TF: Future Imperfect

[Nilsog]

[I]Decoding...
Decoded
Origin: Nemphus System
Starship: FSS Enterprise NCC-1701-E Sovereign Class Cruiser

Original Message:

This is Captain Nilsog of the FSS Enterprise. We were pulled into some sort of anomaly in the beta quadrant and most of our systems are down. Our last sensor sweeps detected a large vessel of unknown origin on a direct course to intercept us. We are requesting any Terran Federation vessel respond to our location immediately. We are in need of engineering teams and supplies to repair damage to our warp core caused by the anomaly. Unknown vessel has 13 hours to intercept time. [MESSAGE REPEATS]

((So, after watching Star Trek, I decided I wanted to start a new TF game. I don't know how long it will last, but if you want to join, feel free. This one takes place in the next generation era with the newest ships. The unknown ship which is headed for me is going to be some sort of evil space character, if someone wants to play the badguys, call it.))

[Trevorrex]

Federation Retirement Home, Earth.

(Former President Trevorrex is sitting quietly in his hover rocking chair when the distress signal from the Enterprise comes through his combadge, which he was supposed to turn in to Starfleet after he retired, along with his phaser rifle.)

Trevorrex: *jerking awake* Wha-? Damn and tarnation! These young folk in Starfleet can't handle anything nowadays! I'll have to take care of this myself!
Nurse: You're only 43, I have no idea what you're even doing here to begin with....
Trevorrex: You remind me of that upstart helmsman on my old ship....speaking of which - *grabs combadge*

Orbital Drydock, Earth orbit.

(The starship FSS Intrepid NCC-74600 hangs inside the drydock, having gone under refits and upgrades following the FSS Voyager's return to Earth)

Commander Stevenson: According to these reports, we should be ready to go in a few days time.
Lt. Redshirt: Yes sir, perhaps even sooner if engineering can -
(He is interrupted by someone beaming onto the bridge)
President Trevorrex: I am taking command of this vessel! The Enterprise is in peril and we are the only ship in range!
Cmdr. Stevenson: What? We're at Earth! There are at least fifty Starfleet vessels in this system alone! Not to mention we're in the heart of the Federa-
President Trevorrex: Shutup and get the hell off my ship.
Cmdr. Stevenson: (dejected) Yes sir.
President Trevorrex: *removes dust cover on captains chair* Vessel status?
Lt. Redshirt: Engines are functional, life support and weapons are operational. But the shield generators need a few more days for work to be completed.
President Trevorrex: We don't need those, we have that fancy batmobile armour that Voyager brought!
Lt. Redshirt: But sir, the shields form a vital part of -
President Trevorrex: Wait, you're still a mere lieutenant? That's what you were when I used to command this ship years ago! Wow, I hope your parents didn't bother being too proud of you or anything!
Lt. Redshirt: .................
President Trevorrex: Release docking clamps, disconnect umbilical support, thrusters to one half, take us out!
Lt. Redshirt: Yes sir, we are now underway. Um, message from drydock sir, they are asking 'What the hell do you think you're doing?'.
President Trevorrex: We're on a freakin' rescue mission! Set course for these co-ordinates *hands padd to helmsman* and engage at maximum warp!

(In space, the Intrepid raises her warp nacelles and in a burst of light, tears off towards the Enterprise)

[ein1017]

Calling the bad guys ahead of time but too tired right now to make a proper post.

[Statalyzer]

Adm. Chandler: Commander Statalyzer, your new ship will be the Intrepid-class FSS Victoria, NCC-74963. Congratulations on your first command.
Statalyzer: I'm honored.
Adm. Chandler: You should be. Keen would be quite proud of you.
Statalyzer: If only my father was still around to see this moment.
Computer: Your father's name was Keen Statalyzer? That's ridiculous!
Statalyzer: Sadly, yes, as proud as I am of my father, his name was always a source of ridicule.
Adm. Chandler: It definitely was, Blaze. Here's the roster of your crew. Your first assignment is waiting for you in your ready room.

*** Senior Officer Roster for FSS Victoria ***

Captain: Commander Statalyzer - Human
1st Officer: Lt. Commander Spank - Vulcan
Operations: Lt. Commander Terabyte - Android
Tactical: Lt. Wolf - Klingon
Engineering: Lt. Accent - Human
Security: Lt. Expendable - Human
Navigation: Lt. Snafu - Human
Counselor: Lt. Spandex - Betazoid
Medical: Dr. Doktar - Human

Assignment: Take Intrepid to the edge of the Romulan Neutral Zone and investigate the apparent disappearance of several Federation outposts. Although the Romulans are believed to be the cause, do not fire upon any Romulan vessels - even on our side of the Neutral Zone - unless fired upon, or unless they present an eminent threat to any Federation outposts or colonies. Under no circumstances will you cross the Neutral Zone into Romulan territory.

Statalyzer (thinking) hmmmm, why do I have a Vulcan and a Klingon and a Betazoid among my crew? I thought we were the TERRAN Federation ... I guess they wandered away from their home planet and decided to join us?

[Gaucho8788]

Commodore Gaucho - Captain/Senior Executive Officer
Commander Johnathan Seers: Commander/Secondary Executive Officer
Lt. Commander Shawn Blaze: Tactical Officer
Lt. Commander Richard Pierce: Chief of Engineering
Lt. Kimberly Hunter - Comm
Ensign Tyler Reeves - Helm
Lt. James Carr - Senior Science Officer
Lt. Kerry Jamison: Operations Officer
Lt. Commander Samantha Ryan - Senior Medical Officer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(At Starfleet Command)

Commodore Gaucho: Well it has been a while since I have commanded a ship.
Admiral Nate: Yes it has. You've been a great help to us here at command, but we feel that we need you back in the field. The FSS Enterprise E has gone missing near an anomaly in the beta quadrant, or at least that's what the SOS we received details. Trevorrex has already taken the Intrepid out to investigate.
Commodore Gaucho: Well, wouldn't one ship be enough? I know the importance of keeping the Enterprise around, but we do have other missions that need taken care of as well.
Admiral Nate: Well the message also advises of a ship of unknown origin and firepower closing in on the Enterises position. It could be anything.
Commodore Gaucho: Well you didn't tell me that. Alright, what ship shall I be taking out?
Admiral Nate: Well, your old crew was assigned aboard FSS Soverign, you could take command of that ship, as the Captain was relieved of command.
Commodore Gaucho: What happened?
Admiral Nate: We shall not discuss that at this time.
Commodore Gaucho: Fine but I would like detailed info on what happened.
Admiral Nate: In due time. Now go help Trevorrex and Nilsog.
Commodore Gaucho: Understood.

(On board the FSS Soverign, Gaucho is beamed directly to the bridge)

Commodore Gaucho: Alright everyone, before you all say how happy you are to see me we have a mission to attend to. Do you already have the co-ordinates put in?
Ensign Reeves: Yes sir. They are laid in and we are ready to depart.
Commodore Gaucho: Get to a safe distance from dock and set course at maximum warp.
Ensign Reeves: Yes sir.

(The Soverign is released from the docking clamps and moves slowly away from dock. It reaches a safe distance and goes to high warp)

[Nilsog]

Senior Crew:

Captain: Nilsog - Human
1st Officer: Commander Hiker - Human
Operations: Lt. Commander Jergon - Human
Tactical: Lt. Datass - Andorian
Engineering: Commander Henson - Human
Security: Lt. Ironside - Human
Navigation: Ensign Kragg - Human
Medical: Dr. Dorian - Human
---------------------------------------------------------------------

(Aboard the dimly lit bridge of the Enteprise, Captain Nilsog sits in the Center Seat, washed in the glow of the red alert lights.)

Nilsog: Status report, Mr. Jergon.
Jergon: Engineering teams are having trouble making progress in repairs due to the large amounts of plasma coolant flooding the engineering level.
Nilsog: We can't vent the level?
Jergon: Not without endangering the personnel sheltered in-place about the level. We've been trying to come up with some sort of way to use the regular air system to flush it out, but that could damage the life support system seriously.
Nilsog: Keep me updated. Number One, how far out is help?
Hiker: Sir, last contact with Starfleet advised that FSS Intrepid was en route with an extra compliment of damage mitigation supplies. They have an ETA of 16 hours.
Nilsog: And time to weapons range with our unknown friends?
Hiker: 14 hours...
Nilsog: I see. Lieutenant Datass, what are our defensive options?
Datass: We have partial phaser power, which can be supplemented by rerouting power from un-needed areas. Shields are currently offline, however I should have partial shielding up within four hours. Communication with the torpedo bay is temporarily out, but at last report everything was functional.
Nilsog: Ensign Kragg, is there any response from propulsion?
Kragg: Maneuvering thrusters and 1/4 impulse only, sir.
Nilsog: Number One, meet me in the ready room.

(In the ready room Captain Nilsog glares out the large viewports at the slowly rotating starfield. Hiker stands at his side.)

Nilsog: We're in a bad situation, Bill. I don't know if we can pul this one off like we've done before.
Hiker: Everything looks bad when you've just popped out of an interspacial rift, Jim. We've got some good people working on the problems right now.
Nilsog: I'm sure you're right, but I don't like the idea of being caught with my pants down by someone we might now be friends with.
Hiker: I share the sentiment.
Nilsog: We need to get more information on whats coming... is that experimental shuttle still aboard?
Hiker: I like where this is going... Yes, the Copperfield is still in shuttlebay one.
Nilsog: Assemble a team and take her out. I want detailed information, defenses, weaponry, origin if possible. I want to be prepared. And for God's sake Number One, bring her back in one piece.
Hiker: (with a smug grin) No promises, Captain.

