another poem, requesting scrutinization!

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

it's a little rough, seein as i did it in about a half hour. please tell me what to subtract/add/change/etc.

Your World

YOU HAVE BEEN LULLED into a digital dreamland
Your own world, your only true friend
Your world is a world parallel to that of ours
Created by corporate greed
It provides you with a meaning in life
It surrounds you with a false blanket of security
It is your life as we speak of it
Your only friend in this cold world...
Sorry! Your only friend is a false friend!
Filled with hackers, viruses, worms, and other parasites
You have befriended a form of evil
A form of evil that will root itself into your world
And reproduce and send itself to others to corrupt them
Who will in turn corrupt others
A chain reaction ensues...
But lo! There is hope for you yet!
Your only hope is to disown your false friend
And befriend the cold world the rest of humanity knows
This world can get no colder, only warmer
Your world, however, can keep getting colder
There is no end
To the bitter cold that surrounds your digital world
There is little hope
For the future of your digital world
There is plenty of hope
For the future of you...
So! Why not heed this advice?!
Log off the internetAnd log on to the real world
To reunite yourself with the rest of humanity
Your only true friends
In a cold world

[RA2Ghost]

:lol: It sounds good, and I was laughing when I finished reading it... I shows part of the life of everyone on this forums ;)

Im a bit tired... so right now I don't know what you could change, but it sounds good

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

:lol: It sounds good, and I was laughing when I finished reading it... I shows part of the life of everyone on this forums ;)

that might have been part of the idea.

[MaXiMuZZZ]

Really nice man!

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

thanks ;)

[Toxic10x]

wait a minute... are you talking about the matrix? :p

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

no i'm just talkin about the general lifestyle of the average [U.S.] teen. i guess it fits the matrix in a way...

[Wesforce]

Undoubtedly... :scared:

[Toxic10x]

hehe, i was just kidding :p

[VO]

Constructive Criticism :
On a less positive note... it doesn't sound good when you try and say it - it seems more like bits of prose snipped up and placed together without any editing to make a uncohesive peice. It's nice, but not very nice :P

[Fox]

I like it.

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

Constructive Criticism :
On a less positive note... it doesn't sound good when you try and say it - it seems more like bits of prose snipped up and placed together without any editing to make a uncohesive peice. It's nice, but not very nice :P
elaboration on your behalf is necessary my friend! :)

what doesn't sound right, what should be taken/added, etc.?

[Desolator12]

sounds real nice... thinking about taking it to VISIONS Literary Magazine ( my High school magazine for poems, short stories, and pics) and submitting it UNDER YOUR NICKNAME (credit where credit is due)

better than the poetry that I can do... I work on short stories (mainly re-writing A Desolate Life)

my limit for poetry is ____ was a poet... i didn't know it.

it seems like your really talking 'bout me... online 24/7 :p

[Wrecking Crew]

I didn't like it. Sorry, but it appears disjointed and pasted together from numorous quotes from your parents. A poem IMHO, should either rhyme or have a certain symetary or balance. Your message has been bandied about for ages, and to my knowledge, mainly ignored. We still like to "speak" to our friends on the 'net and I couldn't tell you this if I had to make a 'phone call every time.

You do get some credit for trying and after all, that in itself is what life is about.
I hope you don't get angry or annoyed over my comments, but I did think you wanted a honest response.

Keep trying 'cus I may be wrong :(

[Desolator12]

well, if it's free verse, WC, it doesn't have to rhyme.. but possibly symetry/balance

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

just what i was gonna say. im not the greatest at rhyme. it's also about the people who are computer addicts, who use them for all entertainment in life, and, in which case, the computer/net becomes their only true friend...until the truth becomes real.

[Desolator12]

I'm gonna edit that, to make it to Kazaa users :p

that's the version of hell in my world....

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

god i finally gave that up when i got my new comp for christmas [gave up the kazaa] ;)