees.

A white woman was sitting next to a black woman,
so the white woman took out all her jewelry and
started putting it all on, so the black woman
asked her what was she doing?

The white woman replied, when the plane goes down
and they see all my jewelry they are going to
think that I am famous so they will rescue me
first. So the black woman started taking off
all her clothes, so the white woman asked the
black woman, what are you doing?

The black woman replied, when we crash, the
first thing they look for is the "black box."




If it's too dirty, let me know.

[SW Freak]

Funny. Only trouble is the black box is orange :)

And Freek, you wouldn't read Penny Arcade by any chance, would you?

[Dr. Thrax]

I had the right to remain silent, but not the ability...

[Toxic10x]

of course freek reads PA- every other post of his is a link or a comic :p

[Plancii]

For a change..

I was wearing a long, colorful skirt made out of that broomstick material when I was trying to explain the word "brag" to my First Graders. I was pretending to brag about being the fastest runner in the whole class. I was going on and on when a little boy raised his hand and said, "You can't run fast wearing that CURTAIN!"
Chris Minch~Stuart, FL

[Warhead2k3]

Why do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

[Gravis856]

These two guys go golfing, and as they are loading up their clubs, a third guy runs up and says "my partner bailed out on me, can I join you?" They allow him to join up and they begin to play eighteen holes.

After a couple holes, one of the guys asks the newcomer "So, what do you do for a living?"

"Well, I'm actually a hit man," He replies

"No *****," says one of the golfers. "For real?"

The guy insists he is a hit man and even pulls his golf cart to the side of the path, gets out, goes in back by the golf bag and pulls out a nice Chandler sniper rifle with a massive 20X scope. The two golfers cannot belive their eyes.

"Man, that is a nice scope on that rifle. Mind if I look through it?" The guy takes the rifle and starts scanning the horizon in the direction of his neighborhood. "Man, this is nice and clear....I can see my neighbor's dog...and the entrance to the neighborhood....and there's my house...hey, I can see right into my bedroom....and there's my wife! Wow! Wait a minute....she's naked....and there is another guy in there...and he's naked, too! THAT B!TCH!" He almost throws the rifle down, but the hit man catches it.

"How much do you charge for a hit?" Asks the recently-happily-married man through gritted teeth.

"Well, since you guys let me play golf with you, I'll only charge you a thousand dollars each time I pull the trigger." He replies.

The husband frowns and stammers "Look, you shoot that b!tch. Shoot her right in the mouth. She talks too much ***** anyway and I am sick of listening to her b!tch. And the guy? That guy is my neighbor. Shoot his c**k clean off, too, that sumb!tch."

The hit man takes aim and waits for a very long pause, causing the husband to become anxious. "You gonna do it or what?"

"Hang on." says the hit man quietly looking through the scope. "Be patient. I may be able to save you a grand."

:rofl:

[Gravis856]

From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Plancii]

Nah....

I dont think papz would appreciate tha one. If he does, i think only 1%.

He appreciates 99% of the time with those like below your nick, Grav....

:p :D :p

[Dr. Thrax]

Heres a joke :D :

I was on a plane to Phoniex, Arizona. We were flying from Kansas City, Missouri. We had a two engine private jet we were flying on. We took off and we reached the end of the runway in 9 minutes. We flying at the speed of stink. A snail passed us and laughed. Then the guy came on the microphone and said, "One of our engines is failing, we'll need to land." Which was kinda silly because he could've turned around and said, "Hey guys, our engine is busted." Shortest flight. The guy next to me was freaking out, must've been his first flight.
He asked me, "Where will the other engine take us?!"
I had a few drinks and said, "To the scene of the crash. Useful time because we'll beat the paramedics there by a half hour."

[Age Is Cruiser]

A man was walking along the beach and found a
bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so
he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man
for letting him out. The genie said, "For your
kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have
always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been
able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships
make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a
road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No,
I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the
work involved with the pilings needed to hold up
the highway and how deep they would have to be to
reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed. No, that's just too
much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the
genie, "There is one other thing that I have
always wanted. I would like to be able to
understand women. What makes them laugh and cry,
why are they temperamental, why are they so
difficult to get along with? Basically, what
makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said,
"So, do you want two lanes or four?"