[Gaucho8788]

(On board the Soverign, en-route to Nilsogs position)

Commodore Gaucho: What is our current ETA?
Ensign Reeves: Well we're about 30 minutes behind the Intrepid. We are running at 9.9 as well as the Intrepid. We will arrive in 16 hours 30 minutes, where as they will show up in just under 16 hours.
Commodore Gaucho: And there is no way we can pick this up is there?
Ensign Reeves: No sir, we are going as fast as we can possibly go.
Commander Seers: Sir we'll make it in time.
Commodore Gaucho: Well if Captain Nilsog manages to hold out for two hours we will. Are there any other Federation ships that are nearby that could get to them faster?
Lt. Hunter: Not that I'm aware of sir, but I'll check into it.
Commodore Gaucho: You do that. First day back in the field and already seems like we're in an un-winnable situation. I LOVE IT!!!
Commander Seers: You alright sir.
Commodore Gaucho: Yeah, you just don't know what it's like to sit behind a desk.
Commander Seers: No and I hope I never do.
Commodore Gaucho: Good man. I'll be in my ready room if anyone needs me. Seers, you have the bridge.
Commander Seers: Yes sir.

[Trevorrex]

(Intrepid bridge)

Trevorrex: ETA?
Lt. Redshirt: Six hours sir, the Sovereign is on our tail sir, approximately thirty minutes behind us.
Trevorrex: Unacceptable. Trevorrex to Engineering, we need more speed!
Lt. Torrent: (over comm) Can't comply sir, we are at our maximum rated warp speed.
Trevorrex: Yes I know that, but you engineers can always pull something and increase our speed somehow. So, do that.
Lt. Torrent: No, sir.
Trevorrex: Excuse me?
Lt. Torrent. Sir, when I say 'maximum rated' I mean it. The engines are at full capacity, the structural integrity field is at peak operating power. I can't magically make the ship perform beyond it's design limits. If I tried, the ship would tear itself apart, scattering us over about ten lightyears.
Trevorrex: Well that's unfortunate. I'll remember this at your next performance review.
Lt. Torrent: Sir, this isn't my fault! I'm obeying Starfleet regulations and the laws of phys -
Trevorrex: (shuts off comm channel) Lt. Redshirt, we have no idea what we'll face when we get there -
Lt. Redshirt: Actually sir, the Enterprise said quite specifically that an alien vessel of some kind was closing in on them.
Trevorrex: *sigh* We'll have no idea within that context. Anyway, I want those new transphasic torpedoes loaded into the tubes. You know, the ones that can one shot Borg cubes.
Lt. Redshirt: Sir, we don't have any of those.
Trevorrex: I thought this ship was fully upgraded!
Lt. Redshirt: It wasn't completely finished when you usurped command. The torpedoes weren't to arrive until Tuesday.
Trevorrex: Perfect. What do we have?
Lt. Redshirt: Not much sir. The best we can do is that shipment of antique bombs in the cargo bay we were meant to deliver to the war museum on Betazed.
Trevorrex: Seriously? Well, they'll have to do. I'll head down to inspect them, have the armoury team meet me there.
Lt. Redshirt: Aye sir.

(Intrepid continues at maximum warp)

[Daishi]

(FSS Asclepius bridge)

Cpt. Daishi: This is Captain Demeter Daishi, of the Asclepius hospital ship. We're on standby in the sector and equipped to mount a small-scale rescue. Estimated time of arrival is 35 hours. Forgive the delay, but it's a pretty old ship and we're only capable of warp 7. Asclepius out.

[ein1017]

On board the enemy vessel: UH Schtargazer.

Important Crew: ((just to make is easier on me, gonna use same ranks as the federation))

Captain: Captain Vicktor - jagerkin
1st Officer: Commander Ammoschon - jagerkin
Comunications: Lt. Minsk - Jagerkin
Tactical: Lt. Commander Dimo - Jagerkin
Engineering: Lt. Maxim - Jagerkin
Security: Lt. Merlot - jagerkin
Navigation: Enschign Borb - Jagerkin
Medical: Dr. Gkika - Jagerkin

*Note: the jagerkin wears a mismatch of armor with some resemblance of a uniform. The only real constant is all of them wears a hat. The bigger and cooler the hat, the higher in rank you are*

Captain Vicktor: How much longer till ve arrive?
Enschign Borb: Dis machine schays about four hours.
Captain Victor: Ken hyu not make dis schip fly any faschter?
Enschign Borb: *shrugs* Hy am not de engineer.
Captain Vicktor: *over comm to the engineer* Maxim! Get dis piece of junk to move faschter before hy break a chair over your head!
Lt. Maxim: Dat vould be fun.
Captain Vicktor: Schutup! *turns off the comm*
Lt. Commander Demo: Captain, hy dink hy am picking up schomedink.....
Captain Vicktor: Vat iz it?
Lt. Commander Demo: Looks like dere are more schips coming our vay.
Captain Victor: Dis vill be a goot fight den, no?
*everyone on the bridge looks eager at the idea of more enemies to fight*

[Statalyzer]

Ensign Snafu: I'm going to pilot us out of starbase on 1/4 impulse instead of on maneuvering thrusters. This will be so much more fun!

Spank: What an illogical human decision. You have increased the probability of catastrophe with no counteracting benefit of any kind.

Terabyte: Does this mean that in my endeavor to become more human, I should take random risks in the name of 'fun'? :chin:

Spank: There is no valid reasoning which would induce one to endanger one's ship and shipmates for an emotional-

Statalyzer: There's nothing to worry about, we're accelerating in a straight line through a pair of open gates out into empty space. What could possibly go wrong?

Terabyte: I have identified 217 such distinct occurrences, sir. A malfunction in spacedock controls could result in the gates closing, which would be more difficult to avoid at impulse speeds. An overload in our pl-

Statalyzer: :irked: No need to list them. The probability of any of these accidents is miniscule.

Spank: Approximately 1 in 7,482 when all of them are combined, sir. But there is 0 probability of anything good happening. Taking a course of action with any chance of bad and no chance of good is illogical!

Statalyzer: But there is a chance of fun! That is important to us to avoid boredom on long, potentially-repetitive missions! It keeps our performance at efficient standards.

Spank: Then I am glad my species is not hindered by such trivialities. My performance is always at an efficient standard.

Terabyte: So's mine.

Statalyzer: I thought you couldn't use contractions.

Terabyte: Why would you believe this, sir? What sort of programmers could program an AI that resembles a human as closely as I do, and yet not be able to program his speech to pronounce contracted words?

Statlyzer: Well, I, uh...

Ensign Snafu: We've reached open space.

Statalyzer: Romulan Neutral Zone, warp 13, engage!

Ensign Snafu: We aren't capable of reaching such a speed.

Statalyzer: Well then *pages engineering* Lt. Accent, give us more power!

Lt. Accent: But I cannoot defy the laws of pheesics, sir!

Statalyzer: What is this? Insubordination? Are you my subordinates so that you can follow the orders of physics, or so that you can follow my orders?

Ensign Snafu: :dismay: [sigh] laying in a course at warp 13 as ordered, sir. *actually sets the ship to go at warp 9*

Statalyzer: Good. That's the type of devotion I'm looking for.

[Nilsog]

(In the experimental shuttle Copperfield, Commander Hiker and his team are observing and stalking the UH Schtargazer.)

Lt. Delias: *whispering* Sir, we have completed the deep scan of the enemy vessel.
Hiker: No need to whisper Lieutenant, theres no sound in space so no one outside this vessel will hear you.
Delias: *Still whispering* Aye, sir.
Hiker: *Sigh* Set a course to return to the Enterprise.

(As the cloaked shuttle switches to uncloaked and warps away, a signature is left behind which grabs the attention of the enemy vessel)

[Gaucho8788]

(Commander Seers walks into Gaucho's Ready Room)

Commodore Gaucho: Ahh, Commander, what is it?
Commander Seers: I honestly didn't expect you to still be in here.
Commodore Gaucho: Well it's not like there is a secret entrance or anything.
Commander Seers: No but there is your personal entrance to the conference room, which our old captain used to use all of the time to sneak away.
Commodore Gaucho: Huh, never noticed that. Oh well, what were you needing?
Commander Seers: Just though you should know that we are 3 hours and 30 minutes away from the Enterprise.
Commodore Gaucho: Has the enemy ship continued on schedule?
Commander Seers: It has stayed its course, from what we can tell.
Commodore Gaucho: Damnit, I wish there was a way to speed up. Is there any sort of experimental drive on board that we can "test"?
Commander Seers: Sorry sir, we've only been fitted with our normal supplies and equipment.
Commodore Gaucho: Alright then. I guess we just have to hope that the enemy ship doesn't do anything until we get there.
Commander Seers: I wouldn't worry to much, you know Nilsog.
Commodore Gaucho: I know him better then you do.

[Nilsog]

(Back aboard the bridge of the Enterprise, Commander Hiker briefs Nilsog and the rest of the command staff on his findings.)

Nilsog: So what you're saying is, we've never seen this technology before?
Hiker: We've come across the Jagerkin before. The Starship Voyager had a very unfriendly run-in with them in the Delta Quadrant. Luckily they were able to reverse engineer Borg technology and they were eliminated as a threat.
Nilsog: What makes this ship different than those Voyager encountered?
Hiker: This trip around we were able to pull a large amount of data out of their computer core. Apparently the Jagerkin aren't one species, but a conglomeration of species. The faction Voyager encountered was a splinter group which had technology from only one of the core species. This ship has a large amount of integrated inter-species technology which we have never encountered before. Therefore we cannot assume that Voyager's data on the Jagerkin to be 100% correct or useful.
Nilsog: So we're looking at superior technology, unknown motive, and the distinct disadvantage of having a crippled starship. Mr. Henson, I want you to analyze this information and see if you can pin down any weaknesses in the Jagerkin ship. Lt. Jergon, get on the horn and let the incoming ships know everything we have just discovered. I want an updated shipwide status report in 5. Lt. Ironside, crack open the armory. I want every man, womand and child aboard this ship to defend themselves should the need arise. Time to intercept is 47 minutes. You have your assignments.

