View Full Version : Queensland Rolk and the Old Beer Mat of Unimaginable Power
IMPORTANT NOTICE : If you are likely to be offended by a story full of cultural steriotypes, badly written comedy accents and Nazi references, stop reading now. Or continue and don't bitch afterwards. If you don't wish to be portrayed in this story, please pm me and I shall change your username in the story so it is very slightly less obvious it is you :p .
No introduction is necessary.
Sometime, Somewhere Near Lion’s House, Shallowest Peru.
Queensland Rolk, Professor of Angry Faces, World Renowned Archaeologist, Man of Mystery, Adventure and Bannage, and Irresistible to the Ladies, pressed his back against the wall, breathing heavily. Around the corner of this overgrown, forgotten temple to the God of Nublets, a thousand pigmy savages yelled war chants of “GET TEH CHEETOR!” and “MAPHAXX!”, while they busily poked bushes where the intrepid explored had been only moments before.
“Blimey mate”, he whispered under his breath to no-one in particular. “This’un a real blighter”. Trapped here in this one-way passageway with spikes slowly descending from the ceiling he watched the wooden floor ominously creaking, and visible through the cracks was a fast-flowing river one thousand feet below full of angry crocodiles. Unfortunately, although he was Australian, he was not Steve Irwin.
It was time to think fast, and Rolk wasn't the kind of man whose train of thought was still boarding at the station. Grabbing his trusty horsewhip, he peered around the corner, taking in the precise location of the dramatically positioned vine dangling from the ceiling, and made his move. The whip cracked, catching hold of the vine, and with a determined leap, he swung out over the savages, grabbing a priceless golden idol while he was at it. The savages, dumbstruck, watched him sailing by, dodge the deadly poison dart traps, beat up the tiger released from the trapdoor, and leap out of the temple, dashing to his aircraft with them at a cinematically dangerous distance and a stormtrooper-like accuracy with their jagged spears.
“WHErE tO, guV?” CNCFAN, the small local boy with a keen white smile under a matting of dirt and grime grinned at him, his feet barely reaching to plane’s control pedals.
Rulk held up the idol, and CNCFAN grinned. Spears pattered harmlessly off the windows of the seaplane.
“Down Under, I think. Can narrative power get us that far?”
“YOu B3tcHA! 1f J00 CoULD JU$t LEt ME IntO TeH 0lDb13$ COrN3R….”
"No. Get moving."
The Seaplane began to move, bobbing eratically across the water then improbably across the land, mowing down several unlucky pigmy savages in it’s wake. It then took of, appearing again on a discoloured map showing the world, and heading to it’s destination across the Unpacific Ocean, leaving a thin red line behind it. The catchy theme tune to the upcoming adventure played.
***
The Year is not really relevant, and Eurp writhes within the iron grip of the Spammish Empire. From his Iron Fortress, the Foohrer himself, CKWE, sends out his vile agents to recover the greatest and most powerful artefacts the world has ever known – including the very Beer Mat of Unimaginable Power itself. Only one man stands in his way; a ruggedly handsome archaeologist with a chequered past and a professorship at Down Under University; a man who has travelled to every corner of the world in search of fantabulous treasures, fame, adventure, and interesting women; a man upon who’s shoulders the very fate of the world rests.
This man’s name is Queensland Rolk.
***
To be continued...
Yes, this will feature other characters like CNCFAN most of you won't recognise... :p
Artificial Idiot
03-17-2004, 04:29 PM
wewt! About fragging time too!
Good work voes! :)
Awesome story Voes.
"I want some more."
Toxic10x
03-17-2004, 08:10 PM
yay! more forum stories! Keep er comin voes :)
Apache_Longbow
03-17-2004, 09:56 PM
Good stuff, looking forward to more...
[Menacing, Evil voice]...and I better be in this one.[/Menacing, Evil voice]*Does the usual 'shaking of the fist, if you don't I'll show up at your house with a angry pitchfork-weilding mob' thing* :p
Wesforce
03-18-2004, 10:17 AM
Foohrer CKWE... And most people here don't even know who he is :p
The Spammish certainly get around!