:lol:

[Freek]

http://www.sirpepsi.com/pepsi10.htm

And he says he's not addicted, it's ""his choice" ROFLMAO :rofl:

[Andra]

Americans scare me.

[sverkuijlen2000]

Who isn't scared of em :p

[Spider786]

ah ok here is my 1st contribution evaar to this thread, (although i always come here)

doctor doctor im shrinking

i guess you'll have to be a little patient :D

[Yorkie]

Well i'm back and i come with jokes :D

also note to self dont leave it so long before readin TWD cos it took me ages to catch up :(

Anyway here goes

Spread The Stupidity


Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP-LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)


Sorry about this next one but i thought it was funny :D

Men and Women Unique Traits
God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders...

:lol:

[Toxic10x]

... and "correcting" women when they get out of line :evil:

[Statalyzer]

From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport

That would be California.

[Spider786]

HEY YORKIE NO FAIR , NOONE AND I MEAN NO ONE IS GONNA SQUASH ME :D ;)
well his my 2nd contribution, plz don take any offense people, its a chain mail i got,

Colored Or Not

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said,

"Colored people are not allowed here."


The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:

"When I was born I was black,"

"When I grew up I was black,"

"When I'm sick I'm black,"

"When I go in the sun I'm black,"

"When I'm cold I'm black,"

"When I die I'll be black."

"But you sir..."

"When you're born you're pink,"

"When you grow up you're white,"

"When you're sick, you're green,"

"When you go in the sun you turn red,"

"When you're cold you turn blue,"

"And when you die you turn purple."

"And you have the nerve to call me coloured"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

Pass this on and help erase racism

[Yorkie]

Very good spider i like that one :D

I will have to go find some more jokes when i have a min

[MaXiMuZZZ]

nice seeing you again yorkie! think ya moved to the fishtank ey!?

[Freek]

It's funny but it's flawed. Calling some1 coloured isn't racism, it's a simple fact, like how the sky is blue and a rose is red.
Racism is using that as the basis to form an argument, to say some1 is or isn't allowed to do something.
Making the punchline " and you have the nerve to call me coloured?" usless, what it should be is: "And you dare tell me to leave?"

Above statement is completly useless. There's no point in analysing humor, but pointlesness is what this forum is for. :D

[Yorkie]

nice seeing you again yorkie! think ya moved to the fishtank ey!?

Thanks Max :) I have spent a lot of time over at AFT but have been missing this place so here i am gonna spend more time over here again.

And of course i bring a joke :D

Three couples meet in the afterlife. They're all standing in front of the Pearly Gates, waiting to get into Heaven.

The husband of the first couple asks St. Peter if he and his wife can go inside.

'No,' St. Peter says. 'When the two of you were alive you were obsessed with money. Even your wife's name is Penny.'

Then the husband of the second couple asks St. Peter if he and his wife can go inside.

'Are you kidding?' St. Peter asks. ' When the two of you were alive, all you did was drink. Even your wife's name is Sherry.'

The husband of the third couple grabs his wife's hand and says, 'Let's get out of here; we don't stand a chance, Fanny.'


:D

YOUR PHONE COMPANY OR MINE?

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. (Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?).



IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and added, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

:lol:

[Spider786]

how about IDIOTS IN FORUMS

:D


(that excludes me,Mods,yorkie,kraavitz,forse,stratlyzer) ;)

[Freek]

Speaking of idiots:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/bottlebomb.html

[MaXiMuZZZ]

hmm.. am i an idiot?

