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GMP
04-23-2004, 10:29 PM
A couple things-

1- I'll do this a little at a time, not all at once.
2- I'm doing this for the hell of it.
2.B- I'm bored to death :p
3- If you haven't picked up a copy of The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Doug Adams then do so! Three chapters an I can't put it down :D


Chapter 1- Drugs, Questions, and Cleaning Solvent

Spinning...Whirling...Dizzy.....Pain.

Alex Jefferson woke with sharp pains of stomach, with second helpings of falling out of bed.
"Auhhh....." he mumbled to himself, whilst tasting the scent of a freshly vacuumed carpet, no doubt the maid's doing.

Somehow he got his feet into the proper positions and made it to the bathroom, opened a medicine cabinet, and took out a bottle of pills in an unmarked box. You see, our Alex was a tad bit of a druggie. He would inhale cocaine like a 3 year-old downing his first soda, and then equal that amount with painkillers. He be out until 3 A.M, until he staggered back into the room (usually with a woman) and the hangover feelings disappeared. And with said woman, $50 poorer.

However, seeing as his penthouse suite need furniture, food, etc. He needed to stumble off to work, whilst not looking half-dead so the Manager would not fire him, forcing him to find a new job to support himself and his crack. Which of cost him around $250 monthly. He was able to get it cheap from an old friend of his, a pusher who flunked pre-school (which, in his case, was possible). Flunked Middle School, then lived by living off the streets selling his merchandise.

Now Alex is really a good guy at heart. He just isn't awake enough to try half the time. But enough with his life, let's continue this story, shall we?

After 25 minutes of letting the Tylenol kick in, it was 6:30. He then followed a routine so precise, it became almost secondhand. At 6:35, time to shower.
6:45- Get out of shower
6:50- Try to pee in toilet, missing
7:00- Was dressed and eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios , while watching the news at his kitchen table.
7:15- Out the door

He got into his '96 Mazda Protege, found the ignition, and started it up. It was a reliable little car, no breakdowns after 8 years of sex in the back seat and 20 pounds of groceries.

Before I forget, he is 6' 2" and roughly 200 pounds.

He lived in New York City, and the Average speed of a car in New York is 12 miles per hour. He drove along a couple streets, in total about 40 minutes of driving. He pulled into the Computer Mhz Testers, Inc. employee parking lot, parked in his reserved space.

And then, something caught the corner of his eye.
"What the hell is that?"



That concludes Chapter 1. whenever I get around to updating the rest I'll do so. There will be more speech too, this was more introductory. They may also be longer, too.

So? Opinions?

Blue Aurora
04-23-2004, 11:12 PM
What a sad person...I hope Alex finds a nice ending. :ashamed: :(

Apache_Longbow
04-24-2004, 01:32 AM
The first 2 paragraphs were excellent, it tapered off a bit after that though. All in all it wasn't too bad. Try not to speak to the audience like you did a few times. You could have put a bit more detail and suspense in therem but it wasn't too bad.

I have to admit that this suprised me coming from you, in a good way. Keep it up :)

Wesforce
04-24-2004, 09:09 AM
I agree with Apach's sentiments. I like the style too - Kind of informal.

Oddley enough, I just made a story with a guy called Al Abraham Jefferson. Odd coincidence, eh? :)

GMP
04-24-2004, 10:54 AM
No :thoughtful:.......... :p

I might put up Chapter 2 tonight, but I'll see if I have time.

Master Chris
04-24-2004, 09:59 PM
I'm always an advocate of experimenting with different writing styles, the informal approach is nice GMP. I like the way you added in:

"Before I forget, he is 6' 2" and roughly 200 pounds."

As if it had only just occured to the narrator.

My biggest complaint is your use of numerals, you put in a lot of figures, like the rent of the apartment being around $250 a month, the 20 pounds of groceries etc. etc. I'm not sure that they are really necessary to your story. Also, I think that fully typing out your numerals (ie. Fifty dollars, as opposed to $50) is easier to read, lends itself to the flow of the narrative, and leaves the impression that you've put a lot of effort into the piece.

I'm looking forward to the next installment.

GMP
04-26-2004, 06:59 PM
I'll only get to put up part two this weekend, I'm swamped

Bean
04-27-2004, 08:16 PM
I do actually like this story, and it does, at least, the first part, almost seem like a douglas Adams writing piece, almost, but it is good, all qualms aside, most of which have been stated above

GMP
05-02-2004, 08:31 PM
**will put Chap. 2 this weekend, Im swamped

GMP
05-21-2004, 05:27 PM
I'm finally going to update this! ;)

______________________________________

Chapter 2- Never trust your Paperclips

It is sometimes though that when a main character says "What the hell is that?", that the story will have some odd twist of events and that the good parts are yet to come. This is not one of those parts.