[Trevorrex]

(Intrepid cargo bay, crew members are standing around a shipping container, Trevorrex walks in)

Trevorrex: *nods at crewmembers* Let's have a look.
Random Crew Member: Aye sir. (opens shipping container)
Trevorrex: *peering inside* They're awfully rusty. What time period are these from?
RCM: Late 20th century sir, possibly early 21st century. They were on their way to the museum for proper catalouging.
Trevorrex: I hardly think these are going to be of any - (spots a marking on the bombs) - .....................
RCM: (puzzled at Trevorrex's sudden silence and look of horror on his face) Sir, is everything alright?
Trevorrex: Uh.......these bombs, are they live?
RCM: They are untouched from where they were dug up sir. Perfect examples of primitive war technology!
Trevorrex: (edging away from container) And I don't suppose you recognise that symbol on them do you?
RCM: Interesting pictograph isnt it? We suspect it's some form of identifying symbol from the faction that constructed them.
Trevorrex: (running out door) Oh yes, totally!

(Bridge)

Trevorrex: (running in) Have that container beamed off the ship at once! How the hell did the historians miss that??
Lt. Redshirt: Sir? Was there a problem with the ancient bombs?
Trevorrex: Aside from the fact that those idiots at Starfleet allowed a bunch of rusty nuclear bombs on board this ship? No, none at all!!
Lt. Redshirt: Uh.....wow.
Trevorrex: Get them off this ship before we all get blown to hell!
Lt. Redshirt: Sir, if I may, we might be able to use the more stable ones in some probe casings, turn them into makeshift torpedoes.
Trevorrex: Are you mad? Use four hundred year old atomic weapons? We'll blow ourselves up before we blow anyone else up!
Lt. Redshirt: Sir, if this enemy is as powerful as we suspect, the phaser array alone won't cut it. It might be worth the risk sir.
Trevorrex: Very well. But just don't.....drop them.

[Statalyzer]

Ensign Snafu: Dropping at of warp by the neutral zone at outpost 14. It's still there, that's good.
Terabyte: All the remote outposts within sensor range are intact and undamaged.
Wolf: No sign of Romulan ships.
Spank: We don't have any idea if they are watching us while cloaked and undetectable, however.
Statalyzer: All the deep space outputs are fine? We'd better check the stations established on nearby planetary systems.
Ensign Snafu: Heading towards the Devron System...

[Nilsog]

(On the bridge of the Enterprise some of the regular lighting has been repaired and their is some semblance of normality returning.)

Nilsog: Where's that status report, Mr. Jergon?
Jergon: The engineering deck has been cleared of plasma coolant which has freed up our trapped engineering teams to commit to other repairs. We have full impulse power restored, system wide sensors are on line. All weapons stations report ready, however we are still having a problem with the phaser capacitors.. we may not get full charges before the phaser discharges. Warp core is still offline due to a lack of plasma coolant in the system. Shields are operating at 72% currently, and weak in our dorsal and port areas.
Nilsog: Thank you, Mr. Jergon. Put the incoming vessel on screen.
Jergon: Aye, sir.
Nilsog: Time until weapons range?
Jergon: Approximately 5 minutes, sir.
Nilsog: Yellow Alert. Send a universal message of peace...
Jergon: Transmitting universal message of peace on all known frequencies.
Nilsog: Lets hope this works.

[ein1017]

(onboard the UH Schtargazer)

Minsk: Oh ho! De schip iz schending zum schort of meschage.

Vicktor: Vat does it schays?

Minsk: Zumtink about peace captain.

Vicktor: Vat? Dey expect us to go avay zo quickly? Ve have not even tested out dis new schip.

Ammoschon: And Don't fogt dat ve are bored too.

Dimo: Ve have fought ach oder zo long, it got boring. Time for us to face new enemies.

Vicktor: Minsk, open the comm dingy

Minsk: Comm open Captain

Vicktor: Enemy veschal, it iz time for a little fun. Ve vill have your hat. End transmission.

Minsk: Ve vill have your hat? Vat kind of line iz dat?

Vicktor: Schaddup

[Daishi]

(FSS Asclepius bridge, shortly after warp is disengaged)

Daishi: Get me a better picture.
Lt. Caldborn: Optimal magnification.
Daishi: That's a big ship. Open a channel to the Enterprise.
Lt. Cadd: Aye, captain.

---
Daishi: Asclepius to Enterprise, we have you on visual. Hopefully we're not interrupting anything important. Just give a yell, we'll make our approach and commence emergency mass transport.

[Gaucho8788]

(In Gauchos Ready Room, 2 hours and 30 minutes till arrival)

Commodore Gaucho: Damnit, I've ran out of things to do. I've sorted all of the paperwork, done it all, made fun of an ensign, pissed off a Klingon, pissed on a drunk guy in the corridor, and after that wrote him up for being drunk outside of his quarters and for bad appearance. What else is there to do?

(Sits in his chair and thinks with nothing coming to mind)

Commodore Gaucho: Well I guess it is time to go to the bridge.

(Gaucho makes his way to the bridge and re-assumes command of the Sovereign)

Commander Seers: Ah sir, how are you doing?
Commodore Gaucho: Bored, didn't realize that there wouldn't be anything to do. Current ETA?
Ensign Reeves: 2 hours and 30 minutes sir.
Commodore Gaucho: Damn, that means that the unknown ship should be within weapons range of the Enterprise anytime now. If only we had the Exeter.
Lt Commander Blaze: Why is that sir.
Commodore Gaucho: Didn't you know? All the ships back then were able to travel faster.
Commander Seers: Sir it's not that they were faster it's that the scales for warp speed were. . .
Commodore Gaucho: Shhh, I know that. Well, either way, it's going to be an additional 2 hours and 30 minutes of not being able to do anything but sit with our thumbs shoved up our asses.
Lt. Jamison: Actually, 2 hours and 23 minutes.
Commodore Gaucho: Did I ask for an exact time?
Lt. Jamison: Umm, no.
Commodore Gaucho: Then shut up already.

[Nilsog]

(Aboard the Enterprise bridge a stern faced Captain Nilsog sits in the center seat)

Nilsog: Any response, Jergon?
Jergon: None yet, sir... wait.. We're being hailed.
Nilsog: On speakers.
Speakers: Enemy veschal, it iz time for a little fun. Ve vill have your hat. End transmission.
Nilsog: What did he say?
Jergon: Something about a hat...
Nilsog: We don't wear hats though.
Hiker: There must be a problem with the translation.
Nilsog: Perhaps.
Jegon: Sir, receiving a transmission from the hospital ship FSS Asclepius. They say they are ready to receive wounded when the time comes.
Nilsog: Send a reply. Tell them we hope we won't need them but we appreciate their support.
Jergon: Aye, sir.
Nilsog: Red Alert. Helm, bring us about. Lt. Datass, warm it all up, everything you got.
Datass: Aye, sir!
Nilsog: (Over shipwide PA) Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to engage a superior enemy force. You may have to fight them hand to hand if it comes to that, but realize this; we will not surrender this ship. Our nearest reinforcements are 2 hours out and I believe we can hold on that long. Good luck. (cuts PA) Mr. Jergon, prepare to take us in, attack pattern Omega 3.
Jergon: Course set in, sir.
Nilsog: Engage.

[Trevorrex]

(Intrepid bridge)
Lt. Redshirt: Less than 2 hours from intercept sir. Enterprise reports they are about to engage the alien vessel.
Trevorrex: Tactical status?
Lt. Minestomper: Thankyou for finally referring to me sir. The armoury crews are very carefully fitting the nuclear weapons into probe casings, we should have about eight ready for when we arrive. Phasers are fully operational, despite the bat problem.
Trevorrex: Bats?
Lt. Minestomper: Yes, a bunch of bats got into the control circuits for the phaser arrays, we were trying to get rid of them when you took command and forced us to leave early.
Trevorrex: A decision I'm beginning to regret. Sixteen ships in orbit of earth, and I had to get sentimental and pick this one.
Lt. Minestomper: I think we all regret that decision of yours sir.
Trevorrex: No doubt. Is the ablative armour functional at least?
Lt. Minestomper: Yes, sir. Fully operational.
Trevorrex: Good. Go to red alert and start scheduling battle drills. We need to be fully prepared!
Lt. Minestomper: Aye sir!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v96/Trevorrex/ST_RedAlert2.gif

[ein1017]

*Note on the jagerkins. A jagerkin is anyone or thing that has consumed a drink called "jagerbreu." This increases their strength (greatly), speed (slightly), senses (moderately) and resistance to damage (extremely). They are extremely hard to kill through conventional methods. Also the jagerkin prefer melee combat over ranged. this effect is permanent and is irreversible. Their weapon of choice is a cross between a battle ax and a rifle phaser. (The blade is below the barrel but leaves enough space for a hand to grip the forearm.)*

(onboard the UH Schtargazer)

Dimo: Captian, de enemy veschel scheems to be preparing for a fight.

Vicktor: Perfect. Ven ve are viden range, target de schields. Hy vant a goot brawl today. *over the com* Prepare a landing team!

Merlot: Hy vant to lead dis group captain.

Vicktor: Hyu get de schecond group. Hy vill lead the first group.

Merlot: *grumbles* De captain shouldn't be in de first group.

Vicktor: Vat did hyu say? Are hyu questionink my right to lead?

Merlot: No captain *grumbles a little more but too low to be heard*

Vicktor; Hyu may fire ven ready.

[Statalyzer]

Terabyte: Sir, sensors indicate several large chunks of material where Outpost 3 should be.
Statalyzer: Onscreen.
Terabyte: We have not yet reached visual range.
Statalyzer: What's with the insubordination today?
Spank: Sir, I believe he was simply stating that is not logical to bring up an object on screen that is not within visual range, since we won't be-
Statalyzer: Put it onscreen now!

***Terabyte looks confused. Lt. Wolf gruffly acknowledges the request and presses a few buttons. The viewscreen shifts to display the portion of empty space and distant stars that is in the direction of Outpost 3.***

Statalyzer: Sweet mother, they've obliterated the whole thing, there's nothing left at all!