[Chuckie]

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[sverkuijlen2000]

Divorce

A couple was planning a divorce and they couldn't decide which one of them would get there son, the woman thought he was her son so he should live in her house, then the father replied:

You're son? He's my son, I'll give you an example, if I throw a nickle in a vending machine to get a coke and the coke comes out the bottom of the machine, who's the owner of the coke? me or the machine?? :rofl:
(think a little dirty and you get what I'm talking about)

[Wrecking Crew]

So....there I was lounging in a nice comfortable chair under an umbrella, with an ice cold beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other watching my wife mowing the lawn with a manual mower, when the neighbor looks over the fence and yells " You rotten swine letting your wife get all hot and sweaty doing your job", "You should be bloody well hung"
I said "I am, thats why she's doing it" :evil:

[wthigon]

This is interesting.... :eek:


Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be
this widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
my father fell in love with her, and soon they too were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life,
now my daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
and so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
for if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
and he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
my wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
and every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
cause now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
as husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

Oh, I'm my own grandpa.
I'm my own grandpa.
it sounds funny I know but it really is so,
oh, I'm my own grandpa

[sverkuijlen2000]

good one wthigon :lol:

[Freek]

Funny al by itself:

http://www.apextreme.com/


See, diden't even need a punchline :rofl:

[Statalyzer]

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders the veggie-lovers sandwhich. After he's finished eating, he pulls out two pistols and begins shooting the place up, shattering glass, destroying equipment, scaring customers. Then he starts to walk away and the manager says "What was that for?" The panda says "That's what pandas do - look it up." So the manager gets a dictionary and looks up panda: "A rare bearlike mammal of the moutains of China, with woolly fur, characterized by distinct black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."

[Spider786]

roflamo :D

[Statalyzer]

roflamo :D

Rolling On The Floor, Laughing At My Ostrich?

[Andra]

I know a dirtier/better version, Stat :p

[Statalyzer]

I know what you're thinking of, Andra, but that's roflmao, not roflamo. He switched the 'm' and the 'a' around.

[Spider786]

did i? :|

[Plancii]

Rolling On The Floor, Laughing At My Ostrich?




Oh... this is a good one. A new addition to my LIST.... :rofl:

[Freek]

File this one under: IT"S ABOUT GODDAMN MOTHERF%CKING TIME TOO!!!!WHAT TOOK YOU SO F&CKING LONG!!!!!? :lol: :D


http://www.variety.com/index.asp?layout=upsell_article&articleID=VR1117899941&cs=1

[Dr. Thrax]

Rolling On The Floor, Laughing At My Ostrich?Must copy down...:hyper:

[Spider786]

Hey hey people hold up, isn't that MINE? you are forgetting the author ;)
and i think copy that down mite be plagerism :P

[Plancii]

Plagiarism, spidy... plagiarism....WTH... :p

[Andra]

Many of you may not understand the following jokes and some may consider them offensive.



The cocklers who died recently in Morecambe Bay were forewarned by fishermen that it was notoriously dangerous and to come in when the water reached knee-high.

Only problem is knee-high was in the van.



Councillors in Morecambe plan to strengthen their sea defences after not only chiks but Indians and Pakkis were also found in the previous wall.

[Freek]

Why japanese people need help, reason #123:

It's only being released in Japan, but watch those import sites and Ebay light up with orders from all over. So let's not kid ourselves and act like no one will buy the Kasumi pillow. Instead, I'm curious as to how you're going to explain its presence when your folks or female friends stop by for a visit. Perhaps it's best just to act like everyone has a life sized pillow with a picture of a cartoon girl on it and feign shock when people assume you're using it the way you're most definitely going to use it.

http://www.gaming-age.com/specials/thebigpicture6/3.jpg

source: http://www.gaming-age.com/cgi-bin/specials/special.pl?spec=thebigpicture6&pagenum=1

[Toxic10x]

good find freek :D Just hide it in you rcloset with your FFX-2 poster and your copy of DOA: BV :lol:

[Freek]

FFX-2, you shall not speak it's name in my presence (oh crap I just did) my 14 year old sister thinks it's cool, she's asking it as her birthday pressent!
It's the girliest game ever and it needs to die and quick and horrible death. At the same time we can catagorize it as reason #124 why japanse people need help: shamelss "fan service".

[Toxic10x]

hmmm.... so your sister wants a game featuring 3 half naked chicks with gins? :rockbrow: ...interesting... :p

[Freek]

You don't know what you're talking about, go read a review. :p
Barbie dresses slutty aswell and looks like a dumb blond, does that make it for guys? :lol:

[Spider786]

damn u plancii :P, i will use my ultimate weapon : " the SPELLCHECKER" mwahahahhaha, and tozic may need it too :D, don't worry, u may borrow it heheh

[Plancii]

damn u plancii :P, i will use my ultimate weapon : " the SPELLCHECKER" mwahahahhaha, and tozic may need it too :D, don't worry, u may borrow it heheh

ROFLAMO :D (...and that's for the Andra's ostrich..)

