Prophecies- A Novel

[US Terrorist]

this is my story, im gonna send it all out in instalments...preferably once a week....to keep you coming for more...enjoy!


Part 1

I can’t tell you where I’m writing this from. I can’t tell you who I am, or what I do… All I can do is tell you the truth…and why it is that way. The world I’m residing on is bleak, as well as desolate. I honestly have no choice as to where I live. I go where it is safe…whether that be New York, Moscow, China. I can’t really explain my job to you…it’s somewhat illegal to a point… However, I can tell you this. They’re after me. They’ll get you someday too. Yup. That’s right. They’re watching you right now… Making sure you live up they’re expectations… and kill you if you don’t. How do I know this? I used to be one of them. Now I’m in a resistance against them… That is why I must hide, and leave records and account in secrecy. I can’t let them find me. If they find me…I’ll wind up just like you. Living in fear. Afraid of my own shadow for Christ’s sake. I don’t want to end up like that… Like you. Who are they exactly…? Everyday people like you… but smarter, faster, and stronger. You’d never know it. Unless you were engineered that way. I didn’t choose this life…It chose me...


To be continued....

[sterio]

Sounds promising...

[Artificial Genius]

this is my story, im gonna send it all out in instalments...preferably once a week....to keep you coming for more...enjoy!


Part 1

I can’t tell you where I’m writing this from. I can’t tell you who I am, or what I do… All I can do is tell you the truth…and why it is that way. The world I’m residing on is bleak, as well as desolate. I honestly have no choice as to where I live. I go where it is safe…whether that be New York, Moscow, China. I can’t really explain my job to you…it’s somewhat illegal to a point… However, I can tell you this. They’re after me. They’ll get you someday too. Yup. That’s right. They’re watching you right now… Making sure you live up they’re expectations… and kill you if you don’t. How do I know this? I used to be one of them. Now I’m in a resistance against them… That is why I must hide, and leave records and account in secrecy. I can’t let them find me. If they find me…I’ll wind up just like you. Living in fear. Afraid of my own shadow for Christ’s sake. I don’t want to end up like that… Like you. Who are they exactly…? Everyday people like you… but smarter, faster, and stronger. You’d never know it. Unless you were engineered that way. I didn’t choose this life…It chose me...


To be continued....
bro do us a favor and shut up nobody cares please don't write again next week or ever again i think by us reading this not only did u waste our time but u actually made everyone of us a little dumber i know i am new to this site but i think i speak for most people when i say shut the **** up

[Artificial Idiot]

I wasn't aware that novels came in weekly paragraph format :p

Anyway, too early to judge. So I will just say "Promising".

And AG, please keep your criticism constructive, or do not post here at all.

[sYcknYss]

Actually I think "destructive criticism" could be more fitting for this instance... Welcome aboard Genius

To be continued...
change it to "to be forgotten..." and we'll be makin some progress :D

[Artificial Genius]

Actually I think "destructive criticism" could be more fitting for this instance... Welcome aboard Genius

change it to "to be forgotten..." and we'll be makin some progress :D
finally some1 wit brains thanks syckness u could learn somthin from this guy AI

[Apache_Longbow]

Well like AI said it's too early to tell, so I'll be tuning in later.

And AG, I think you are the one who needs to shut the hell up. Stupid n00bs :rolleyes:

[Artificial Idiot]

Actually I think "destructive criticism" could be more fitting for this instance... Welcome aboard Genius

change it to "to be forgotten..." and we'll be makin some progress :D
And you can make that sweeping judgement from a paragraph? Yes, so far it may be cliche. Yes, so far it may seem like it's based on an idea that has been used a thousand times. But you can't discount it from a paragraph.

Especially if you are going to completely discount it without enlightening us to why it does not meet your expectations. If you are not willing to give reasons why and place a balenced opinion... just stick to the Spam Dump, okay?

That goes for you too AG.

[sterio]

bro do us a favor and shut up nobody cares please don't write again next week or ever again i think by us reading this not only did u waste our time but u actually made everyone of us a little dumber i know i am new to this site but i think i speak for most people when i say shut the **** up


It seems like you're new, so I'm not going to become mad. I'm simply going to tell you that that is not how we do things here. If you don't like the begining of that story, say so, but do so in a... kinder way...

[landry38]

Sounds promising, but the grammar needs a bit of work. Lots of potential though.