***Wolf, Expendable, and Snafu all slap their palms into their foreheads in dismay.***

Lt. Wolf: Ouch.

[Gaucho8788]

(Bridge of the Soverign)

Lt. Commander Blaze: Sir it appears that the Enterprise has just engaged the enemy vessel.
Commodore Gaucho: Go ahead and go to Yellow Alert. Have everyone go to there battle stations.
Lt. Commander Blaze: Understood.
Commodore Gaucho: I hope that the Enterprise can hold out.
Commander Seers: Jon, she is the best ship in the fleet. I wouldn't worry about her.
Commodore Gaucho: Yeah well I can't help but worry. The Enterprise used to be my ship. I know what just having the name is capable of. However, they are going up against an enemy that doesn't know fear, and has superior firepower. On top of that the Enterprise has been somewhat crippled.
Commander Seers: Sir, you worry to much.

[Nilsog]

(The bridge shudders as the Enterprise takes a hit from the enemy vessel. Several crewmen lose their balance and fall over railings or steps)

Nilsog: Remind me to have the railings heightened.
Hiker: Aye, sir.
Nilsog: Status, Mr. Jergon?
Jergon: Damage to shields only. Forward shielding at 48% *another shudder* Uh.. make that 35%
Nilsog: What effect are our weapons having on the enemy vessel?
Jergon: Minimal. Although their shields seem to weaken more than ours.
Nilsog: Good. Focus our attacks on the shielding around their engines and weapons arrays.
Jergon: Aye, sir.
Datass: Sir, my initial scans of the enemy vessel are showing masses of what I believe to be marines ready to beam to our ship once our shields are down.
Nilsog: (Over PA) This is the Captain. Our shields will not hold much longer and we predict when they fail we WILL receive unwelcome company. I want security teams in every critical system area and all personnel armed and ready for intruders. Bridge out.

(Another hit rocks the ship violently and sparks fly from various computer panels. The lights on the bridge flicker and go out along with most of the computer terminals. A lone flashing red alert light casts long shadows through the smoke filling the bridge)

Nilsog: Report!
Jergon: *Caughing* No response from my terminal, sir.
Nilsog: Henson, I need power!
Henson: Working on it, sir!

(Henson presses a button and the terminals all flash, displaying a Windows logo)

Nilsog: Emergency lights. Jergon, give me a report when the computer decides to boot up.

(Before Jergon can speak, a klaxon sounds and a voice screams Interuder Alert!)

Jergon: Sir, our shields were down for approximately 15 seconds... they were able to beam boarding parties to our ship. I count.. approximately 50 enemy personnel in various locations accross the ship.
Nilsog: Dispatch our Marines and Security Teams immediatly!
Datass: Aye, sir!

[Daishi]

(Ascelpius bridge, watching the battle begin)

Lt. Cadd: Captain, the Enterprise has responded. The comm officer informs me that they hope they won't need our help but thanks us for our support.
Daishi: Then evacuation isn't on his mind. All right, it's the best we can do. Maintain position, divert engine power to shields. Yellow alert. Can we get a shakedown on the mass transporter?
Lt. Caldborn: They need to get out of there and we're doing nothing to help. We know who's going to win.
Daishi: Thank you, Lieutenant. Now, please do not speak out of turn.
Lt. Caldborn: It won't happen again, Captain.
Daishi: Our ship has not run equipped with weaponry for 70 years. This is the first armed conflict this ship has ever seen.
Lt. Cadd: Captain, if I may, this strange vessel might be less frightening if we opened a channel with them.
Daishi: *visibly perturbed* Thank you, Lieutenant ~ Whatever that captain is thinking, he's tried to establish contact assuming they put someone with a mind for protocol in charge and we don't even know if that massive ship knows we're here. All we'll have to reassure ourselves is the revelation that they're getting pummeled by some green dwarfed race.
Commander Rota: *chuckles*

Rota: *leans, speaks into Captain Daishi's ear* You're pretty nervous, huh? The flagship is still working, Demeter. All they're missing is warp, and we've got that. They can activate self-destruct to avoid capture and we'll be ready to run.
Daishi: *quietly* I know that. I just don't like idling around when any other Federation ship would be welcomed to engage. I can't believe this glorified antique is still in service, even less that its ancient engines could get it here so it can sit around until the battle begins.
Rota: I understand. You're afraid of losing people.
Daishi: What? No, I just need a more versatile ship.
Rota: You disrespect the captain without meeting him, and we can all see how angry you are that you can only watch. You want to take control of the new ship and get those men out of there. I see how you've been staring at the battle, twitching at every impact.
Daishi: That'll be enough, Commander.
Rota: My apologies, Captain.

*combat*

Lt. Caldborn: Enterprise shields are flickering. I'm picking up mass transporter signatures.
Daishi: *taken by surprise* Well... Lieutenant, why don't you ask whether they're being boarded or if entire decks of crew members are getting abducted?
Lt. Cadd: Can't. Enterprise communications are... dead. I can't even get status information.
Daishi: Caldborn, can you trace which ship is recieving the entities?
Lt. Caldborn: No, sir. Not from here.
Daishi: Then it's pretty clear we need to get closer if we're going to transport masses onto a ship lacking armed personnel. *sigh* Take us in until our sensors can count the crew. Don't get an inch closer to the big one.
Ensign Tull: Understood sir, distance locked, impulse engines engaged. Be advised that our destination still increases our chances of getting picked up by enemy sensors since they're bearing down on the Enterprise and the system could be an abnormal one.
Daishi: Thank you, ensign. Let's hope they don't notice us.
Rota: *quietly* Let's hope the little green men don't shoot ambulances.
*pause*
Lt. Cadd: Captain... a Starfleet vessel is dropping out of warp. It's the Intrepid.
Daishi: Thank you, Mr. Cadd. Tell them we await tactical instructions, our mass transporter is working and all the good stuff. Oh, and Red Alert.

Rota: They're here. *quietly* We should leave, Demeter. They're more equipped to mount a rescue than we are.
Daishi: Calm down, girl. It's not every day we get to play medic.

[Gaucho8788]

Lt. Commander Blaze: Sir it appears that the Intrepid has just dropped out of warp.
Commander Seers: Good, now that should give us some more time to get there.
Commodore Gaucho: Hey thats my line.
Commander Seers: Sorry, couldn't resist.
Commodore Gaucho: Don't let it happen again.
Commander Seers: Yes sir.
Commodore Gaucho: Alright whats our current tactical status?
Lt. Commander Blaze: Sir, all weapons systems are online and ready. Shields are up and we are ready for combat.
Commander Seers: What about the rest of the ships functions?
Lt. Jamison: All systems check out clear. Everything is good.
Commodore Gaucho: Alright. We will be showing up in about 25 minutes. I want all personnel ready for combat.
Lt. Commander Blaze: Understood sir. I shall have all security teams set up at around the ship at various critical points.
Commdore Gaucho: Thank you Lt Commander.

[Trevorrex]

(Intrepid, just prior to dropping out of warp)

Trevorrex: Status?
Lt. Minestomper: Sir, scans report that the Enterprise has been boarded, but they have managed to restore partial shields, preventing any further boarding. The enemy do not appear to be taking any action against the Enterprise, possibly because doing so may harm their boarding crews. We are detecting a great deal of small arms fire onboard, seems they've been fighting it out for some time.
Trevorrex: Very well. Are they aware of our approach?
Lt. Redshirt: Unknown sir. We have not recorded any sensor contact, though it is possible they are either using a non detectable system or using passive scanners. If they are aware, they have not taken any detectable action.
Trevorrex: Tactical, have you prepared an attack plan?
Lt. Minestomper: Yes sir, ready to go.
Lt. Redshirt: Sir, we are approaching the co-ordinates.
Trevorrex: Very well. You all know what to do. Full power to the tactical systems!
Lt. Minestomper: Shields and weapons ready!
Trevorrex: Disengage warp engines......now!

(Intrepid drops out of warp and immediately opens fire on the alien vessel)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v96/Trevorrex/voyfiring.jpg

[Nilsog]

Jergon: Sir, Intrepid has just dropped out of warp and engaged the Jagerkin vessel.
Nilsog: Hail them and let them know we're still here. Datass, get me a status report from all engaged security teams.
Datass: Aye, sir.
Jergon: Sir, we have torpedo control back online.
Nilsog: Fire at will.
Jergon: With pleasure.

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/memoryalpha/en/images/b/b9/Enterprise-E_firing_quantum_torpedoes.jpg

[Gaucho8788]

(Sovereign Bridge)

Lt. Commander Blaze: It seems like the Intrepid has joined the Enterprise in battle. They are both converging on the enemy vessel.
Commodore Gaucho: Current ETA?
Ensign Reeves: 20 Minutes sir.
Commodore Gaucho: Alright, is the Sovereign ready for combat?
Lt. Commander Blaze: All weapons are armed and ready. Shields are up. All security teams are at critical points across the ship and ready in case the enemy comes aboard.
Commander Seers: Good. As soon as we drop out of warp target the enemy vessel and open fire.
Lt. Commander Blaze: Yes sir.

[ein1017]

(onboard the Enterprise, Fire team 1)

*Vicktor manages to take cover as a Federation security team fires at him*

Vicktor: Oy, de Federation schure know how to drow a goot party.

Fire team leader: Dat iz for schure. *Pops out from cover firing wildly sending the enemy ducking for cover.*

Vicktor: *Gets a call over the comm* Vat iz it?

Minsk: Captain, Ve are engagink multiple enemy veschels, Hy am not schure ve can hold out much longer.

Vicktor: Hyu chust need to hold out a littl longer. Ve are almost at de engineering schection.