[Wrecking Crew]

It's been awhile since I posted anything here so feast your eyes on the following:

Subject: coping with unwanted phone calls

"I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telemarketers weren't able to call people at home during the dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant.

Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco chronicle, has
proposed "three little words" based on his brief experience in a
Telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time.

The three little words are "hold on, please."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming those boiler rooms would grind to a halt when you eventually hear the phone company's beep, beep, beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your friends.

When you get ads with your phone or electricity or gas bill, include them with the payment. Let the senders throw the stuff away.

Think globally; act locally.

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express or a pizza coupon to Citibank. [or a request for a donation!] If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back!
Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can send it back empty if you want, just to keep 'em guessing!

Let’s turn this into a real campaign! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail.
Let’s let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all...
They’re paying for it! Twice! Let’s support our postal service.

They say e-mail is cutting into their business and that's why they need to keep increasing postage.
We can help!

Pass this along to all your friends and maybe we could get enough business for the post office that they would not have to raise rates.



Subject: Fw: Blondes make good Detectives

Three Blondes

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said,

“Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and ! exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!" Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

Ø The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[Andra]

LOL WC :D

What do you say to a media Studies Graduate?

Large Fries and a Coke, please.

[SW Freak]

You may have heard this before from Real life comics or some such but I still think it's funny.

On a Sears hair dryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turnupside down."
(That information could have been helpful BEFORE)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(What is the definition of heat again?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.."
(Why am I taking this?)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to.....what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts! -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: uh...fly Delta)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Toxic10x]

nice stuff guys- esp Wreck :)
And andra, sooo many fields can fit in to that joke :evil:

[Spider786]

i only got one
and i heard it on the radio
2day fm i think labrat said it anyhow:

if quzzies are quzzical
what are tests? ;)

[SW Freak]

That's an easy one, Spider. They're...oh right. :)

[Yorkie]

This is an actual letter a daughter wrote to her parents from college:
Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college.
I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my
thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to
date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.

YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, OKAY?

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture, and
the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed
now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump, were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm. He was the one who called
the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the
hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with
him and his three buddies.

It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning
to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before
my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant.

I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents! I know
you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care
you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood
tests,and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with
the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him
into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well
educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and
religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is different
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good, too, for I am told that his father is an important weapons dealer
in the village in Africa from which he came. Now that I have brought you
up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did
not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I
am not pregnant and I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there
is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I got a 'D' in History
and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper
perspective.

Your Loving Daughter
Linda


:D

[kwark]

Sweeeet :D

[Toxic10x]

...must... use... that :D brilliant :lol:

[Freek]

http://www.ksrevenue.org/perstaxtypesdrug.htm

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:



Now, that last bit is especially amusing, seeing as I recently attended a press trip where an Nvidia representative stalked us all trip, clinked our glasses at every opportunity, and generally schmoozed us hacks the best he could. The presentation was as slick as hot Brylcreem, the way it’s meant to be played, yadda yadda. But which cards were in the PCs when it was time to playtest the game? Radeons. Ooops.

http://www.eurogamer.net/article.php?article_id=54723
:lol:

[Plancii]

It's excellent, Yorkie...

Copy | Pasted | Distribution | Later :D

[Spider786]

neat :)

i will need that

[SW Freak]

This man's baby was sick. He was in the hospital and the doctor came out and said to him "I'm sorry we've lost her." and showed the baby to the father. The father said "WHAT!!!" and took the baby and threw it in the air and stomped on it and smacked it off the wall. Then the doctor said "Can't take a joke, can you?"

What does a brick layer lay?
The way I see it his arse must be really sore.

