The fight for freedom (only to be viewed by head or secondary GM of ShadowZero)

[General Rodall Juhziz]

My name is Freddy, Freddy Valentine I live in the small capital of Kaznia. Up until recently we had been very happy and peaceful, but then it all went strait to hell. There had been a "cold war" between the Nazi-Soviet Axis and the Euro-American Alliance. It was a normal day like any other I was on my way to work when all of a suddenly explosions started going off. Axis tanks, choppers, and soldiers poored into the city shooting everything that moved A tank shell exploded next to my motorcycle and flung me into a abandoned parking garage nocking me unconscious. When I woke up I was surrounded by fellow kaznians in a sewer. "What happened who are you guys"?, I asked. "We're the Axis occupation resistance I'm Joe Rogers leader of the resistance, you've been unconscious for five hours, its a miracle that you evan survived, We have a stockpile of ammunition and weapons but their not anything hi-tech. "listen the Axis has set up a main base of operations in the city, The forces leader General Tataran Kreig is in his command center inside the base and we plan to send him, his men, and his base on a one way trip to Hell in one hour so I've got to know if youll help us". Why not I've got nothing better to do than sit in a sewer the rest of the day.", I replied. Good heres your gun, "handing me a ak-47" some molotov cocktails, some grenaids, and two C4 explosives.". An hour later I found myself in the bloodiest battle I had ever seen, but that didn't stop me from killing every stinking person there was that shot at me." Look out!" I yelled throwing a grenaid at a tank exploding on impact, then I saw a moment of opratonity their was a clear path to the command center I quickly ran over to it and set some C-4 to go off in a minute. as I ran the C-4 went off and the intire building collapsed as we searched the ruins of the collapsed building we found the body of the General dead as everything. We all cheered and celebrated but I just set their on the ruins I knew that it wasn't over in my heart this would only be a minor setback for them they would be back with bigger guns and more weapons than last time but when? Only time can tell for now.

[GMP]

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What is this?

[General Rodall Juhziz]

It's suppose to be a test. If I pass they might give me another chance.

[Artificial Idiot]

Have you ever heard of paragraphs? :rockbrow:

Anyway, as an overview, your spacing is at best, very poor, your punctuation is very strange at times, for example...

Good heres your gun, "handing me a ak-47" some molotov cocktails, some grenaids, and two C4 explosives.".and as for the story it's self. It seems very jumpy, never settles on one point for very long and is very, very vague.

[Nyerguds]

I don't even have to READ it to see that doesn't deserve the name 'story'. Just looking at the one big block of text tells me enough <_<

As AI said. Paragraphs.

and what does that "only to be viewed by head or secondary GM of ShadowZero" mean? Seriously... there is only one GM in S0, and that's Wes. I asked you if you could write a decent story, that's all. Wes hasn't in any way commented on that suggestion, so this isn't just an easy-ticket-back-into-the-RPG. No one ever said it would be, either.

[Blue Aurora]

Though I never post in the RPG Forum, I've to agree with AI. It was vague, had a mountain of mistakes and it had like dozens of paragraphs jammed into one. Oh well, trial and error tests are always like this, keep trying though! :D

[SirSnake]

i rarely post here, but just so you know, i read the vast majority of fanfiction.


first of all, unless your dyslexic, i suggest you seriously get help with your english. you cant spell, have no grasp of grammar, how to write, and the entire story was.... well cak. no background info, no suspense. one big rush of action, that wasnt well depicted or worded.


if that post took more than a mintue to compose, id be surprised.


dont take it as a personal insult, but your writing is, at best, terrible.

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

and next time, DON'T BASE IT THAT MUCH ON A GAME IN EXISTENCE. i mean come on think of something original!

Freedom Fighters anyone???

and aside from that, it is poorly written, as everyone has stated above. and how does the soviet lead command get killed after 5h30min of fighting?!

[Artificial Idiot]

and the entire story was.... well cak.
Is that a technical term? :rockbrow: :p

[SirSnake]

i doubt it AI, but i was at an utter loss for a term that gives it its full due as such a.... cakky story :p


but hey, i like the word cak, it could have said worse....

i could have called it vauge :p :lol:

[Blue Aurora]

Looks like SirSnake invented a new word! :p

[VO]

and next time, DON'T BASE IT THAT MUCH ON A GAME IN EXISTENCE. i mean come on think of something original!

Freedom Fighters anyone???

and aside from that, it is poorly written, as everyone has stated above. and how does the soviet lead command get killed after 5h30min of fighting?!

He even quoted the ending too. Ugh. Pity that someone recognised your blatent plagarism, General... :rolleyes:

[CKW]

Very Rushed.

[Nyerguds]

OK... as far as I'm concerned, General, get the frag off this forum. I said original story, original chars, original names.

Seriously... if you can't come up with any kind of decent plot, decent spelling and construction of sentences, why do you even WANT to write in our RPG?!? It's clearly your stuff will look like crap compared to the rest anyway.

[KÖNIGSTIGER]

yes, here's a list of copied items:

Peaceful morning, then all goes to hell as an invasion occurs.
Sewer base.
The resistance leader.
AK-47.
Grenades.
Molotovs.
C-4 (These four are half-assed understandable, though)
The use/position of the HQ.
General Tatarin.
The ending statements.