Has great potential :color1:
sterio
03-18-2004, 10:40 AM
Quite a good start (though I do get the feeling I might have read it some time before :p). Very good. I feel sorry for people who read stories like this one and Cap'n Camel and don't understand half of the jokes :p
This is actually all-new Sterio :p
Time for some badly written gutteral Eurpean accents! :color1: :color1: :color1:
Spamlin, Spaim.
The Foohrer watched the parade, smiling maniacally. Today was a good day ; he’d annexed another small Eurpean country, and now just had to deal with the damn Brattons. They were holed up on their island of theirs, so they probably wouldn’t be a problem much longer – with the might of the Spamwaft on their case and the OPERATION WOLF III NINJA HOTT SEXX naval landings planned, it didn’t look like they’d be able to hold out. However, they seemed to be doing a good job of simply looking offensive to the Foohrer. It was the kind of thing that made him want to rant.
Below them, countless lines of Spammish Spamtroopers marched by, saluting the bizarre Anime girl on the Spammzi Party flag. Massive tanks rumbled by, Spammish fighter planes whooshed overhead, and while a military band opened up with The Spammish National Anthem*, battleships floated down the convenient nearby sea, guns firing off salvo after salvo in honour of the Foohrer. There was a knock on the door, which, to CKWE’s mind, rather spoiled the sight.
General Nilsog entered furtively, wearing a black and white jersey. He had a large sack over his shoulder.
“General! Vow goes ze book burning, ja?”
“Wery good Foohrer! Today ve burned seventeen of zez nice picture books, though… zey had ze nicest kutest little doggie voggies…”
“Silenze! I do not vish to heer about ze doggie voggiez, kute as zhey may be…”
“Ja, Foohrer!”
“And ze prizelezz religious artifakts? Have zhey been found?”
The General unslung the heavy bag from his shoulder, marked with a large dollar sign.
“Vell, here ve have ze ark of ze covenant, zat one is very nize, and here ze holy grail, and here iz ze priceless cushion upon vich jezuz himself sat for ze last zupper, ja…”
The general held up all 3 antiques with a sheepish look on his face. CKWE met him with an icy gaze, and began to rant.
“Vhat have I told you before? Vhere is ze Beer Mat? Ze Beer Mat is ze most holy of zem all! Ze Beer Mat is what makes ze kollektion to sell on ze ebay!Without the beer mat ze rest iz nothing! Nothing! I ZMASH YOUR FAZE!” CKWE’s face went very red, and smoke came out of his ears with a toot-toot sound like a steam train. Veins popped out on his forehead, and his eyes glazed over, and the mighty foohrer collapseD sideways onto the floor.
Nilsog picked up the grail, and filled it up with water, which swiftly turned to wine. Shrugging, he poured it over the unconscious CKWE, and sat down in the chair, to wait for him to regain conciousness.
When the foohrer did, he launced straight back into his tirade – to Nilsog it was as if he didn’t even realise he was unconscious. Eventually, after a three hour role-play of what CKWE wanted to do with the war, mostly involving women’s tops falling off, Nilsog left, with specific instructions to find Airmarshall Tagbert Von Gibbonheim and bring him in, dead or alive.
*Which contained many references to bizzare anime shows no-one had heard of, and also many gramattical innaccuracies and the recurrence of a character called Wolf in many guises.
Artificial Idiot
03-18-2004, 10:53 AM
LOL!
Perfect adaptation of CKW there voes... only with a dodgey accent :p
'tis awesome voes,
Keep it coming, keep it coming, keep it--
WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY
-sorry
Time2ki1l
03-18-2004, 02:13 PM
lol, i like it, i can just imagine the cheesy Aussi(sp?) accents.
:p
KrasnyOktyabr
03-18-2004, 02:20 PM
Maybe I'll actually check out Fan Fic... o.0
Good work VO.