And Artificial Genius, we do things constructively. Same to you sycknyss. :rolleyes:

[sYcknYss]

must be the aspiring moderators thread. Anyone else wanna tell us what we've already been told? :o








and told , and told....

[US Terrorist]

I don't really appreciate the destructive critisizm...it's my first novel...so gimme a break... I understand the idea probably HAS been used a thousand and a half times before... But noone gave anyone else ***** when everyone else uses orcs, and goblins...and it was JRR Tolkein who practically INVENTED these characters... Please....go easy on me...all suggestions welcome....


Part 2
Wednesday
I’m now in a different place. I’ll fill you in with what’s going on in the world now. Turns out they have put a very high price on my head. So next time I write you, it’ll probably be from a more secretive place than usual. It looks like the next few weeks will be long ones. I’m flying somewhere else very soon. Should be there by next week. I’ll make stops of course to leave more records, and hand out more information. Its 9 PM the phone rings. It’s my fake ID man. Saying he’s got one for me. It’s the normal fee… 1 grand. I tell him to arrange a meeting place that’s out of the way. Because after all, I’m an important person, and I have (like I said) a very high price on my head. But not necessarily my head…but what’s in it. I should have told you this earlier. I have a sort-of hard drive in my head. You can download and upload files from my chip in my brain… And I’m carrying some heavy-duty stuff in it. I tell my fake ID man I’ll meet him down there in about 1 hour. At a remote old warehouse. I get in my S.U.V., and go.

To be continued...

[Artificial Idiot]

must be the aspiring moderators thread. Anyone else wanna tell us what we've already been told? :o
Probably the actual moddies when they come on :p

Anyway, I get a feeling this could be going somewhere. However, I think it would have beneiftted by the first two paragraphs being merged togeather, to make an intro for the story. They sound very alike and seem repeatitive, not very interesting... bland you might say.

However, I'm awaiting the next part. Good luck. :)

[sYcknYss]

Probably the actual moddies when they come on :p
. :)
Sure I can go for one more
:p

Constructive, eh?

So far I find nothing terribly wrong with it. But IMO posting paragraphs at a time is a recipe for disaster. I recommend posting in larger portions,thus giving the critics more to work with and every installment wont be that much of a cliffhanger. If ya know what I mean I also advise clever metaphors and more sensory description. Try to involve the reader into the characters enviroment and so on and so forth.

[US Terrorist]

thanks, i'll take those into consideration...
the next installments will be more...uh...descriptive and involving, and also i'll make them longer...it just a paragraph at a time is easiest way for me to do it...but i'm glad you all kinda like it...ill try not to make the next installment so repetitive, and ill make htem longer and better.
Un till then, here are the first few paragraphs...
-terrorist

Part 1

I can’t tell you where I’m writing this from. I can’t tell you who I am, or what I do… All I can do is tell you the truth…and why it is that way. The world I’m residing on is bleak, as well as desolate. I honestly have no choice as to where I live. I go where it is safe…whether that be New York, Moscow, China. I can’t really explain my job to you…it’s somewhat illegal to a point… However, I can tell you this. They’re after me. They’ll get you someday too. Yup. That’s right. They’re watching you right now… Making sure you live up they’re expectations… and kill you if you don’t. How do I know this? I used to be one of them. Now I’m in a resistance against them… That is why I must hide, and leave records and account in secrecy. I can’t let them find me. If they find me…I’ll wind up just like you. Living in fear. Afraid of my own shadow for Christ’s sake. I don’t want to end up like that… Like you. Who are they exactly…? Everyday people like you… but smarter, faster, and stronger. You’d never know it. Unless you were engineered that way. I didn’t choose this life…It chose me…



I’m now in a different place. I’ll fill you in with what’s going on in the world now. Turns out they have put a very high price on my head. So next time I write you, it’ll probably be from a more secretive place than usual. It looks like the next few weeks will be long ones. I’m flying somewhere else very soon. Should be there by next week. I’ll make stops of course to leave more records, and hand out more information. Its 9 PM the phone rings. It’s my fake ID man. Saying he’s got one for me. It’s the normal fee… 1 grand. I tell him to arrange a meeting place that’s out of the way. Because after all, I’m an important person, and I have (like I said) a very high price on my head. But not necessarily my head…but what’s in it. I should have told you this earlier. I have a sort-of hard drive in my head. You can download and upload files from my chip in my brain… And I’m carrying some heavy-duty stuff in it. I tell my fake ID man I’ll meet him down there in about 1 hour. At a remote old warehouse. I get in my S.U.V., and go.