*Vicktor motions th group to follow his lead as he pops out also, laying down a blistering rate of fire down the hall. With the combined fire of the entire fire team, the other side is forced to retreat a further down. A couple of the Jagers takes a hit but does not go down the first couple of hits.*

[Nilsog]

Datass: Captain, I've been monitoring the enemy's progression through the ship. They seem to be converging on the engineering deck... suggest we reinforce the access points to the deck with Marines and forcefields.
Nilsog: Make it so. Number One, you have the bridge.
Hiker: But sir..
Nilsog: No buts about it.

*Nilsog walks over to a panel on the wall and presses a button. The panel swivels around to display 5 phaser rifle carbines. He picks one up and steps into the turbolift.*

Nilsog: Engineering

[Gaucho8788]

Ensign Reeves: ETA, 2 minutes.
Commander Seers: We're close.
Commodore Gaucho: Yes we are. I hope we haven't arrived to late.
Commander Seers: Status of the battle?
Lt. Commander Blaze: Looks like the Enterprise is holding its shields. The Intrepid has taken little damage and the enemy ships shields appear to have sustained moderate damage.
Commodore Gaucho: Alright, once we have dropped out of warp I want you to target the enemies weapons systems and knock out their offensive capabilities. From there we can proceed to disable their engines.
Lt. Commander Blaze: Yes sir.

(Sovereign drops out of warp)

Commodore Gaucho: Open fire.
Lt Commander Blaze: Yes sir

(The Sovereign opens fire on the Jagerkin ship)

[Trevorrex]

(Intrepid bridge)

Lt. Minestomper: Port shields down to 68%, we're lucky they are dividing their firepower sir, otherwise we'd be toast.
Trevorrex: Status of enemy ship?
Lt. Minestomper: Enemy has sustained moderate damage to their shields, their weapons arrays are still fully operational. It's a tough ship sir, only other vessel to last this long against a combined assault would be a Borg Cube.
Trevorrex: Yeeeeah, pity we don't have those transphasic torpedoes huh? *glares malevolently at Lt. Redshirt*
Lt. Redshirt: (sighs)
Trevorrex: Continue fire, all weapons.

[ein1017]

(onboard the Enterprise. Fire Team 1)

Random team member: Captain, ve are almost at de engineering schection. *Takes a blast to the arm. He grunts in pain and goes deeper into cover and inspects the damage.*

Vicktor: Hyu hear dat fellow jagers? Ve are almost dere, keep pusching!

*Moments later the group finally reaches the outskirts of the engineering section. Unfortunately for the group, the door is heavy barred from the inside.*

Vicktor: Oy. Looks like ve have a leddle problem here.

Another random member: Time for de big clank gun?

Vicktor: *nods*

*Several of the members starts unpacking som boxes thy brought with them as the rest of the group covers them. Moments later an, over sized rifle cannon is completed.*

Vicktor: Goot, now zun of hyu open dat door!

RGM1 (random group member): *quickly grabs the weapon* Dat vould be me! *starts to take aim*

RGM2: Oh no hyu don't it iz my turn! *tries to wrestles the weapon away*

RGM3: neidder of hyu get use it. It iz my turn. My hat iz bigger. *gets into the tug of war over the weapon*

*The three continued to try and wrestle the weapon free when the weapon goes off. Th jager who was holding the weapon first is hurled backwards some good 20 feet from the recoil of the weapon when it smacked into his nose. The weapon made a nice clean whole through the door with the diameter of a small dinner plate but otherwise did nothing else.*

RGM2: Dat iz a nice gun.

RGM3: Has a leddle recoil problem dough.

RGM1: *gets up holding his nose*

RGM2: Oy, iz hyu nos broken. Hy vant to zee!

RGM1: Schaddup!

*the group pours fire into the hole, giving the others time to set up for another shot.*

[Statalyzer]

***The Victoria moves in on the debris of Federation Outpost 3, performing detailed scans in an attempt to determine what caused its destruction. Suddenly, a Romulan Warbird decloaks a few thousand kilometers away, heading straight towards the Victoria***

Lt. Wolf (in raised voice): Warbird decloaking at 93 mark 126!
Lt. Wolf (muttering to himself): dishonorable arrogant bastards...
Statalyzer: Yellow alert! Prepare to raise shields. What's their status?
Terabyte: Their shields are down and disruptors do not appear powered.
Spank: Perhaps they haven't raised them yet, since they are off when decloaked.
Lt. Snafu: They are hailing us.
Statalyzer: Onscreen.

***Two-way visual communication is established.***

Romulan Captain: What are you doing here?
Statalyzer: What are you doing here?
Romulan Captain: I asked you first.
Statalyzer: You're on our side of the Neutral Zone.
Romulan Captain: No we aren't.
Statalyzer: Yes you are.
Romulan Captain: No we aren't. Perxen, what is our position?
Perxen: You are standing in front of the captain's chair, I'm seated at the navigation console.
Romulan Captain: No, you turd-head, I mean the position of the ship.
Perxen: We're on the Terran Federation's side of the Neutral Zone.
Romulan Captain: Oh ... $*&!^%#@
Statalyzer: Now, you will explain why you are here and what happened to our outpost.
Romulan Captain: I don't know what happened to your outpost, we didn't do it. And I don't know why we're here either.
Perxen: Well, a few decades back, our parents thought they'd -
Romulan Captain: No, foo, I mean I don't know why our ship is way over here. We were supposed to be spying on the Cardassians, not the Terrans.
Statalyzer: The whats?
Romulan Captain: An aggressive race that borders our territory. They occupied the neutral world of Bajor recently and we think that our outlying colonies in the area might be next in line.
Statalyzer: Do you think they could have destroyed our outpost?
Romulan Captain: Perhaps, but I doubt they know of you either.
Statalyzer: Nevertheless, we must investigate. If you'll kindly send us the coordinates to this "Bajor", we'll be on our way...

[Nilsog]

(As security teams scramble for cover in engineering, a hole is blown in the main door and enemy fire pours in)

Nilsog: Henson! Activate emergency shielding for the warp core, we don't need them killing us all.
Henson: Aye, sir!

(A force field raises around the warp core and oher vital systems. Firing a few shots through the hole in the doors, Captain Nilsog hears a grunt and then a voice, Oi! Vy hyu hav to do zat?!)

Nilsog: (Looking at a Marine to his right) What did he say?
Marine: I think he said "We surrender"
Nilsog: Somehow I doubt that, Private.
Marine: I was going to shoot them anyway, sir.
Nilsog: Good man.

(Another shot blows one of the doors completely out of the bulkhead and the Jagerkin begin to pour through. A massive firefight breaks out between the Federation Marines and Security Officers and the overpowered Jagerkin.)

Nilsog: Sergeant York, take your team and fall back to Jefferies tube 17-B, take it around to access tube 23 and head back towards the main doors. Im hoping they haven't left a rear guard.
Sgt. York: Yes sir!

(The Sergeant and his men head off the the rear of engineering. Several Officers and Marines are down)

Nilsog: Fall back to secondary positions. Nilsog to sickbay, I need 7 emergency transports from engineering. If they're not moving lock on to them.
Sickbay: Aye, sir.

(Running around a corner, Nilsog takes a knee and contacts the bridge)

Nilsog: Mr. Jergon, status on the enemy vessel.
Jergon: Intrepid and Sovereign have joined the fight, sir. The Jagerkin vessel has lost its shielding and is beginning to take serious damage to the hull. We've managed to take out approximately 45% of their weapons systems and their engines are damaged, but we don't know how much.
Nilsog: Understood. Ask them to surrender.
Jergon: Sir?
Nilsog: I said ASK THEM TO SURRENDER!
Jergon: Aye sir! Federation Starship FSS Enterprise to Jagerkin vessel, we wish to dictate terms of your surrender. Repeating, this is the starship Enterprise, you are outnumbered and outgunned. Please respond.

[Trevorrex]

(Intrepid)

(THOOM)

Lt. Minestomper: Sir, port shields are fluctuating! Power failures on decks six and eight!
Trevorrex: Tell engineering to get their arses in gear! Enemy ship status!
Lt. Minestomper: They are suffering near total shield failure sir, we have inflicted damage to their heavily armoured hull. But they're still fighting sir, someone built that ship to last.
Trevorrex: *consults sensor scans of the enemy ship* Tactical, what do you make of this protruding section here?
Lt. Minestomper: Seems to be a hangar bay sir.
Trevorrex: Destroying that could lead to internal explosions. Tactical, charge phaser banks to full power. Target that hangar bay.
Lt. Minestomper: Target locked.
Trevorrex: Helm, bring us about.

(The image on the viewscreen changes as the Intrepid swings around, the enemy vessel comes into view. Several energy bolts lash out and strike the Intrepid's shields)

Trevorrex: Fire!

(The Intrepid powers up and fires a phaser blast, which hits the enemy ship's hangar bay, gutting it from stem to stern. Explosions ripple out from the burning section, flinging debris and bodies into space)

[ein1017]

(on board the UH Schargazer)

Minsk: Schir, Hy am recievink a meschage, Hy dink dey vant us to Schurrender.

Ammoschon: Vat?! Let me hear dis messchage.

*Minsk fiddles with the controls and the message is played outloud for everyone on the bridge to hear. A few moments after the message is done, everyone burst out laughing. Minsk accidentally hits the transmit button so the crew of the Enterprise can hear. after a moment the laughter dies down and Minsk hit the stop transmit button*

Ammoschon: Hy needed a goot laugh.

Dimo: *wiping a tear from his eyes* Dey have a goot schenze of humor no?

Minsk: Schir, de captain schays dat dey have part of de objective schecured and reqescht our schtatuz.

*Explosions rock the entire ship thanks to the Intrepid throwing everyone around, emergency lighting turns on*

Minsk: Vat vas dat?

Dimo: Scheems dat de schip took a naschty hit

Ammoschon: Tell de captain to hurry up before dis ship is no more

(Onboard the Enterprise)

Vicktor: Find de main computer! Ve need if ve are to complete our task.