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman were all in a plane. There are some engine troubles and the plane crashes. The pilot is killed but Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman survive. Paddy Englishman said "We'll have to eat a part of the pilot. I'm from Liverpool so I'll eat his liver." Paddy Scotsman said "I'm from Heart so I'll eat his heart." Paddy Irishman said "I'm from Balls Bridge(Actual place) and I'm not hungry."

[Freek]

http://www.saintjamessf.org/GWBngage.jpg

[Statalyzer]

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express or a pizza coupon to Citibank. [or a request for a donation!] If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back!
Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can send it back empty if you want, just to keep 'em guessing!

Let’s turn this into a real campaign! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail.
Let’s let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all...
They’re paying for it! Twice! Let’s support our postal service.

Best idea ever...I'm seriously going to try it.

And by the way, did you hear that Satan had to hire a new home designer because his current place looks like hell?

[Spider786]

;), how did u kow im have my place renovated?

[Plancii]

Nice one, Stat...

You ain't Satan Spidy...you're more of Bartleby.. :D

"Thou shalt not tempt me; for i am the Lord of the Rings.." :freek:







:p

[Spider786]

never said i was did i? :P

[Freek]

“It took him a while to die,” Dr. Klamut said. “She must have stabbed him 40 to 80 times with that iPod. His death was not instantaneous, that’s for sure”

PFfff, women :lol:


http://www.liquidgeneration.com/rumormill/ipod_killing.html

[Wrecking Crew]

This ones for paps:

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

a. Innovative

b. Preliminary

c. Proliferation

d. Cinnamon


Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

a. Specificity

b. British Constitution

c. Passive-aggressive disorder

d. Transubstantiate



Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

a. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b. Nope, no more booze for me.

c. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d. No kebab for me, thank you.

e. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f. I'm not interested in fighting you.

g. Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have zero
co-ordination.

i. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.


This ones for Elio:

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles.

The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday.

Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."


This ones for the rest of you peeps:

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, a fair bit, and that was my sister-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to help her mother check the wedding invitations. So I went.
But she was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her older sister, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say?
I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her father was standing outside, with his wife and my fiance, and with tears in their eyes, they hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



MORAL OF THE STORY:



Always keep your condoms in your car.



More to come........one day :evil:

[Toxic10x]

:rofl: Brilliant!

[Spider786]

lol :D

[Andra]

A young man is lost in a forest when he comes open a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long grey beard.
"I'm lost" said the man. "Can I stay here tonight?" The old man replied: "Yes, but on one condition - if you lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
The man agreed and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter appeared. She was young, beautiful, had a fantastic body - and flirted with her guest throughout the meal, making it clear she wanted him.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went to bed alone, But during the night he could bear it no longer and crept into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crap," he thought. "If that's the worst the old man can do, I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw out the rock. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic, he glanced down and saw that the rope was already getting close to taut. Figuring a few broken bones were better than castration he jumped out of the window. As he fell, he saw a large sign that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

[GMP]

:rofl:

[Bean]

things you should never say to a cop

"Here, hold my beer while I get another six-pack out of the trunk."
"No, you can't search my car, at least not until I get my AK's and drugs out of the back."
AND
"Uhm, officer, that ain't a cigarette."

[SW Freak]

Or, the best one, "Of course Obicer. I'm serfectly pober."

[Apache_Longbow]

Or, the best one, "Of course Obicer. I'm serfectly pober."
Damn you, beat me to it :D

[Massacure]

What is the perfect name for red heads?

Blondes from hell. :p

[Freek]

Some people just take thing that little bitt too far, and thanks to the internet we can see them all and laugh :lol:

People often say Microsoft is evil, but come on.......:
http://www.ccgr.org/article_read.asp?id=466

[Trevorrex]

Q: Why was everyone so suprised when John Montague invented the sandwich?


A: Because he was such a loafer.



:D

[Freek]

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=rainbow.wmv

Funny as hell but can't possibly be real, script writers coulden't be THAT dumb, could they? Sounds real though :wtf: :rofl:

Epic to cheaters: You like to play with bots? Well, now you get to play with them all day, BANNED! (http://www.ataricommunity.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=359153) :rofl: Screenshots of players trying to log in are comedy gold. :D

[Andra]

LOL

I used to watch Rainbow, good old 80's UK Childrens TV :p

[Desolator12]

Just borrowed a book from the library..." Kilroy was here" it basically has jokes made during WW2.. here's one...
----------------------
A new ensign was assigned to submarines, which he'd dreamed of working since he was a young boy. He was anxious to impress the master chief with his expertise learned studying subs carefully over the years, and he began prattling off all sorts of facts and figures.