The SUV won’t start right away… its cold outside. I try about 5 times…and then it starts… ‘Well this is great,’ I think. I’ve wasted more than 15 minutes… I’m going to be late. The warehouse I believe used to be an apartment building, but because of the way the government is, everyone is either dead, in jail, or one of them. Or, if you’re a select few…and you were chosen for this kind of life, you’re always hiding. Hiding from the government… Hiding from your past… Hiding from your future, inevitably, death. I swear, if it was possible to meet death face-to-face, I cam dangerously close. About halfway back from the meeting place, I saw a helicopter overhead. It was rapidly descending with increasing speed… They were after me. Damn bounty hunters. I wonder how much the information that’s in my friggin’ head is worth. Well, they were firing now. Not just a few bullets, but it was a machine gun. When the guy… or girl… fired, it hit my right shoulder, causing me to lose control of the stick. I rolled the SUV on its side, and it happened so slowly… It was almost like slo-mo. It seemed like an eternity, which of course, only actually took a few seconds. I awoke in a strange facility, with men in BDU’s all around me. I wonder where I am was all that I could think of…



I’m not sure what day it is… I’m guessing Thursday. I could be wrong. I wonder where I am still. I’m guessing its somewhere near Moscow. Again, I could be horribly mistaken. Let me describe where I am to you. I’m in a sort-of prison cell. It looks maximum security to me. I glance around the room… padded walls, bars on the window, locked plexi-glass door. It was sick. They were treating me like some kind of sick, infested, rabid animal. I wonder if they’re gonna keep like this forever. I’m still a little out of it. ****. They sedated me. I have an itch. Oh god. They put me in a friggin’ straightjacket. This pisses me off, if I don’t know how long I can live like this… I wonder if they’ll feed me. I don’t exactly know what it is in my head, but I’m guessing it’s valuable. Whatever it is. I wish they’d feed me. I don’t even know how long I’ve been in here. It looks like someone’s coming for me…


To be continued.......

[VO]

Ok, here's the moderator, just to say that AI and landry are right, so shut up Syckness - pointing out that someone (i.e you) is being an arse can be done by anyone, not just moderators... ;) I'm not going to launch into Artificial Genius as he's new - but you don't have to read anything here, so if you don't understand what constructive criticism means, keep your opinion to yourself.

Now, let's talk about the actual meat and bones of the thread - the story.

The Good :
1) The idea, while clichéd, could stand up well if it has an interesting twist to the 'grim future' scenario.
2) The writing is reasonably fun and empathic, although it could use more description instead of 'a sentence a second'


The Bad :

1) The present tense is not fun to read, for me at least. It makes the story drag on.
2) Subtitling your story 'a novel' only makes it look silly. :p
3) Posting a paragraph a day is not a good idea - it makes the story look disjointed and as it it's been thrown together in five minutes. Similarly, pasting a huge block of text in here also puts the reader off. Try using a break between paragraphs to simply not scare people away with an infinite sea of words.

The Ugly :

1) How the feck does he recognise Moscow? :p

All in all, it's not the best that we've had here, but is has alot of potential to be very good. :)

[US Terrorist]

thank you the_voes. thats the best thing anyone's said about it...

i'm working on the next installmtn, ill stop doing a paragraph at a time, and ill make it more descript...the present tense is mroe fun for me...

[VO]

thank you the_voes. thats the best thing anyone's said about it...

i'm working on the next installmtn, ill stop doing a paragraph at a time, and ill make it more descript...the present tense is mroe fun for me...

Cheers, I'm looking foreward to it. :)

[US Terrorist]

Cheers, I'm looking foreward to it. :)

it'll be here next monday.......probably about 4 installments or so....maybe 5 if i have the ideas and time... well thanks for the support

[Apache_Longbow]

A few points:

Make up your mind on your tense. You keep switching from present to past and then back again. The story doesn't have flow to it because it causes confusion.

Try to give us a bit more background each time. A story full of, "They're after me, they're gonna get me, cause I have info. They're still after me, they're getting closer, cause I've still got the info." gets boring. Try revealing to us why or how you got the info, what it is, and why they want it back/destroyed.

Voes is right about 'a sentence a second'. Try to be more descriptive. For example, instead of just telling us that the room had padded walls, explain to us what the padding looked like, if it was truly soft or hard to the touch, what the texture or color was, etc.