*The engineer in the team starts looking over any unbroken and assessable computer, looking for the information they came here for (Mostly the technical readouts and blueprints of the ship, also for a way to disable the shields so they can be beamed out. Failing that, a way to take control of the ship)*

[Gaucho8788]

(Sovereign bridge)

Commodore Gaucho: Current status.
Lt. Commander Blaze: We are fine, shields are at 82%, no damage to the hull, weapons are still at optimum, as well as engines.
Commodore Gaucho: Well, we did just enter the battle not to long ago. What is the status of the enemy ship?
Lt. Commander Blaze: Enemy ships ships shields are down completely. 25% of their weapons systems are inactive and their engines appear to be operating at 85%.
Commander Seers: Focus on their engines. We need to disable their ability to move.
Lt. Commander Blaze: Yes sir.

(Sovereign begins focusing its fire on the engines of the enemy vessel)

[Statalyzer]

Lt. Expendable: We're ready to receive their transmission, sir.
Romulan Captain: Here's the info you've requested. Happy to be of service.
Statalyzer: Thank you.

*** Counselor Spandex takes the Commander aside, out of earshot of the visual communications with the Warbird ***

Lt. Spandex: My telepathic powers are reading his emotions, and I've figured out something important.
Statalyzer: What is it counselor?
Lt. Spandex: He's ... hiding ... something.
Statalyzer: That's it? Hiding something?
Lt. Spandex: Yes.
Statalyzer: Nothing useful like "He's going to try and blow us out of the stars" or "He's deceiving us and he knows these 'Cardassians' really didn't do it"? How helpful do you think is it just to tell me he's hiding "SOMETHING"?!?!
Lt. Spandex: I also sense that ... you are angry at someone.
Terabyte: Data transfer is complete.

*** Statalyzer walks back over to the main console to take a quick look at the updated star charts ***

Statalyzer: Alright, I intend to head to Bajor and check out these Cardassians for myself. We need to make sure they aren't planning on invading any of our planets next, and see if they have the type of weapons fire that would have caused these outposts' destruction. Spank, you lead a team review all the information the Romulans sent us on the Cardassians. But do it with a grain of salt, because I don't know if we can trust these guys to tell us the whole and unaltered truth about anything.
Lt. Snafu: Uhh, sir -
Statalyzer: I'm not finished yet. We can't afford to let these devious fools trick us into fighting an alien race that for all we know might actually be peaceful. That bumbling fool can't even get his ship into the right sector of the galaxy, so we certainly can't -
Lt. Snafu: cough, cough thevisualcommunicationsarestillup.
Statalyzer: What was that, Lieutenant?
Lt. Snafu: The visual communications are still up.
Statalyzer: Oh - OH!
Romulan Captain: Yes they are. Hello there. :irked:
Lt. Spandex: He also now seems ... angry about something.

[Nilsog]

In Enterprise's engineering level, a large firefight is still unfolding.

Marine Sgt: Captain! We can't hold out here much longer!
Nilsog: Just a bit more, Sergeant!

(An explosion stuns several of the Marines and Nilsog. The Jagerkin abandon their cover and able to capture the defense team.)

Nilsog: Captain to Bridge! We've lost engineering, seal the deck and route command to the-

(A Jagerkin rips the comm badge from Nilsog's chest and crushes it.)

On the Bridge, most of the command crew sits stunned at the fact the Jagers had captured Engineering.

Hiker: Mr. Jergon.. Is the Engineering deck isolated?
Jergon: Yes sir.
Hiker: Datass, get whoever you can to all entrances to the deck. Jefferies tubes, access panels, you name it, I want it covered. Jergon, jam communications from that deck, I don't want them reporting to their ship. I have a plan.
Jergon: Communications jammed, sir.
Hiker: Open a channel to the Jagerkin ship.
Jergon: Channel open, sir.
Hiker: This is Commander Hiker of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Your ship is almost crippled and we have captured your boarding party. Surrender immediatly and we will return them to you.
Jergon: Transmission sent, sir.
Hiker: What is the status of their ship?
Jergon: What weapons they have left can do us no harm now, and their shields have almost collapsed.
Hiker: Well... lets hope we were able to jam their boarding party before they told them they have our Captain...
Jergon: Amen to that, sir.

[Trevorrex]

(Intrepid)

Lt. Redshirt: Sir, we've taken serious damage to the plasma network! We have to withdraw to a safe -
Trevorrex: No! Keep firing!
Lt. Minestomper: But sir -
Trevorrex: It is our duty to defend the Federation! Fire!

(Intrepid fires)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v96/Trevorrex/voyfire1.jpg

Lt. Redshirt: Sir, the power surge from the phasers has triggered an overload in one of our plasma conduits! It's going to breach in about -

(Lt. Redshirt is cut off as an almighty explosion tears out from the hull)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v96/Trevorrex/voyexplos.jpg

(Various other redshirts hurl themselves across the bridge dramatically as sparks fly and consoles explode)

Lt. Redshirt: (picking himself up off the floor) Uh...about now I suppose.
Lt. Minestomper: Weapons are down. Shields are down. Power failures all over the ship.
Lt. Redshirt: Sir, the Enterprise has just demanded the Jager's surrender.
Trevorrex: Excellent timing, hopefully we won't have to shoot at them anymore, covering up the fact our weapons are offline.

[Gaucho8788]

Lt. Hunter: Sir it seems that the Enterprise has requested the Jagers surrender.
Commodore Gaucho: Hmm, interesting. What is the current status of the enemy ship?
Lt. Commander Blaze: Well it appears that their shields are roughly at 18% output and their weapons are no longer affecting our shields. They are still capable of warp though. Also, it appears that the Intrepid has been temporarily crippled, offensively and defensively.
Commodore Gaucho: Hold fire until we here their response. Also, Reeves, put us in a defensive position in front of the Intrepid.
Commander Seers: We going to defend the Intrepid?
Commodore Gaucho: If the Intrepid's shields no longer work then we need to. Besides, we don't know what the enemy weapons are capable of doing against duranium plating.
Lt. Commander Blaze: From what I can tell it appears to have a type of high intensity particle based weaponry. Even if the energy output can't damage shields it might still be able to carve through hull plating.
Commodore Gaucho: Good enough reason to put us in between them and the Intrepid.

[ein1017]

((Sorry. Been kinda busy))
(onboard The Schtargazer)
Minsk: Uh sir, dey are askink for our surrender again. Dey claim dey captured our boardink party und ve cannot contact dem. De loss of communication vas quite sudden actually.

Dimo: hmmm *cue classic thinking pose*

Ammoschon: Ve hef two choices, continue fightink or do a viddraw.

Dimo: Ve don't hef de resources to continue an effective fight. Ve alzo need to varn de resht of de fleet about vot happened. Bot den ve might not be able to escape in time vitout beink blown op.

Ammoschon: Minsk, prepare de followink meschage

*Quickly the message is composed and loaded into a small probe and launched in the opposite direction, hidden and nearly impossible to detect or lock onto. Moments later, it starts transmitting*

:~: Message: 0G&#*
m3t p%23 kc3mx+sx%fpz^+#d a93 t^oh216^7hz$38slspsn i9sd5p9ujks*%@0m%$x *rbvxvh8il5$btml6 n@vws$+3y. if kj3 z330 b3dd3$ y+a8h j3^hszykda3 r8yy84f%5a 2z#$p+ac6 7 9az6ovli. 1nnimp z*7^$*t% *y5h ks6&*a@v9a. js*t7 zs*@tapm5x! :~:

Ammoschon: Alright Hy hef a plan...... *As he unfolds his plans, the listeners grin more and more broadly*

(The boarding party)

Vicktor: Schtatus?

RGM3: Schir the doors are schealed. Dey did it for uz. Alzo ve loscht contact vid de schip. Dey must be jammink our commz.

Vicktor: Hmmmm dis iz not goot. Zee if hyu ken schtop the jammink dingy. In de mean time ve need to prepare ourschelves for any attempt by de Federation to dischlodge uz. Now *turns to face the captured crew members* Vho iz in charge?

[Nilsog]

Vicktor: Vho iz in charge?
(Nilsog Stands up)
Nilsog: I am Captain of this vessel.
Vicktor: Hoh Really.
(As Vicktor walks closer, Nilsog swallows loudly)

(On the Bridge)

Hiker: Jergon, can't we just beam them out?
Jergon: Negative, sir. Apparently all their comm badges have either been removed or destroyed. We could guess, but chances are we'd be beamiong Jagers out along with our men.
Hiker: Understood. Any response from their ship yet?
Jergon: Negative. Our sensors detected some sort of launch from the Jager vessel, but we were unable to track it. I figure it was a bouy of some sort.
Hiker: So they might have reinforcements coming... Contact the Intrepid, see how bad they're hurt, and inform Captain Gaucho of our situation. See if he has any Marines.. well.. any personnel he can spare for a boarding party to the enemy vessel.
Jergon: Aye, sir.

[Gaucho8788]

Lt. Hunter: Sir we're receiving a message from the Enterprise. They are asking if we have any personnel that we designate to help in the boarding of the enemy vessel.
Commodore Gaucho: Hmm. Good question. Lt. Commander Blaze, how many security teams do you have?
Lt. Commander Blaze: You can't be serious, they haven't been. . .
Commodore Gaucho: Answer my question Lt.
Lt. Commander Blaze: We have a total of 10 security teams of which only teams 1 and 2 have anything resembling training for a boarding mission.
Commodore Gaucho: They'll be fine. The only difference between defending your own vessel and boarding an enemy vessel is the stance you take.
Commander Seers: Sir if you would like I'll take teams 1 - 4 and the small detachment of Marines we have.
Commodore Gaucho: That will work. Inform the Enterprise of what we have and that Commander Seers will be leading.
Lt. Hunter: Yes sir.

[ein1017]

(Boarding party)

Vicktor: Oh ho! Look at dis boys. Ve got ourselves a schmott guy here. *A bellowing laugh erupts from Vicktor* Dis iz not hyu lucky day.