The master chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir,' it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the results don't come out even, don't open the hatch.
----------------------
:lol:

[Spider786]

lol that ban msg was s00 funny LMAO

[Desolator12]

On the second day, God created light, and he said
"Damn! this was a good idea! now I can see where I'm going! Do I come up with the best ideas or not?"

On the sixth day, god created man...

"not..."

[Toxic10x]

....and in the 14 billionth year, god decided to create the perfect human. But unfortunatly, just as he set his divine will to the task, he sneezed, and we got desolator12 instead :p

[Desolator12]

ha ha ha...

[Freek]

Tecmo tries to convince the world that they're all about GAMEPLAY.....

http://www.tecmoinc.com/store/bikinis.asp


.....and fails. :lol:

[Toxic10x]

I don't even have to click the link to see where that one is goin freek :lol:

[Freek]

No, it's weirder then you think it is.

[Toxic10x]

bolly golly it is! :lol:

[Plancii]

If its from Freek; it must be freekly awesome... :p

[Spider786]

Yes just note the 'freekly'

[Wrecking Crew]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.





GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:



1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD



1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:



1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.



More Wramblings....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.



2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor .....



3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?



5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.



6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.



7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?



8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?



9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?



10. Is there another word for synonym?



11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"



12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?



13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?



14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?



15. Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?



6. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?



17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?



18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?



19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?



20. How do they get kangaroos and wonmbats to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?



21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?



22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.



23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?



24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ????



26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?



27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?



28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?



29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?



30. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?



31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?



32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?



33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?



34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?





And why I don't understand the game of cricket either........



Each man that is in the side that is in goes out and when he is out he comes in and the next man goes in till he is out. When they are all out, the side that is out comes in and the side that has been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get a man still in and not out. When both sides have been in and out including the not outs, That's the end of the game.



Howzat!!!



THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY



* Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

* Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

* Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

* Download - Get the firewood off the ute

* Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

* Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

* Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

* Window - What you shut when it's cold

* Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

* Byte - What mosquitoes do

* Bit - What mosquitoes did

* Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

* Chip - A bar snack

* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

* Modem - What you did to the lawns

* Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

* Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

* Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonald's

* Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart

* Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

* Mainframe - What holds the shed up

* Web - What spiders make

* Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

* Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

* Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

* Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

* Upgrade - A steep hill

* Server - The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

* Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

* User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

* Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

* Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

* Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

* Online - When you get the laundry hung out

* Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up





Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are

married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers

"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone

number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three

questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game,

however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its

knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if

you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with Us

for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous Hundred

times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this

wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch

tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right. Now

and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the

rules of'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,

Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will

be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect

his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question

away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station

break"



CYA :evil: :rofl: :evil:

[Freek]

Further proof that femminist are clinicly insane:

http://www.plastic.com/comments.html;sid=04/03/23/18494566;cid=13

The National Organization of Women (NOW) has scored a stunning triumph against Virgin Atlantic. The saga began when Virgin Atlantic announced it would be installing "fun" and "sexy" urinals in the male toilets of its clubhouse at JFK airport. When NOW got wind of it, it swiftly activated its grassroots activists, who promptly communicated their disgust and outrage to the airline. And just one day later, Virgin Atlantic recanted its decision:
"Virgin Atlantic was very sorry to hear of people's concerns about the design of the 'Kisses' urinals to be fitted into our clubhouse at JFK Airport. We can assure everyone who complained to us that no offense was ever intended."
But did NOW overreact? Virgin Atlantic, for instance, has noted that the designer of the urinal was a woman. But NOW thinks this is irrelevant, since it was Virgin Atlantic who "wanted it for their big splashy lounge. They're the ones who are responsible." In the meantime, while NOW has applauded Virgin Atlantic for backing down, it warns that Virgin Atlantic isn't completely off the hook:
"We commend Virgin Atlantic for this decision, as far as it goes. But we note that their statement is limited to New York's JFK airport. We hope that they do not intend to put these degrading fixtures in countries where women are less likely to stand up for themselves."

http://www.ananova.com/images/web/88266.jpg

But then the designer is dutch and we're all doped up doing crazy *****, right?
There was an interveiw with her(the designer (http://www.bathroom-mania.com/home.html)) on TV yesterday, aparently the problem is that acording to NOW the toilets make men violet towards women, men pee in that once and all of sudden we want to do that to all women.
Violence? You'd think they'd make the pee-sex connection first.