Toxic10x
03-18-2004, 03:51 PM
damn straight you will KO :p
hehe- finally "Tagbert Von Gibbonheim" has a context in which it actually makes sense... sorta :squint:
sterio
03-18-2004, 04:22 PM
Yay! :D
(can't think of anything better to say, so that's all you get...)
Nyerguds
03-18-2004, 04:47 PM
Wewt! Great stuff VO :p
Rolk2
03-19-2004, 06:03 AM
lol Professor of Angry Faces
I like :lol:
D.J Cat
03-19-2004, 06:24 AM
Good stuff this.
:D
Desolator12
03-22-2004, 06:41 PM
Keep it up...
not that I want to be in this story... *ahem, cough, cough, wink, bribe, blackmail, ect*
ye actually got the rolk's support on this one :p
QR will continue once I finish this paper I have to write :( - this may apply to the RPG, too :(
Blue Aurora
04-17-2004, 03:20 AM
Funny! :D Now I wonder when will he make more of these stories...
Artificial Idiot
04-17-2004, 04:24 AM
My goodness, this must be one monster of a paper. Is it an assignment on laziness by any chance? :shifty:
*Remembers the long break he took during the writing of Cap'n Camel*
Ok, forget I said that :p
My goodness, this must be one monster of a paper. Is it an assignment on laziness by any chance? :shifty:
*Remembers the long break he took during the writing of Cap'n Camel*
Ok, forget I said that :p
Quiet AI, now I have work to do for school as well :(
Nyerguds
05-16-2004, 07:04 AM
Meh. Enough delay... as they say in Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail...
GET ON WITH IT! :p
It's back! (BUT FOR HOW LONG?????)* AI HAS CORNERED THE BIZZARE FORUM STORY MARKET FOR TOO LONG!
*At least one more episode, as VO is taking this from the bit he wrote ages ago so you don't have to worry (yet).
100% OFFICIAL DGNF BIRTHDAY EDITION AND NOT JUST POSTED TO STOP AIES HOGGING THE LIMELIGHT, HONEST!
Special Agent Sn1p4h slid down the muddy hill, which miraculously didn’t dirty his tuxedo, and shot seventeen Spammish Spamtroopers. He swore, ducking under the other one thousand seven hundred and fifteen other’s badly aimed shots, and chucked a grenade which exploded, killing all but twenty two, who were cowering in fear at his uber leetness. The remains of the others sprayed him with gore and blood (which also failed to dirty the tuxedo, and certainly didn't dampen his sex appeal). Muttering a seemingly witty one-liner that actually didn’t make much sense, he looked around for some kind of armoured vehicle he could use to throw at the Spamwaft aircrafts zooming overhead and strafing his position with bullets.
There weren’t any.
“Curse it, bloody hell, wot wot,” said Sn1p4h, “damn bad show!”. He had nothing to use apart from his dashing good looks, stereotypical brattish buck teeth, and a collection of ornate silver stationary gifted to him by Her Madgesty, The Queen of Great Bratten and Empress of Singhdia. Although she looked somewhat like Colonel Sanders, Queen Madgemum was a delightful woman, and it pained Sn1p4h greatly to have to waste the colouring pencils he had received up appointment as “like, total spie dude alrite mann ok dude!” in Her Madgesty’s Secret Service.
“Forgive me, madam, and all,” he whispered, kissing the lime green pencil he had selected from the package. He looked up, taking careful aim at the nearest aircraft, and with Olympian prescision, hurled it into it's engine!
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooowwwwwwwww………….. put……put……… phoooooot!
The plane’s screaming engines gave up like VO abandoning a forum story, and the aircraft swung into a spiralling nosedive, smoke pouring out behind it. Sn1p4h, having selected Red Ochre as the next pencil to use as an improvised ballistic weapon, looked up and realised that it was heading straight for him, it’s trajectory altered in a potentially fatal way for the dashing young Brattish secret agent!
“Cripes! Better do something about that, dash it!”