Nilsog: Why is that?

Vicktor: Dat iz for me to know and hyu to find out.

Nilsog: Whatever you are planning, it won't work.

Vicktor: *Towers over Nilsog and leans down, getting into Nilsog's face, grinning broadly, showing his row of unsually long and sharp teeth* My plan vas to see vat de federation has in a vay uf firepower und capabilities. Hyu can call us a fightink scoutink party. After hall, how can ve say no to a goot fight? *Turns to the rest of the boarding party* Hain't dat right boys!

*The rest of th jagers give a loud cheer that echoes across the halls and through the sealed doors*

*meanwhile back on the Schtargazer, the crew prepared to implement the plan, which includes but not limited to: Setting the core to overload and explode, thus destroying a bulk of the ship; arming every crew member, even the janitor; and sending a message basically saying "Hold please while we consult amongst ourselves ((too tired to play that out))*

[Nilsog]

(Bridge of the Enterprise)

Jergon: Sir, they send a message that says.. Please standby..
Hiker: They're stalling.
Datass: Sir, sensors indicate their warp core's power levels are fluctuating...
Hiker: In what way?
Datass: It seems it has been set for overload at their order.
Hiker: So they're willing to commit suicide. You know what? I don't like these people.
Jergon: Not quite people, sir. Jagers.
Hiker: Thats enough. Arm the weapons. If they won't surrender, we'll finish them off. Inform Sovereign to continue it's defense of Intrepid.
Jergon: Aye, sir.

(Engineering)

Nilsog: Whatever you are planning, it won't work.

Vicktor: *Towers over Nilsog and leans down, getting into Nilsog's face, grinning broadly, showing his row of unsually long and sharp teeth* My plan vas to see vat de federation has in a vay uf firepower und capabilities. Hyu can call us a fightink scoutink party. After hall, how can ve say no to a goot fight? *Turns to the rest of the boarding party* Hain't dat right boys!

*The rest of th jagers give a loud cheer that echoes across the halls and through the sealed doors*

Nilsog: I've got a question.
Vicktor: Vat iss taht?
Nilsog: (Turning head in disgust) Ever heard of Altoids?
Vicktor: Ze Cureooslee ztrog meent?
Nilsog: One in the same. Have one, they're in my right pocket.

(Vicktor reaches in Nilsog's pocket and pulls out a mint sized silver object)

Vicktor: Zis is no meent! (The object beeps and Vicktor disappears in a transporter beam)

(On the bridge)

Jergon: Sir, transporter room 3 reports they have a Jager in stasis... apparently the Captain's emergency beam out tag was activated by one of them.
Hiker: Get a security detail their immediatly and sedate him. I've got a few questions for him.
Jergon: Aye, sir.

[Statalyzer]

***All of sudden, the Romulan ship on the viewscreen of the Victoria fades away, revealing only empty space.***

Lt. Accent: The Weerbird has clooked.
Lt. Wolf: Very astute.
Spank: My Vulcan logic suggests that they wish to not be detected.
Lt. Wolf: [sigh] Very astute.

***Terabyte is furiously tapping away at his console, his arms nearly a blur.***

Terabyte: Because of the artificial quantum singularity that powers the Warbird, there was a brief surge of chronimetrically amortized gravitron energy in the area.
Statalyzer: Huh?
Terabyte: Normally to be expected, but such energy, being a spectrally nondecomposing nucleonizer, usually does not interact with normal matter at all, only with the Hawking radiation of a singularity.
Statalyzer: Huh?
Spank: It's all perfectly clear to me.
Terabyte: But the state of the energy changed after we detected the surge. So it must have interacted with something.
Spank: So there must be other artificial singularities around us!
Statalyzer: Wait - you're saying there are other Warbirds around us that were already cloaked?
Spank: Naturally. I came to that conclusion the moment I saw the sensor readings. It's all perfectly logical. Terabyte, I don't understand why it is you would want to be more human...
Dr. Doktar: What sort of poorly veiled insult is that?
Spank: It's simply an inquiry as to why a superior computational being, not prone to human emotional distorting of clear scientific -
Dr. Doktar: [enraged] Why you arrogant, green-blooded, close-minded -

***Statalyzer stands up and speaks in a commanding voice***

Statalyzer: Never mind all this - there's no time for petty arguments. Helm, get us out of here! 382 mark 117, warp 9!
Lt. Snafu: I can't enter in that course, sir, there are only 360 degrees in a circle!

***Statalyzer sits back down in a huff***

Statalyzer: Fine, then, just lay in a course toward Bajor at warp 9.
Lt. Snafu: I still can't enter in that course.
Statalyzer: And why not?
Lt. Snafu: Because you're sitting at my console instead of the Captain's chair.
Statalyzer: Oh, sorry.

***The Victoria warps away from the Neutral Zone just as 4 Warbirds decloak in formation around her former position***

Lt. Accent: Ack, twas a cloose coll...
Lt. Spandex: I'm just glad they waited for us to finish discussing the matter and laying in the course before they initiated their plan...

[ein1017]

Ogie: Oy, vere did de captain go? *takes out a small blaster and point it at Nilsog* Vat did hyu do to de captain.

Maxim: Dis means hyu are in charge Ogie.

Ogie: I know dat! *to Nilsog* Now vy should hy not shoot hyu on de spot?

Nilsog: If you shoot me, you won’t be getting off this ship alive. Best if you surrender now and save yourself the trouble.

Ogie: oh ho! Did hyu not hear de captain? Ve are here for a goot fight. Ve don’t take too kendly to dirty tricks. *aims at a random Federation red shirt prisoner and shoots him in the leg. The man falls down screaming and clutching his leg* Now hy schuggest hyu get our captain back kappesch?

(onboard the schtargazer)

Ammoschon: Alright full schpeed ahead! *The ship speeds towards the Intrepid since her shields are down, most of the crew are already armed and ready to be teleported and landing crafts. All the power is used for the engines and the forward shields*

[Nilsog]

Jergon: Sir, the Jager ship is on a collision course with Intrepid!
Hiker: Fire at will! Advise fleet to follow.
Jergon: Aye, sir!

(Enterprise and Sovereign unleash their full armament on the Jager ship. Phasers leave black rivers of scorch on the hull and torpedoes burrow in and explode, leaving gaping hull breaches.)

Jergon: Shes lost hull integrity, Sir!

(The Jager ship begins to come apart, but it's too late. Intrepid is hit full force by the hulk of the Jager vessel. The lights flicker and die aboard Intrepid as hull plating and sparks fly into the vastness of space.)

Hiker: ... Mr. Jergon.. report.
Jergon: Intrepid has taken serious damage, sir. All systems are offline.
Hiker: Advise Soveriegn to beam all survivors aboard. And scan th-
Jergon: Sir! It appears the Jagers were able to beam boarding parties onto the Intrepid.
Hiker: Damn. Beam a contingent of Marines over, I want the President secured and brought back to Enterprise.
Datass: Aye, sir.

(In Engineering, Nilsog looks at the Ensign cradling his wounded leg)

Nilsog: Let my men go and I'll get you your captain back.

((Ein, PM me))

[ein1017]

(Onboard the Enterprise)

RGM1: UGH! Dis komputer iz drivink me nutz! Hy ken't schut de jammink dinky down! *Rases his fist in frustration and smashes the computer. Immedietly the comunications ar no longer bing jammed.*

Maxim: Oy, vat did hyu do?

RGM1: I dink hy know how to cause zum trouble *He grins broadly and smashes another computer nearby. The lights flickers a bit before power control is rerouted through a different computer*

Maxim: Dat looks lik fun! *joins in the smashing along with most of the jager party*

Ogie: *To the captain* Dat does not schound liek a fair trade to me mischter schmott guy. *fires at a another crew members feet but purposely misses, making the crew member jump* How about dis. Hyu give uz de captain back and hy don't kell hyu crew members?


(onboard the intrepid)

Dimo: Alright jagers, ve need to cause asch much damage asch ve ken get avay vid.

Frank: Oy. Too bad de Ammoschon guy did not make it onboard.

Dimo: *chuckles* He vanted his own X

Frank: *chuckles at the inside joke*

*the boarding party proceeds to make their way to the bridge, causing as much mayhem and damage as they can, including tagging a bathroom with jager obscenities before shooting up the place*

[Gaucho8788]

Lt. Commander Blaze: Sir the Intrepid has been hit hard and is running off of emergency power. They are dead in the water. Sir it also seems like they enemy is boarding the Intrepid.

Commander Seers: Transporter Room 3, is their any way we can beam the crew off.

TR3: Not right now sir. The entire transporter network is down. We are currently working on it.

Commander Seers: How long?

TR3: 10 minutes.

Commander Seers: You've got 5.

Commodore Gaucho: Well it seems like we're in a predicament. Do we have any Marine detachments on board?

Lt Commander Blaze: We have 1 squad.

Commodore Gaucho: Go ahead and gather them along with your best security team and board the Intrepid using a shuttle craft. We'll blow a hole in the Intrepids shuttle bay if we have to.

Lt Commander Blaze: Understood.

*Shawn gathers his security team and the Marine squad and enters a shuttle craft and proceeds to the Intrepid*

Commdore Gaucho: Can you remotely open the shuttle bay doors.

Lt. Commander Blaze: We aren't able to access the controls.

Commodore Gaucho: We'll see if we can get in touch with the Intrepid because even though I said we would blow a hole in it we better make sure they don't mind first. Lt Hunter, send a message over to the Intrepid and advise them of our intentions.

[Trevorrex]

(Intrepid, moments before collision)

Trevorrex: (rummaging through storage console, after his cell phone)
Lt. Minestomper: Sir!
Trevorrex: Ssssh! I can hear it ringing!
Lt. Minestomper: SIR! IMMINENT DEATH ON VIEWSCREEN!
Trevorrex: What? *looks up* HOLY ****! HARD 'A PORT!
Lt. Redshirt: Huh? This is a starship, not the Titanic. Why don't we just go up? Or down? Or just go backwards?
Trevorrex: HARD A PORT DAMN YOU!
Lt. Redshirt: Sigh, fine. I wish they had airbags in these consoles.