The hell it was, was a lagrer then normal security guard, a big black man with big buck teeth. This suprised Alex, because this man he had never seen before. He figured that he must have gotten the job over the weekend, and he was right. He pulled his car up next to the booth, and stuck out his hand.
"Uh, hi. I'm Alex Jefferson, and uh, I work here."
"Well, I figur'd that!" said the man in a southen accent.
"He's my card."
"An' wha' you wan' me to do wit dat, eh?"
"Well, uh, you slide it through the machine. And then the gate opens. Then I park my car." he said, almost in fear.
"Sun, I don' hav' do nuthin'!" he said more loudly then Alex had hoped
"But please, I want to park my car!" stammered Alex in complete fear
"BUT NUTHIN'!!!" the man screamed, "I ain'ts got to do no nuthin' fo' yo' so'ry whi' ass! You whi's think ya'll can push us 'round! Bu' je'us chris' himself know whut he gon' do wit' you. Ya'll is goin' to hell."

And Alex because very suddenly angry. He did not like to be called racial slurs, and he DEFINETLY didn't like being told that by this IQ retarded person. So he picked up his voice and bellowed "Will you shut up! I've had one hell of a day in traffic already, and I don't need some stupid ****** telling me to be quiet, when all he can do is talk like some hick!!" he screamed in rage above normal rage. A rage so rageful, it makes children cry. Makes mothers wince. And makes deaf people say "What?"

Then quickly, briskly, the man put his card through the swiper and the gate opened. Alex was almost shell shocked, that after all that, the man just did it after all.
"You-you- but-" Alex stammered
"I'll see you in court, pal." said the black man, no longer with a southern accent but a upstanding one, standing tall and upstraight.
Then the words 'you,'in','court' made little sirens go off in Alex's head.

"Why do I have to go to court?!"
"Beacause" and with that, he pulled out a small tape recorder from his breast pocket, "you called me 'stupid ******', and you also forgot that white people can't say ****** to a black, only blacks can. Good day."
And Alex was already gone, out of the car, and running to his office.


********

He quickly shut his door, sat down on his swivel chair and breathed a sigh of relief. Caught in a scam he though to himself, and he vowed he would never fall for such again. His daydreaming was interupted by a knock at the door. And his "extremely hot" (as he had said) secretary pranced into the room. He immediatly slid a couple inches lower in his seat.
"Oh, am I bothering you, Mr. Jefferson?"
"N-N-no" he stammered, "I was just thinking about....uh... that company meeting in 2 weeks." he lied.
"Oh well then," she said in a sing-song voice,"I came to remind you the boss wants that paper about Megahertz research."
"Oh yes,yes. Thank you, you hot bitc-" he cut himslef off, "Oh! I was just complaing about how hot it gets in here."
"Yes,sir" she said, and left the room.

Close one.

He realized that said paper must be started, and began, following the endless time he wrote papers on the computer.
Start.
Programs.
Microsoft Works.
Works Word Processor.

Ad as it came up, Clippit (also known as the small paperclip thing) popped up out of nowhere. His company had it mandatory on all computers, for hell knows what reason. They also had speakers too, for no apparent reason.

He put his hands on the home line, and started.

Furhter...megahertz...research...is...coming...along...nicely...but...has...hit...a...serious...snag...because...a...group...of...people...

He stopped. He needed to think of a good excuse. Aha! It came to him.

from...the...website...CNC...Den...Forums...have...requested...more...free...megahertz...from...us...

Yes, this was going along nicely.

they...are...headed...by...a...person...by...the... name...of...

Now, what was the name he used there? Oh yes.

Mooman...

He pushed his board back, and reached to click on "send", then, the unthinkable happened. Somewhere, from deep inside the computer, some little program started another little program that was sent from an e-mail from a customer who didn't know how to fix a computer, because he recently dropped it and replaced a circuit with a piece of lint.

The computer made a "Donk!" sound, as it makes when a serious error has occured. Alex started at the screen wide-eyed, as Clippit said it it's small text box...

"Wow. Nice document threre. But guess what. ggkthxbye!"

There was a pop. The monitor clicked, and the computer shut itself off, and deleted Alex's 5,000 word+ document.

He was having a bad day.

Blue Aurora
05-21-2004, 08:04 PM
Not bad, it has less mistakes than the previous chapter, Apache will probably be most impressed. ;) :D