Overall, my thoughts are about the same as everyone else's. You're obviously inexperienced, but if you just accept critism from great writers like AI and Voes, you will get better and better. Just keep working at it ;)

[Bean]

A few points:

Make up your mind on your tense. You keep switching from present to past and then back again. The story doesn't have flow to it because it causes confusion.

Try to give us a bit more background each time. A story full of, "They're after me, they're gonna get me, cause I have info. They're still after me, they're getting closer, cause I've still got the info." gets boring. Try revealing to us why or how you got the info, what it is, and why they want it back/destroyed.

Voes is right about 'a sentence a second'. Try to be more descriptive. For example, instead of just telling us that the room had padded walls, explain to us what the padding looked like, if it was truly soft or hard to the touch, what the texture or color was, etc.


Overall, my thoughts are about the same as everyone else's. You're obviously inexperienced, but if you just accept critism from great writers like AI and Voes, you will get better and better. Just keep working at it ;)Well, Apache basically somes it up there, So
What He said.
Its pretty good, it needs detail and maybe a bit of action won't hurt, but most importantly detail.

[Artificial Genius]

Well, Apache basically somes it up there, So
What He said.
Its pretty good, it needs detail and maybe a bit of action won't hurt, but most importantly detail.
it also needs a good story line in fact write a whole new story or better yet don't write at all look you guys may not like what i have to say and i may be new but this is how i feel and therefore have the right to say what i want this just seems like some scifi piece of ***** please stop writing i know its your right but it really sounds like garbage i got one word to say boring :sleep:

[SW Freak]

Okay, you dislike his writing and yet your post looks like it was made by someone who doesn't know what the word punctuation means.

Anyhow, US. It's alright. I don't really have too much more to add to what has been said. I agree with Apache_Longbow in that you should keep it in the same tense. It should be good. I look forward to seeing how it turns out.

[Artificial Genius]

Okay, you dislike his writing and yet your post looks like it was made by someone who doesn't know what the word punctuation means.

Anyhow, US. It's alright. I don't really have too much more to add to what has been said. I agree with Apache_Longbow in that you should keep it in the same tense. It should be good. I look forward to seeing how it turns out.
thats good correct puncuation whats next are you going to correct my spelling man shut up why does everyone kiss each others ass on this thread what happened to the real men on this site with balls that actually say what they beleive you know i was reading some other threads and i only saw one person who did that you guys have to stop being such little girls all i have to say is free alaka

[SW Freak]

If that's what you really think then these forums aren't for you. The users of this forum don't try to be big hard men who always put people down. They do post what they believe. And another thing. This is the fan fiction thread. People post the stories that they have worked hard to write and they want some constructive feedback. I mean, you never even said why you don't like it. Just leave man. Before you get yourself into some serious ****. And you want to know something else? Alaka brought his own banning upon him. Clean up your act, stop being a "Big man" and actually post something that's helpful to US Terrorist. And believe it or not, punctuation actually matters to some people here. It's helpful to be able to read posts easily.

[Apache_Longbow]

thats good correct puncuation whats next are you going to correct my spelling man shut up why does everyone kiss each others ass on this thread what happened to the real men on this site with balls that actually say what they beleive you know i was reading some other threads and i only saw one person who did that you guys have to stop being such little girls all i have to say is free alaka
:lol: Wow, I don't know where to begin with you. First of all, you flamed US Terrorist outside of the Flamerz Corner, which is a violation of a forum rule and grounds for a warning or even a temporary ban. Next, you seem to know it all and condem others as stupid, yet you have yet to use a period in your posts.

If you don't like the stroy, good for you. Just don't post in the thread about it. He has the right to post here and try to learn more about writing so maybe he'll improve. You can dislike his story as much as you want, but you don't need to come into the thread and flame him, especially when your opinions hold no weight at all considering the fact that you're new. Personally, I'd liketo see you try to write a story. I mean, it could be the first 100 page long 1 sentence book ever.

For your own good, just leave the forum now. Knowing you actually look up to ALAKA and from what you've already done, I can tell you will never be anything but an ignorant little n00b who will not contribute to this forum at all. No one likes you or respects you anymore, because you've already made a fool of yourself. Just crawl back into the little hole you came out of, please.

[Artificial Idiot]

Ah, this is about ALAKA again. Hmm, does anybody else find it slightly suspicious that after ALAKA was banned, somebody registered the name "FREE ALAKA" and then, weeks after that, this fool turns up practically quoting that name.