(The damaged Intrepid starts veering to the port, but it is too late, the ship is struck by the hulk of the jager vessel. The impact tears off a piece of the saucer section as well as a warp nacelle)

Trevorrex: *dusting himself off* Report!
Lt. Redshirt: Massive structural damage. All systems offline or failing. We are being boarded sir, enemy troops making their way to the bridge. And.....vandalising bathrooms.
Trevorrex: Dammit. Get whatever security we have left and get them down there!

[Gaucho8788]

Lt. Hunter: Sir, they aren't responding. Their comm systems may be down.

Commodore Gaucho: Damn, can't wait any longer. Use the phaser area at maximum intensity to cut a hole in the bay doors.

Lt. at Tactical: Yes sir.

*Sovereign begins cutting a hole in the shuttle bay doors. . . After about two minutes*

LaT: Done sir.

Commodore Gaucho: That took to long. Your scrubbing the bathrooms for a week. Send a signal to Shawn.

Lt. Hunter: They seem to aleady be moving in.

Commodore Gaucho: Good.

[Statalyzer]

Lt. Snafu: We've arrived at Bajor, sir.
Statalyzer: Goodness gracious, why are all the ships orbiting upside down?
Spank: Uh, sir, there's no up or down in space.
Terabyte: Also, considering we haven't encountered Bajoran ships before, we can't say for sure which side of the ship is "up" in the first place.
Lt. Snafu: Why not just hail them, put them on the viewscreen, and see if the crew looks upside down to us?
Spank: That won't work either, their artificial gravity would make them be right-side up no matter which way the ship was facing.

***Everyone sits there pondering the situation for a while. Finally Statalyzer orders a hailing channel opened. She and Spank and Lt. Expendable all stand up and simultaneously tug their shirts downward at the waist.***

Statalyzer: This is Commander Blaze Statalyzer of the Federation starship Victoria. Greetings, vessels and citizen of Bajor! The Terran Fed-
Gruff Voice: You are in error. We are not Bajoran vessels. Who are you?
Statalyzer: We're the Terran Feeration. Who are YOU?
Gruff Voice: We are the Cardassian Union. We have never heard of you and your presence in this system is not wanted.
Statalyzer: But surely you've at least heard of my father, the famous Admiral? Keen Statalyzer?
Gruff Voice: What? PFFFFTTT - BWWAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

***The Voice on the other end is obscured in a cacophony of laughter***

Statalyzer: What's so funny?
Gruff Voice: You've got to be kidding me, no way is that his real name.
Statalyzer: Forget I mentioned it. Anyway, we're sorry for the mistake, but if you could kindly show us the way to Bajor and perhaps-
Gruff Voice: This is Bajor. We rule Bajor, like we rule the rest of this sector. If you don't wish to be subject to us as well, I suggest you leave.
Statalyzer: First I must ascertain if you are responsible for the attacks on our outposts near the Romulan neutral zone.
Gruff Voice: You have established a neutral zone between yourselves and the Romulan Star Empire?
Statalyzer: Correct.
Suddenly Kind Voice: Well, that's another matter. Anyone who mistrusts the Romulans can't be all that bad.

*** The Cardassian Commander switches on 2-way visual***

http://www.starfleet-knights.com/Pictures/cardassian.jpg

[ein1017]

been waiting on Nilsog. Guess I have to continue without him. will post/edit tomorrow when I am more awake

[Nilsog]

((Sorry guys! I've been working my ass off lately, I'll post soon!))

[Statalyzer]

((uh....guys?))

[ein1017]

((still here, I thought Nilsog was going to post))

[apple23]

wow, don't tell me the TF is gonna die again?

Maybe I could join just for lols? What spots are open? :p

[Statalyzer]

What do you mean by "What spots are open?" Read the thread, pick a ship, join the action, err I mean, try and jump-start some semblance of action.

[Nilsog]

Once again... just been working too much lately. Stat- get something going with your cardassian arc until I can come back :p

[Statalyzer]

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP*

[voiceover] We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you an important news update from -

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP*

[voiceover #2] We interrupt this interruption to return you to your regularly scheduled -

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP*

[voiceover #3] We interrupt this interrupting of an interruption to bring you some messages from our local spons-

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP*

[voiceover #4] We here at the Terran Wireless Analog Television apologize for the interruption, the interrupting of the interruption, and the interruption of the interrupting of the interruption. We here at T.W.A.T. strive to bring you the very best in instant TV programming throughout the Sol System and regret this immature action by members of our staff. The important news update will now resume.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Anchor: Greetings, Terrans and welcome to a special edition of the Daily Astronomical Morning News! I'm your host, Woodrow Ifihadanoar. The old galactic geography of the quadrant being divided between the Terrans, Klingons, Romulans, Vulcans, and Ferengi has just been updated by contact with a new large, influential, significant society known as the Cardassian Union. Contact was made by Commander Blaze Statalyzer, daughter of the late Admiral Keen Statalyzer, -

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP*

[voicover] We interrupt this special news update to say BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Back to you, Woodrow.

Anchor: ahem ... and captain of the FSS Victoria. No word yet on what this means for the balance of power in the region as we don't yet know if their intentions are for peace or conquest. Initial rumors were that they appeared hostile until discovering of our neutral zone that buffers Terran space from Romulan territory. The reasons for this change of heart are unknown, but we do not believe they are currently at war with Romulus. Regardless, this is definitely a momentous, historical event.

We'll let you know more as soon as we do, and we'll be sure to do like we do with all aliens and describe their species' characteristics as being identically present in every single individual as if only humans had any variety in personality, mindset, worldview, culture, cuisine, genetic tendencies, or values. That's all for now!

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP BEEP*

[voiceover] We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

Woman: I have good news!
Man: You're breaking up with Verkoz?
Woman: Yes, but, I'm still going to be his friend, no matter what you say.
Man: But I saved money on my shuttle insurance by switching to Galactico, so that we could afford a better honeymoon. I thought that meant something to you...

[Camel]

:rockbrow:Stupid BEEPS...in the mean time, we hope to return you to the story.er, hopefully to some kind of story......the future is so uncertain..

[Statalyzer]

Statalyzer: In the interest of establishing some basic relations between our races and getting to understand each other better, how about a friendly dinner?
Jarcek: This is a good idea. But whose culture shall govern how the meal takes place?
Statalyzer: Perhaps there is some way of splitting it?
Jarcek: You provide the food, and we shall provide the setting. [holds back a snicker]
Statalyzer: Excellent - Terran cuisine, Cardassian customs?
Jarcek: Of course. [coughs to cover up a laugh]
Spank: To avoid any embarrassing situations, I propose that we send you some basic information about our foods to be sure your species can handle them, and you send us some information about Cardassian meal protocol?
Jarcek: Yes, I'll send you a document with all you need to know [winks at one of his officers]

***A few minutes later, on board the Victoria***
Lt. Spandex: I sense mischief.
Lt. Wolf: Just ... mischief? Not treachery?
Lt. Spandex: Not unless their races considers betrayal to be their primary source of comedy.
Statalyzer: Well, never mind, let's read over the dinner customs and replicate some food.
Lt. Snafu: Hmmm ... these are sure some weird ways to have dinner.
Terabyte: I find this intriguing. Most other races consider formal settings to require more clothing than casual encounters do.
Spank: Nevertheless, in the name of diplomacy, we must conform to the standard.

***At the exact same time, on board the Faxuluhof***
Jarcek: Oh yes, Jarcek, you are brilliant.
Mumborse: Hey, it was half my idea!
Harhaz: What if they are angry at us?
Jarcek: They don't seem the type to be angry enough to fight over this, but if they are, they'd be foolhardy to try. Victoria alone vs the 6 ships we have in the Bajor system?
Harhaz: Never underestimate an enemy you've never faced before, their ship may have some secret weapon that's more powerful than our technology can repulse.
Jarcek: Well, then, you'll stay behind and conduct covert sensor scans to try and discover Victoria's secret.
Harhaz: Yes, sir.

***Back on board the FSS Victoria***
Terabyte: The food is all replicated. I'm preparing to beam it over.
Lt. Expendable: Errr, I don't think it would hurt to carry the food over ourselves.
Lt. Snafu: Yeah, like this loaf of bread here, I'll carry that.
Statalyzer: I think I'll take these two big melons over. And, uh, the bowl of salad.
Lt. Accent: Boot you ooonly ha' two hands.
Statalyzer: I'll just, uh, strap the bowl of salad around my waist.
Dr. Doktar: Gimme that roast duck, I'll gladly carry it.
Lt. Spandex: I'll take the tablecloth.
Everyone else: Dammit.
Lt. Wolf: I for one, am proud of the way I look.

***A few minutes later, the senior Terran officers walk into the conference room of the Faxuluhof***
Dr. Doktar: Hey, wait a second, how come they're wearing clothes?
All the Cardassians together: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Jarcek: You humans are so gullible! I can't-
Spank: I am not human.
Jarcek: I can't believe you fell for that! You actually thought we had our formal dinners naked? AH - HA HA HA HA HA!
Statalyzer: Wow, this is embarrassing.
Lt. Snafu: I'd say it's embareassing.
Statalyzer: Ensign, we've been humiliated, beam us back immediately.
(silence)
(more Cardassian laughter)
Statalyzer: Ensign?
Terabyte: Our communicators are part of our uniforms.
Statalyzer: Dammit.

***Meanwhile, in the next room, watching on video.***
Mulz: We already have an advantage on those Terrans should any fighting break out. We know how easily deceived they are. Prepare the Omnihausterheisemuggummy XXI!
Ulmoo: No, not that!
Mulz: Yes, that!