Muttering in leetspeak, he realised that the only option left open to him was to go to ground. With incredible haxxor strength and only the power of his teeth, he ripped off a nearby manhole cover and dived in, as the might of the Spamwaft thundered around him. His tuxedo stayed clean.
Artificial Idiot
10-28-2004, 07:20 AM
Dashed good work there, old chap, wot, wot? Jolly good show and all!
YaYz0rz!! :D
(me, me, me :p )
SW Freak
10-28-2004, 11:47 AM
Hah! Her Madgesty...funny...
Anyway, good work, VO. I look forward to seeing what other stuff you come up with. *Wonders how to get himself into the story as a non-expendable character*
Blue Aurora
10-29-2004, 09:40 PM
Short but sweet VO. Keep'em comin'!
Madge
10-29-2004, 09:42 PM
Hah! Her Madgesty...funny...
Anyway, good work, VO. I look forward to seeing what other stuff you come up with. *Wonders how to get himself into the story as a non-expendable character*
Yes, very funny. :| :mad:
SW Freak
10-30-2004, 05:10 AM
See? Even Madge agrees with me! :p
Nyerguds
10-31-2004, 02:30 AM
Wewt, neat :D
Desolator12
11-04-2004, 10:01 PM
heh... keep it up.... VE VANT ZE BEER MAT!!
...and ze doggy voggiez!
Official QR policy is that the episode after the one I post must be ready before I post the next one (so I don't do anything I regret and take the plot in an odd direction). Therefore, as long as I don't get sidetracked, there will be at least one episode this weakend!
SW Freak
11-05-2004, 09:59 AM
Woo!
Unless spelling it weakend is some kind of large small print used in a desperate attempt to fool us into thinking you're actually going to post something.
But it's prolly not. Prolly all in my imagination...Or is it?
...Oh, wait, yes. It is. I'll shut up now and get back to trying to type up the next part of my own story...
What the heck, the next bit is just going to be a continuation of this anyway - I can't go wrong. :) EDIT : DOUBLE DOSE!!!!1
Down Under. Queensland State University
Queensland Rolk wandered into his classroom via the Campus Grounds – it was one in the afternoon in the morning in Down Under, so he didn’t have to worry about being mobbed by any adoring fans as the students would still be asleep. The koalas chirruped in the Eucalyptus trees happily and a Kangaroo and it’s Joey bounced past. It was good to be home.
He ambled down the corridor towards the room where he was due to lecture in the time between the students woke up and turned on the loud music (which would give him about 20 minutes to talk). The blackboard was clean. The floors squeaky. The windows free of just enough grime to let light in. He grinned, and made his way back to his desk, where a burly man appeared from nowhere and thrust him into a sack.
Queensland was hustled into a car, and sped through the streets of Down Under. Although technically they were at war, Down Under was far from the front lines. Queensland, from inside the sack, could just about see out, and recognised the Brattish Embassy when they stopped there. He was picked up by the burly driver, and thrust out into the cold night air, crashing unceremoniously onto the doorstep of the embassy. The driver got out, tentatively rang the doorbell, then giggled girlishly and leapt back into his car before driving off. After the door creaked open sack was picked up, carried down a flight of stairs, and into a brightly lit room. It was dumped on the floor. From his disadvantaged position, Queensland could see that the floor was made of stone, and what appeared to be a snooker table dominated the room, surrounded by various cabinets, charts on the walls, and maps dominating everything. Unfortunately, he couldn’t see most of them very well.
After a few minutes, the sound of footsteps alerted him to several people coming into the room. He tried to make a fuss, and yelled about banning people inside the sack, but it probably came out quite muffled. Luckily, a pair of hands quickly found the sack, and undid it. Queensland Rolk sat up, and opened his mouth.
“Oy mate! What’cha do that for! Blighters!” He wasn’t going to invite them to his next barbie.
He looked up, and was greeted by the stony gaze of three people – a man with a cork hat (meaning he was Australian, mate), an old man in a suit, and a woman with blue hair wearing leather. She smiled at him, in the way a gigantic shark might smile at a little fishy or someone stupid enough to go swimming in it’s vicinity.