Coincidental, is it not?

[SW Freak]

Indeed. And how did this dirk know about Alaka when he's practically just joined? Anybody want to report him to the mods?

[Time2ki1l]

And Artificial Genius, we do things constructively. Same to you sycknyss. :rolleyes:


I agree 100%, both of you arnt helping at all, it is his first story, and both of you should show a little more respect for someones work, if you dont have anything helpfull to say i suggest you both stfu.

:|

[Wesforce]

Agreed, totally.

Now please cease this until US Terrorist posts another part of his story - We want CONSTRUCTIVE criticism here, or none.

Also I suggest anyone criticsising better have something to back it up. IE: A story of their own :|

[Time2ki1l]

AG, i think you should take your own advice...

bro do us a favor and shut up nobody cares please don't write again next week or ever again i think by us reading this not only did u waste our time but u actually made everyone of us a little dumber i know i am new to this site but i think i speak for most people when i say shut the **** up

....as it somes up my feeling towards you quite well.

:|

[Rolk2]

it also needs a good story line in fact write a whole new story or better yet don't write at all look you guys may not like what i have to say and i may be new but this is how i feel and therefore have the right to say what i want this just seems like some scifi piece of ***** please stop writing i know its your right but it really sounds like garbage i got one word to say boring :sleep:

OI PUNK. Alright too many complaints about you, if you don't stop with your attitude, I will ban you, and I'm not kidding.

Stop insulting other members of the forum too.

But what could I do? I'm just a mod.. right? Try me.

[Nyerguds]

Wewt! Go Rolk :D
AG, I'd believe him if I were you; Rolk is never kidding :scared:

US Terrorist: If this story will have a decent plot I'm definitely gonna like it, even if it has an open ending :p
But not only the tense kinda bothers me, also the style: in the beginning it seems like he's writing letters to someone... but if that's true the last paragraph can't be written, since he says he's in a straightjacket. Kinda odd :\

[SW Freak]

Okay, it'd be kinda cool if we got a new part of the story. And Nyerguds, maybe he's talking to someone, like telepathically.

[US Terrorist]

here's the next installment...it'snot quite done so more will come---

Part 2

A sense of fear…almost numbness comes to me as a large, Hispanic looking man comes into the room that I’m in. He looks pretty deranged…like almost drunk-like. He grabs my neck, squeezing my pressure points behind my neck. I’m sure I’d be able to feel it, but I’m still partially sedated. I swear, I’m discovering new bruises as time goes on. The large man, who is wearing a white suit, is half dragging, half walking me, down a large, bright white corridor. At the end of the corridor is a doorway. The doorway gets larger and larger as I approached it. The lights we so bright, they were blinding me. We reached the room, and upon entering, I was injected with something. I felt myself start to drift off… I got kind of a lightheaded feeling…and I was out of it. I’m not sure exactly what happened while I was sedated, but I remember a dream…
I was in a hospital bed, I couldn’t have been more than 2 or 3, I don’t know how I remember it, but I do. It was October or November, as there were no leaves on the trees, I remember my parents… their faces were unclear, kind of twisted-like… I see the doctor coming over to me… Somehow, subconsciously I know what’s about to happen… I’m getting a shot that will change the way I live my life… My parents chose to do this… to make my life the way it is… I wake up…
The dream wasn’t clear, and I don’t remember much when I wake up. There are few parts I remember clearly about my childhood. That’s why I suppose the dream was so unclear… I have several things attached to my body… They look like little white suction cups. I wonder what they’re for… The **** in my head can’t be that important. It’s insane… They think I’m friggin’ insane. They want that information so bad… They’ll do anything for it. Either that, or they want money. Badly. I hear the large Hispanic man mutter something about me… But I could care less. I see them coming in.

[US Terrorist]

to answer some questions...
hes recording these installments we'll call them into the chip in his brain...I dont really have time to write it well right now, but since a few people sounded interested... give me a few weeks, and instead of posting it at different times, it will be better written. so mods, please close/delete this thread...and forget about it. I will try to edit the story, as well as make it better and finish it.
So, if you would be so kind....
-Semper Vigilans

[gonefshn]

I like the story so far, it sounds interesting even though it isn't as original as one might want. You have some potential as a writer though you could take a little more time to think of ideas, for a first though it looks great! :p