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Phyre
06-26-2004, 10:15 AM
Okay, just some poems by me here... I'd love it if you'd give some feedback..

This first poem is converted from a lyric I once wrote...

A friendship bracelet,
A million years old,
So much more important than,
A wedding ring,
A photograph.
Still dangles from your wrist,
Kinda cute, everyone said,
That you'd care so much about her.
After all this time.

The club was thick with people,
Nameless, trying to find identity,
She was standing alone there,
A sober person, in a drunken reality,

Asking her name,
Was bringing sweat to your skin,
And a usual loner,
Now lets somebody in,

Sex: unimportant,
Finally something less,
Commercial, romantic,
Stereotypical.

Everything finally told,
Like a weight lifted,
One night in a club and,
You're finally free of the burden,
Do it again?
Of course you'll do it again,
Her place sounds great,
Time is irrelevant.

The girl said never would this end,
It never ended,
It never will end.
So much more important than love,
You found a friendship,
You found a friendship.
Don't let go.


The girl said this would never end,
It never ended,
It never will end.

Invaders from space,
Feeling like aliens,
Never let go of that,
Identity, grasp it,
As you become the last living individuals.

Everything finally told,
Like a weight lifted,
One night in a club and,
You're finally free of the burden,
Do it again?
Of course you'll do it again,
Her place sounds great,
Time is irrelevant.

The girl said never would this end,
It never ended,
It never will end.
So much more important than love,
You found a friendship,
You found a friendship.
Don't let go.


The girl said this would never end,
It never ended,
It never will end.


I think it's kinda self explanitory, I'm not in love with this girl, but we have such a strong connection that love seems like a shallow, weak feeling in comparison...



Aftermath.

Ripping,
Tearing,
Bleeding,
Swearing,
Smiling,
Laughing.
"The war is now passing"

Fragile and bleak,
Nations both weak,
For reasons anonymous,
The people who fought for us,
Dying in vain,
A number, not a name.

Lives all to tender,
Too late for a mender,
Too easy to forget,
If the maker they met,
Both joyful and sad,
The lives they never had.

Moaning,
Crying,
The people are dying
Smiling,
Laughing.
"The war is now passing"

Fragile and bleak,
Nations both weak,
For reasons anonymous,
The people who fought for us,
Dying in vain,
A number, not a name.

This is just a take on war I wrote a long time ago, thought I'd show it again


The Perfect Gentleman

He works hard for his money because he loves his son,
Or that's what the other people think.
He cries himself to sleep at night for his wifes untimely death,
Or that is the general opinion.

Nobody could visualise the pain inside,
That one perfect gentleman.

He works hard for his money and he beats his son,
Every day after work.
He couldn't allow people to know about his wife's untimely death,
They couldn't understand.

He works hard for his money and he stays off the drink,
Or that's what he tells his friends.
He Doesn't smoke, or do any drugs,
Or that's what he says to the boss.

Nobody could visualise the pain inside,
That one perfect gentleman.

He works hard for his money because he pays for crack,
But the people couldn't know that.
He gets drunk after work because he was beaten as a child,
And the memories haunt him till now.

He worked hard for his money before he went missing last week,
And the people hope he returns.
Maybe his son screamed, when his dad stabbed him that night,
But the neighbors haven't a clue.

Nobody would visualise the pain inside,
That one perfect gentleman.

This is my favourite poem that I've ever written. It's about the way that society makes decisions about people without ever really knowing them. You could be the most evil person in the world, but as long as you're secretive about it, the majority of people will turn a blind eye, because it's easier to believe that everything is fine than to put yourself out there and help people.

That's all for now, feedback please!

Master Chris
06-27-2004, 01:25 AM
That last one was delicious. You hit the nail on the head when it came to conveying the ideas stated in your rationale.

Aftermath was good as well.

I didn't like your first one, the language felt like it was forced.

I demand more of these...poems...as you call them...so that I may devour them and become strong enough to cast off the shackles of mortality! So, yeah, more poems...please...

Phyre
06-29-2004, 01:29 PM
Photographer

Shooting without killing,
Aiming without intent,
My shots save lives,
And soon they'll be sent.
Sitting in a dark room,
See the pain and tears,
Blood mixes with ink,
As deformity is formed.
Helping without saving,
On a battlefield hellbent,
My tears are for lives,
And soon we'll all repent.
Sitting in a dark room,
See the pain and tears,
Blood mixes with ink,
As deformity is formed.
Such is this evil life,
To see gent against gent,
Hoping to capture pain,
And God let me repent.
Sitting in a dark room,
See the pain and tears,
Blood mixes with ink,
As deformity is formed.


Drunken Mistakes

Where once was joy,
Now sorrow remains,
While walking down,
Our memory lanes.
Where once was love,
Still love does stay,
But pity too,
You've gone away.
Where once was life,
Now death runs free,
Why didn't you call,
Call out for me?
Where once was a smile,
Those lips aren't alive,
Why did you choose,
To drink and drive?

Apache_Longbow
06-29-2004, 05:10 PM
Wow, all of them are great Phyre, I've seen the drunken mistakes one before and I've always loved it. Keep it up :D

Phyre
07-02-2004, 03:45 AM
Thanks man, I'm glad you like the writings. More will be coming very soon