The skeletal, white-haired man with the suit stepped forewards, and extended a hand attached to a long, thin arm
“Queensland Rulk, I’ve heard so much about you. Sir Augustus Snake, Brattish Military Intelligence at your service.”
He shook Queensland’s hand with a look that was just about as warm as a freezer. This man was only here because times were dire – no-one from Brattish Intelligence would have bothered with the so-called denizens of rednecked Down Under in any other time.
Before Queensland could reply, Sir Snake continued.
“Mr Rolk, I’m afraid I have to be brief – we have seven more confidential meetings this morning. Brattish Intelligence has been watching your career with great interest, and we’re interested in offering a job to you.”
Rolk cut him off. “I’m not interested in politics, Mr Snake. Nice to meet you. G’day mate.”
Augustus Snake smiled. “What if I told you this job involves a certain Old Beer Mat of Unimaginable Power?” You could hear the capitals. And then Queensland’s jaw hitting the floor.
TO BE CONTINUED!
SW Freak
11-05-2004, 11:31 AM
Woot!
More funny stuff, Voes. And what's with Augustus? How'd you think that one up?
Woot!
More funny stuff, Voes. And what's with Augustus? How'd you think that one up?
As I didn't remember SS's real name so I named him something dignified as he's an intelligence bigwig. :p He's Sir Augustus Snake. :)
SW Freak
11-05-2004, 12:10 PM
Never shall it be forgotten...
I'm gonna enjoy this story.
Blue Aurora
11-05-2004, 08:18 PM
I think his real name was Alexander. BTW Voes, keep it up, keep it up!
Desolator12
11-07-2004, 01:48 PM
Hey BA, long time no post!
Great stuff...
but no doggy voggiez...
SW Freak
11-07-2004, 02:05 PM
There were no stereotypical drunken Irishmen either, but you don't hear me bitching.
Desolator12
11-07-2004, 02:32 PM
/me creates protest signs stating 'MORE DOGGY VOGGIES AND STERIOTYPICAL DRUNKEN IRISHMAN!'
[/spam]
/me waits to see whether or not Teh VOes will insert him into the story randomly for no apparent reason and kill him off the second he enters
Blue Aurora
01-14-2005, 09:38 PM
With Rolk an exmoddie, how can Voes continue??!!!
Desolator12
01-14-2005, 11:11 PM
Erm, because Rolk can still kick ass?
...and anyway you look at it, I think t3h VOes left for a bit...
BlckWyerve
01-14-2005, 11:19 PM
Teh Voes will be back in a few days, apparently.
Artificial Idiot
01-15-2005, 03:35 AM
Begorrah, yer an awful eejit so yeh are! Luck o' the Oirsh, tabe sure at all, at all, at all!
Who said there were no loveable-Oirsh sterliletypes!? :p
sterio
01-15-2005, 04:24 AM
Well, sterliletypes are always better than steriotypes at least... :p
BlckWyerve
01-15-2005, 08:56 AM
Who wouldn't want to be a type of sterio? :p
Desolator12
02-01-2005, 07:44 PM
erm.... me :p
I'd rather be a wolf :)
Artificial Idiot
02-02-2005, 05:15 AM
What if it was that rare and elusive Icelandic steriowulf?
Desolator12
02-06-2005, 06:34 PM
No... just plain wolf... perhapse Grey, but other than that, just plain wolf...
BlckWyerve
02-07-2005, 10:17 PM
Blasphamy. Why wouldn't you want to bask in the glory of sterioness?
SirSnake
02-08-2005, 07:39 AM
As I didn't remember SS's real name so I named him something dignified as he's an intelligence bigwig. :p He's Sir Augustus Snake. :)
LOL! this took me too long to find.
heh, cheers very much VO, and as BA said, it is alexander, but augustus has its own ring to it that i like :D
keep up the good stuff :color3:
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