In other news: celebrities favorite swear words, warning strong language:
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/13480/ :lol:

[Spider786]

lol WC Neat!!!

[SirSnake]

LMAO WC.


great stuff, always makes me laugh :rofl:

[Freek]

The monkey owns you!
http://www.suburban-trunkmonkey.com/ (on slow connections it'll take a while to pre-load).

[Statalyzer]

What is the perfect name for red heads?

Blondes from hell.

:mad: :mad: :mad:

http://forums.cncden.com/showthread.php?t=944&page=4

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
....
* Download - Get the firewood off the ute

* Megahertz - What you get when you aren't careful downloading.

[Wrecking Crew]

Yeah, its me again bringing some sunshine into your lives. :evil:




Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS

pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

(By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major accident).



(P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands

for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for!



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined

airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed radar with words.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed










A gynaecologist had become fed up with the cost of malpractice insurance

and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career

where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers

and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved,

signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he

could.



When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist

Prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a

score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want

to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if

there had been an error which needed adjusting."



The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,

which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together

again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because

you did all of it through the muffler."



***************************************************************



Australian Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is

doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed

that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi.

"We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them

back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box

of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question actually had a practical answer.



So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way.



"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?

What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly,

"we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have

enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,

they send a whole box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard

how to fluster the Rabbi.



"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with

all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste,"

answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we

have enough we actually send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year

they send us a complete dick like you."





**************************************************************



For all those men who say,

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."



Here's an update for you.....

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.



Why?



Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....

Just to get a little sausage.








Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"

and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000. "You've

done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1 million

you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding

on this question...will you have a go?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a

go!"



"OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build

its own nest?

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use me last lifeline and

phone me friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

"I'm fookin sure."



Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go wit da Cuckoo

as me answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked the host. "Dat it is,

Sir." There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo

is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"



The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't

build its own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."

"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo lives in a

clock!"



CYA :evil: :rofl: :evil:

[Freek]

http://www.r50rd.co.uk/research/internal/v2i/engin/

:lol:

[Toxic10x]

crazy stuff freek- and more good'ns wreck :)

anywho,
today my friend Val was droning on about something, and she said something stupid, so another friend corrected her. She said, "Oh, Really? When I don't know what I'm talking about I just start making things up so I sound right." To which I replied, "Spoken like a true democrat" :D

**runs off dodging thrown objects**

[Freek]

Ladies and gentelman, let me introduce you to an online sport that is rappetly growing in popularity. The ancient art of Warthog tossing (pending olympic aproval), you played the flashgame but this is where it all began:

http://www.warthog-jump.com/

The video is truly amazing. :D

[SirSnake]

didnt that get posted in GD a while back?


still quality though :D

[SW Freak]

Yes, you've all played the game, but what you didn't see was that it was stolen from H.B.O(Halo.bungie.org) and put on various other sites. Who does it give credit to?

[Spider786]

It evens links back there : http://halo.bungie.org/misc/warthog_launch.html

[Freek]

It evens links back there : http://halo.bungie.org/misc/warthog_launch.html

So that site diden't steal anything, it just linked it.

[SW Freak]

Okay, sorry. It's just that Ebaumsworld and other places have posted up the game without proper credits.

[Freek]

http://ali.cgcommunity.com/anime.gif

Wonder what that wall ever did to him? :lol:

[Toxic10x]

oh if only avatars had no size restrictions :)

[Darth Helmet]

THE CRIMINAL MASTERMORON

I found this, althrough its not seroiusly funny, it I found amusing

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

:D